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my son 

Today my kids went to spend some time with their dad....at my very strong suggestion...I went to my guy friend's house and we just hung out all day...I had dinner over there with him and his mom and it was a nice day, until I got home...My son gets straight A's, he plays multiple sports well and he does help out some at home...however his mouth and attitude stink...and I am sick of it...

 

He is 15 and thinks he is much bigger than he is...I am done with the attitude...He started screaming at me tonight because I told him to get off the damn Xbox live..I had given him 45 minutes after I first told him to wrap it up in about 10...He proceeded to scream at me and I told him to lower his voice when he spoke to me...He said he was leaving...I told him he wasn't going anywhere and I have tried to ground him in the recent past and he blows that off...It always seems worse after he spends some time with his dad....I got the attitude and mouth yesterday too...Tonight, I had had enough...I grabbed a belt...He shut the door to his room...He was screaming at me what was I doing and I told him I was going to beat his ass....He wouldn't open the door...I told him he better let me in because it was going to be worse if he didn't...I was pissed, I have to admit I was really pissed...

 

I went in and swiped at him a couple of times with the belt...He grabbed the belt and I told him he better let go...He outweighs me by at least 30 pounds and is at least 3 inches taller than me but he is still my son and if he needs his ass beat, I will do it....He started spouting stuff about respecting him and stuff....I told him that he did not have the right to talk to me the way he did regardless if he thought I was right or not...I am his mother and I am not going to tolerate it anymore...I told him that he does not have the right to talk to me like I am dirt beneath his shoe....He started crying...but it was still about him and how unfair it is for him to live in this house, he places blame on me...

 

I am not blameless, I am not perfect...I know this but I am doing the best I can here...For a minute when he was spouting stuff at me, he sounded just like his dad and I have no tolerance for that bullshit anymore...He used to be so close with me...My daughter said it wasn't the divorce but that he had been a little jackass for awhile...He lays guilt trips....That is just like his dad...He tries to get his way by playing my emotions...I feel like I have failed my son...Is this the example I let him have and now he thinks this is acceptable behavior? I sprained my damn left wrist trying to beat his ass and I am left handed....

 

I don't really know what to do....All I know is that I am not going to tolerate this kind of behavior...not even from my son...I love him so very much but I cannot allow him to think he can treat me or any other woman this way...This hurts my heart...I would gladly go through the first few months of hell again than to have my son behaving this way and thinking this is acceptable behavior...

 

 

by militaryp  2952 Posts 

Posted on 6/21/2009 11:50 PM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
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Tags: teenage , rebellion , son , anger ,
attitude
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Comments for "my son"  (17) (You must be logged in to answer)
Milly I am posting something that is just made for you after reading this blog.

Too long to copy here but I will make a blog post.

*hugs ya*
by delia_M   2861 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 11:09 PM
0



millie, i am sorry that you are dealing with this. i really know how you feel. my son is 14 and has a mouth on him.. i dont know if its the age or what but they think that they can say and do what ever they want. that makes me so mad.. when i yell back at my son i then feel guilty. i dont want my kids to say that they want to move with their dad.. i try so hard not to fight with them but there are times that i just cant let him just say what ever he wants..i really  think its the age because my son just started to open up about things. i think he was holding alot of stuff in for so many years. now he just yells ans screams. it makes me  so mad.now he thinks he can just say what ever he wants.. just breathe and take a step back and talk to him and listen to him maybe something is bothering him..

hope this helps..

cherbear
by cherbear   5182 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 10:30 PM
0



