Celebrating June 29th - The day I Left 4 Kids and a Wife. 

That day several years ago i had to make a decision, it was the biggest decision i ever made. At that time i was seeking either to live in hell or flee from the abuse that i was dealing with at the time.

My story is told in a new book being published next year.

Excerpts from the Book. ( My name is Fred in this book)

Fred Anderson – 39, Los Angeles, CA
Separated / Pending Divorce
4 Children

“Today, I am on the road to recovery”…the words conveyed to me from that of Fred Anderson, a 39-year-old telecommunications representative, who wishes to remain anonymous for legality matters. Fred was a victim of domestic violence for a period of 12 years duration at the hands of his soon-to-be ex-wife. He has four children, 3 boys, and 1 girl with his estranged wife. Fred just obtained contact with his children after removing himself from his abusive environment just a little under 2 years ago.

I knew the kids were going to be missing me. I was the one that would spend time and play with them when I came home from work. I took them to the park and pushed them on the slides and helped them when they wanted to ride their bikes. I was part of their lives. To leave them was a risk I had to take. They were in the middle of my marriage. They were the reason why I stayed for so long in my marriage. My wife knew that the kids would always bring me back home when I had left several times before because of something that was thrown at me or for the verbal abuse I had to face. I believe that if I worked hard and tried to provide for the families needs, some how, things might change...

It was in the summer of 1996 when my wife and I first met. We started talking over the phone and decided to start dating. During courtship, we had a few problems in the relationship, but I loved her so much, I wanted to make things work. We were married six months later. After we finally married, she said she wanted an annulment. I have always given the option to try to make the marriage work so we went to marriage counseling in 2000. The counselor told us that I was too passive and my wife was too aggressive. He stated such because on our way to counseling, riding in the car, for no apparent reason, she would attack me by hitting me on my arm and chest. When I told her to stop, she would keep hitting me until I hit her back. The counselor advised my wife to stop hitting me because it was very abusive behavior. After that session, she refused to followup therapy because in her own words, “I believe therapy is swaying your way.” Needless to say, we never returned to therapy as a couple and the abuse continued along with objects being thrown at me. At one point, she even threw a dirty diaper at me because she said that I deserved it. One time, when I mentioned about not wanting her sister, who was a bad influence by drinking and smoking in front of my kids, living with us, she attacked me by holding me down and choking my neck. Another incident occurred when I purchased an iPod without her approval, she beat me with a fly swatter on my back. She even went as far as to steal my car from my work place while I was inside. She drove it to a far off lot and then proceeded to smoke in it and spread the ashes all over the dashboard, knowing that I have sinus problems and cigarette smell effects me. That same night, she abused me by hitting me on the legs rapidly and repeatedly while I was trying to sleep and once in the groin. It was around 3am and I did not call the police. I was scared that she would prevent me from calling because of how abusive the moment was. She told me that she abused me that night because I took our son to church when she did not want to take him. She abused me until 7am.

As days went by, she was breaking me down day in and day out until finally, I reacted by throwing a bowl of salad on her, but some of the salad accidentally got on my son. She then attacked me by scratching my arms up. That led to restraining orders on both sides. My second one on her, but the first one I had removed because she refused me my kids if I had not. I have never felt that angry before, so I decided to go back to therapy by myself where I was diagnosed with depression and having suicidal thoughts with low self worth. I was therefore prescribed antidepressant drugs and I was taking sleeping pills because I had difficulty falling to sleep because of stress. Shortly after, we filed for separation. After 5 months of separation, my daughter was born and I still wanted to make the marriage work, so we got back together. I did not want to lose my family. I still loved my wife and I wanted to be with my kids, so I put up with the abuse. I have always wanted to be there with my wife because I wanted my kids to see a person that was not into drinking and smoking, but into a better life.

I have never come from an abusive household. During my childhood, I grew up with my aunt, who is a respected churchgoer and choir director until I moved in to live with my mother, a CNA nurse when I got into my teen years. However, my wife has grown up in an abusive household where she has been beaten heavily by her parents with objects and her mother would not let her or her siblings go to school until their bruises went away. She was even sexually abused by her father, a guard at the penitentiary.

Later in the years, the abuse never stopped, so I began to spend more time at work and less time at home. Then on June 29, 2007, I left my wife after a little over 10 years of marriage, living in hell. My job then transferred me to California. My ex-wife never at any point in her life ever admitted that she had ever abused me, even when I had a police report and went to court and filed a restraining order against her.
Not once did she admit that anything was wrong with her abuse. So, in my mind, if she abused me, it was like it did not happen in her mind and I can be abused and she would never admit it. My kids did not like how my wife talked to them and when my son finally said to her that he was scared of her, she changed a little bit. I was hoping that she would somewhat see what she was doing to the kids. My son, who is 10 years old now, always told me, “Daddy, I don’t want you to go.” My wife would even quiz the kids on if I should stay or go. After I left, my wife wanted to pay me back for leaving so she told my kids that they cannot talk to me and always changed the subject when the kids would wonder where I was or what I was doing. My son had to go to therapy because he had a hard time realizing his dad was gone, and then all the kids went into therapy. After a while, the therapist spoke to my wife and said that she needed to let my kids talk to me. A week before Christmas, I gave her my number so I can talk to the kids, as I do not have a direct number for them. I have to talk to my wife and ask permission to have them call me. At Christmas, I never sent my kids a gift, just a card. I believe that if I were to send a gift, they would not receive it or be allowed to accept a gift from me.

I had forewarned my soon-to-be ex-wife that I was going to leave if she did not stop the abuse, so here I am now leaving her years later. I tried marriage counseling. I tried to show her love and affection. Neither attempts worked. This was the only thing that worked. Leaving gave me freedom from abuse.

I asked Fred what has he learned from this experience: I married my wife because not what God wanted for me, but what I wanted for myself. I never thought that the evil of life would put me where I am today. What I have learned from the experience is that making choices in life is based on self-sacrifice, based on the ability to have a covenant relationship with one another. Making a relationship work takes two parts, the giving and the taking.
The knowledge of your mate is important in knowing how to love and be loved.

I asked Fred how was life for him today: June 29, 2007, the day of remembrance of my goal of recovery. The day I started a change for my life. Living the life I did before June 29, 2007 was a life of anguish and despair. Looking back has made me open my eyes to life in a completely different way. I am so glad I am alive today and feel better because the changes I have made by the help of the Almighty God. Today, I am happy and feel better than I have before because God changed my life around. Going through the struggles I have been through, there must be a God because what I have experienced and felt in the past has made me feel that I am alive for a reason. I have accomplished a victory of recovery through Christ that I have never felt before until now. Antidepressant drugs - overcome, sleeping pills - no longer have to take, suicide - no more! I read and concentrate on the Bible before going to bed. I have a reason for living. I am a child of God. Wonderfully made, not to be hit.

Fred Anderson has involved himself back into church where he reestablished his relationship with Jesus Christ. He has filed for divorce along with visitation to begin spending time with his children.

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