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I'm told it's summer

I haven't been active on the site recently, but I'm hurting right now. My wife and I met 20 years ago this 4th of July (she was 17, I was 19), and we've been together ever since; well, until 4 1/2 months ago. No kids (we lost a daughter at birth 1 1/2 years ago). We stopped growing together a while ago (I now can see). To make a long story short, it turns out we both had intimates on the side; hers was emotional, and mine was emotional and physical. She found out about mine a few months after it happened (this was in 2005), and she told me about hers (also from 2005 to the present) the night she left me.

I had been back in contact with the young woman, and my wife found out and left. While we both searched outside the marriage for something, what's been much more fundamental for her is that she realizes that she stopped her own growth, not by any fault of mine. She honestly admits that I was a supportive, loving, attentive husband. She simply feels that she has no adult identity outside of her relationship with me. She's living alone for the first time, partying, dating, forming new friendships, having new experiences, and she sees now how much more her life can be, and she is not sure she wants me to be part of her life. I want nothing more than to rebuild our marriage, and I'm giving her the time and space she needs to learn about herself. She's encouraging me to date as well, but I don't consider myself single (and besides, how can I ask another woman out knowing that I want to rebuild with my wife--seems like a poor pick-up line). At the age of 40, all of my friends have kids and families, and that's how they spend their time. Each day it feels like she is farther and farther away, though she claims that she still does not know what she wants, which means she might want to get back. It's only been 4.5 months after a 20 year relationship, but I miss my best friend/confidant so deeply it hurts. And I know that this hurt must mirror the hurt I caused in her.I'm working on myself (therapy for the first time), bringing in new energy where I can, but I'm a quiet guy with a few close friends; I don't know how to go out and simply meet people. And that is what she excels at. And while I do have plans on the horizon--a rafting weekend, 2 weeks in Paris/Rome with friends, I feel such sorrow and lonliness right now.

by ChristopherSly 14 Posts

Posted on 6/30/2009 5:20 PM

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Comments for "I'm told it's summer" (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thanks for the words, NewRN. But I do want to say that I don't want her to feel the pain and lonliness I'm feeling. I'm actually proud of her--what she's doing is the most courageous thing I've ever seen her do. What I want is for her to say one way or the other if she sees in me the man she wants to be her husband for the rest of her life. I know that I can't demand an answer, that she might not know that for months and months, but is sure seems like she has lost interest. If I know we're divorcing, then I can see myself as a single man. As it is, I have this psychological block about being married and I how I see myself.

by ChristopherSly 14 Posts
Posted on 7/3/2009 5:57 PM

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Christopher, I understand your pain and confusion. You know it will never work again, yet you feel like she should be in pain too. Why is she not longing for what we once had or what could be? I feel it and it keeps me up at night too. I hate to agree with your ex but she is right. You need to get out there and date too, or just have fun. You even said yourself that you would not want her if she doesnt want you. Take that as a sign to move on. I know its easier said than done, but you'll find your way. We all have to grieve and it is possible that she has been grieving for some time before she left. I struggle with that with my ex because he was telling me how much he loved me right up until he left. I too was with him since we were both 17, for almost 17 years. I have sleepless nights about how it wasnt that bad, and why doesnt he want to make it work. But the more I look back on our relationship I think he did me a favor. Think of things for the future and how you can find someone now who fits you better.

by NewRN 1 Post
Posted on 7/2/2009 6:36 PM

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Yes, I immediately wanted to retract my statement when I said that spirit is gone. I mean't to say that woman you knew 20yrs ago is gone (in a sense). Like I'm not the person I was 20 yrs ago, but yes, I have the same spirit.

Priorities change, we mature and grow wiser (at least most of us), events happen, so we kind of change as people. Maybe I should say our outlook on life changes.

If your gut is saying to try to rekindle your marriage, you should go for it, absolutely. I guess only time will tell if she feels the same. You guys got together young, maybe she'll see the grass isn't greener on the other side and realize that she has a man that truly loves her, and that's hard to find. I hope she does realize this.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 7/1/2009 12:00 AM

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I believe the spirit IS the same, but the woman is totally different, and I do want to start a new life with this new person. The question is whether or not she wants to start anew with me, and therein lies my sleepless nights, but too-active imagination about what she's doing, the tension between my rationally understanding of the situation and my gut desire. I would not want to begin again with us as we were; that relationship is in ashes. And I only want to begin again with her if she chooses me because she deeply loves me still.

by ChristopherSly 14 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2009 11:36 PM

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Well I do hope the best for you and your wife, you guys obviously have a lot of years of history together, and I am very sorry about the loss of your child.

You want that spirit you met 20 years ago. I don't think anyone is the same as they were 20 years ago. The question you need to ask yourself is do you love the person she is today and does she love you as you are today.

I wish we could all turn back time, but as you know, that's part of life. I think that spirit you loved 20 years ago is gone and has been replaced with the person you are with now.

Again, I wish you guys the best.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2009 11:09 PM

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That was situational, for lack of a better word, and a mistake, and a betrayal, and just plain wrong. It was a terrible reaction to issues going on in our marriage that we both were turning a blind eye to. I believe that I am better than the worst thing I've ever done, and deeply, honestly want to re-connect with the spirit I met 20 years ago.

by ChristopherSly 14 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2009 9:55 PM

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Not trying to be a smart-ass but you said:

"She's encouraging me to date as well, but I don't consider myself single (and besides, how can I ask another woman out knowing that I want to rebuild with my wife--seems like a poor pick-up line). "

So how did you pick up the woman you cheated on your wife with? Did you consider yourself single then?

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2009 7:02 PM

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