Mel, I appreciate the advice...I tried to get my kids in therapy, my daughter went, my son refused...I did have a talk to the stbx about this...I told him that I didn't think I was reaching him and that I didn't want our son growing up thinking he could be like this towards women or his mother...My stbx shocked me and agreed that he would be talking to him after the divorce is final at the end of the month...He also stated that he knew he wasn't helping matters any by when he sees the kids every few weeks it is for doing fun stuff only...like a playdate...I used to have my kids do pushups...Only now, my son enjoys doing them...I can still use that one for my daughter..lol...I sat him down tonight and had another talk with him...The mouth and attitude was missing today and he was himself today...Of course, he did want something but we talked and we will see...
by militaryp   2952 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 10:16 PM
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Mili:  I'm a social worker for kids in foster care so don't much like the belt.  As far as behavior after spending time with their parents (whether you are divorced or the kids are in foster care).  They ALL have behaviors after spending time with their parents.  Some whose parents have either been terminated on or relinquished their rights have behaviors after being with their siblings.  It doesn't matter the age.  From 2 to age 17.  I agree with eclectic.  Take it away and put it in your trunk.  Doesn't even have to be the whole module, just some vital piece.  They have to know that there are consequences for their actions.  For some of my kiddo's on my case load, I make them write me a paper.  I have also required that they do some kind of community service hours.  Make him volunteer at the Salvation Army, or some other organization that needs volunteers.  The local animal shelter, etc.  Take care, as you know from experience being a teen is tough, then through in the whole divorce thing that is tough.  He probably feels like his dad let him down as well, and certainly didn't want to spend time with him.  He may also feel like he's responsible for his dad leaving.  Sometimes they think that for whatever reason.  That if he were a better son than his dad wouldn't have left.  Are your kids in therapy?  I know getting teenagers to talk to a therapist is really hard to do.  It might help.  I know a lot of us advocate for DivorceCare for adults but in some communities they have DivorceCare for kids and teens as well.  Might be worth looking into. 
Melaine
by melaine   425 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 8:09 PM
0



Mil, are we related, because our sons could be twins!  I don't have any advice for you.  I'm hoping and praying my kid makes it to 18.  Teenage boys have two problems:  they're young, and they're male.
by Iam   480 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 7:28 PM
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I don't mean to give the impression that my son is a bad kid or teen...He really isn't...I love him, even after I used the belt, I wrapped my arms around him and told him I love him...I told him I am not perfect but that I cannot tolerate his behavior...I am not reaching him though...I can get through to my daugher and we are so close...My son used to be the one closest to me...He used to snuggle with me even though his dad would tease him about being a mama's boy...Believe me, I have tried talking, I have tried taking things away, I have tried everything I can think of...I have tried extra chores...I will not lose my son...We will be sitting down to talk later this evening...
by militaryp   2952 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 1:11 PM
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As per greengrass, teenagers are crazy. 

However, I understand what you are talking about when you say he is worse after he has spent time with your stbx.  A friend of mine had the same problem.  She said it would take about 3 days before her son would think before he acted or spoke after spending time with his dad. 

How crazy is that?!  It eventually stopped but it took a while.  Expecting the behaviour helped but walking on eggshells didn't.
by purebredinip   1194 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 10:54 AM
0



Hi Mili - My son was always soft spoken.  Only one that went to church every Sunday.  Never wanted conflict only peace.  Then when he was around 17, (he's a late bloomer) he rebelled.  Not much, but for him, totally out of character.

I told them (2 boys) that I EXPECT them to hate me.  That I know they love me but but that's what teenagers do when they are trying to become independent young adults (independent in thought....because God knows we provide the shelter, clothing, food, school supplies, etc. etc.)

So I didn't get mad at him.  Just listened to him yell and run off.  Just looked at him.  He came back an hour later in tears hugging me saying he loved me.  I told him I was sorry for any wrong choices I've made in the past and also that I was human.

