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In love/not in love

I've been thinking a lot about my feelings for my husband and how they've changed in the last few months. Having been separated for such a short amount of time, I don't want to be hasty. I am, however trying to listen to my gut. I feel very distant from him. What I miss is the partnership and affection I had for a very small time with him...but I don't know that I miss him specifically.

He pushed me away for a long time, until finally, I moved out. He made it very clear that he wasn't in love with me, but he still had love for me and wanted to see me during our separation. We both stated that we hoped that this could lead to our reconciliation...but I don't see it going there. My feelings for him are turning cooler and cooler the longer we're apart. I drop little texts and emails to let him know I'm thinking of him, call when he has time to talk. My actions are appreciated, but rarely reciprocated.

Can two people who aren't "in love," still have a healthy marriage? Is there such a thing as different types of love, or just how we see the person in question? I love love no matter what and just differs from instance to instance?

by Maleficent 877 Posts

Posted on 6/29/2009 5:27 PM

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Comments for "In love/not in love" (10) (You must be logged in to answer)

You deserve someone who loves you, who won't cheat on you, and thinks you are the most beautiful person in the world (inside and out!)

By settling you are saying to him and yourself, and the world that you are unworthy of the best that life has to offer you...and you know you are SO worthy of only the VERY best!

by kimhess 14 Posts
Posted on 7/11/2009 10:15 PM

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Mal,
I've been living with someone who loves me but hasn't been in love with me for several years. If you husband isn't willing to be committed to making the relationship work for you as much as you seem to be committed to making it work for him, then it's time to let it go.

You deserve so much more.

by Keth 190 Posts
Posted on 7/2/2009 5:54 PM

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Mal, why are you selling yourself short? And why would you want to commit to or settle for less than you deserve? You are a beautiful, smart and loving person and you deserve someone who loves you and wants to live in a committed relationship with you.
I think the texting and stuff on your part is a way to hang on. If you give yourself a chance you can be happy again. The healing can't begin until you really let go of this guy!
And ya never know.. he may see what a gem you are and decide he wants you back down the road!
Be strong and true to yourself!!

by StacyMarie 34 Posts
Posted on 7/1/2009 3:16 PM

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Mal,

As one who experienced the whole "roommate" thing for far too long....get out now. You have had time to acclimate to being on your own and away from your husband. He doesn't seem to be making any great effort to try and win you back.

Why waste any more of your time??

by zuki 685 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 10:44 PM

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When my stbx told me she was not in love with me anymore, she said I could stay in our home as long as I wanted while she figured things out. No thanks! I promptly left because I could not commit to someone that was not committed to me.

I would rather be alone and take a chance in hopes to meet someone that deserves me as much as I deserve them.

by jla 17 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 10:33 PM

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Mal, we have a name for people who live together and put up with each other but aren't "in love" with each other. We call them roommates.

Personally, I want a husband who's a friend AND a lover, not just a roommate.

by Iam 466 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 9:29 PM

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I'd rather be lonely ALONE than lonely with someone.

It's not an easy choice. I still miss my stbxh and he lied to me everyday for a year. He's still lieing. It devastates me.

by flutterby 820 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 6:48 PM

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Just felt like saying something. When you separate and your partner
was at a point where what you did was never returned or had a
good value placed in terms of caring about their feelings, that says
a lot. You are very beautiful, and very intelligent. You seem to have
direction and understanding, you probably let a lot of thing's go
in the past and gave an excuse for this behavior-why would you
want to keep experiencing this just to have someone? Divorce sucks.
But living with someone who truly doesn't appreciate you is worse.

by sarce 22 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 6:38 PM

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Hi M, a lasting relationship invovles the heart and mind of both people. You know the answer to that question as it is easy to see. It cannot be ok for 1 week and then off for 2 weeks and so on. I think that you should pack your bags and move on. There are plenty of wonderfull men who would love you a lifrtime. Don't sell yourself short as you are woth it. Kev

by kevinwo 712 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 6:29 PM

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The problem with staying married to someone you love but aren't IN love with - is how much you have to sacrafice.

Mal, you want affection, you want attention, you want to be made to feel like a woman - these are things during this separation you have noted over and over are important to you....and your husband just doesn't care to do or really how you feel about it. He doesn't even TRY.

Mal, the longer you live in an empy relationship, the more you deplete yourself. Being alone can be lonely sometimes, but it brings you closer to yourself and your wants and needs - and gives you the ability to ensure what you want in a partner, you get.

I think you are too beautiful of a woman, in all definitions and senses of the word, to settle for what is barely even 2nd best...just to not be alone.

by spaznskitz 7621 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2009 6:15 PM

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