My oldest son though...whew....Yeah I used the belt.  He was outta control!  But I learned on my 2nd so hopefully this'll help you with yours.
by lifeinpurgatory   1830 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 10:39 AM
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For one thing...teenagers are CRAZY.
It sounds to me like a pretty normal combination of typical teenage testing the waters and reacting to the divorce, your new life, etc.  If he knows that your papers were just signed, etc., he may be reacting to that. I also know that kids his age sometimes act like turds when they just get out of school for the summer.  Another thought - all three of my kids act differently when they return from a visit with dad. It's like they don't know what to do with their emotions.  All three act differently. My 16 year old son is just plain pissed off because his dad is a jerk, my 12 year old seems really tired and my 9 year old daughter is overly emotional. Simply put, raising teenagers is not easy. You seem to be doing a good job overall, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I work with teenagers and two things that I swear by when it comes to boys are very simple. 1) Walk and talk. Boys open up more and are more receptive when they are moving and don't have to sit down and look at you.  If you've never heard this or don't do it, please try it.  It has made a huge difference in the way I relate to my male students and the way they listen to me.  2) praise the positive more than you punish the negative.   Don't take that as a criticism because I don't have any idea how much praise you give him....that is just from my own personal experience.  They want to please and they want to know they are valued but they don't even realize that themselves and they certainly don't want you to know that. 

Sorry if this post is rambling a bit. I just got up and need coffee..........
by greengrass   113 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 9:52 AM
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heart...not hurt....
by vlady   2123 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 9:51 AM
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I am sure it hurt you more than it hurt him.  Daughter is 15 and no problems. Yes, there have been some smart mouthing but nothing I did not handle asap.

Now I have my sweet little Noah, 7, who is quite the character. Add Vita's hot temper added to the mix doesn't make for a good formula.  I can imagine what it will be at 15. After an ugly screaming match, I sat him once and explained the rules.

1) you will not disrespect you. I am not perfect but I am trying my best. 2) I am your mother 3) Our relationship will be bases on mutual respect.

I also explained that when we say ugly things to each other a piece of your hurt is chipped away.  He wanted to know if we could gorilla glue it.  No matter how much you try to fix it, the wound is there. It will heal but nothing will remove the scar.  Be gentle with each other's heart.  

It must of stuck because the 4 yr was being sassy and I heard Noah telling him about my heart. 

Don't let him to back talk. Stand your ground.  The belt might not be the answer. Trust me I have considered it with Noah to the point I have it hanging from the key chain in the kitchen.   Talking might be easier. Not when he is angry or yourself but  when you are both calm. Remember there are hormones, girls, school, and the divorce that he is going through. 

Milly, please do not think that for one minute I have the answers.  I just offering my suggestions. I know Noah will be my handful.  The belt will not work with him. He will only be more resentful. I can feel it allready. Instead I am going to try and talk to him. 

Last night he was having a bad dream and wanted to know if he could sleep with me.  Of course he could. We were in the dark talking about his dad and sad he was we were not together. I did not have an answer for him. I told him that when he grew up that I hoped he made the right desciones in his life. Learn from our mistakes.

Good luck to you Milly.

Abrazos.
by vlady   2123 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 9:50 AM
0



Personally I don't believe in the belt. I never got beat with a belt and I think there are other ways to solve problems without hitting. I don't like the message that hitting someone sends but that is me.
That being said, discipline is in order. Perhaps some unplanned chores like washing and waxing the car? Just an example. It allows them to cool off and think about what they did. It allows you to cool off also.  It does no good to get in a pissing match with a teenager. With all their crazy hormones and that feeling of not being an adult but not being a child either is a tough one to navigate through. Maybe tonight you can go in his room before he goes to sleep and take his face in your hands and tell him how much you love him.
It was just one bad day. It happens.
by Kay46514   229 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 9:26 AM
0



It's part of his growing up and trying to find his role in the world.  Remember when you were just a teen and moving between childhood and adulthood?  Scary times so many emotions.   Keep setting the boundaries, he just needs to know what the limits are, if they keep changing he will keep pushing.  Stay strong, you are a good mom.
by Jamesalone   2778 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 8:52 AM
1



Mil,

I also don't agree with the belt but am guilty of a swat with an open hand. I have had the "going to live with dad" card pulled on me by my 16 yo daughter, who acts just like her dad. It is hard not to compare the two, but they are two different people. Unconditional love is what he needs, to know that no matter how much of an ass/jerk he may be he can't drive you away, but don't put up with the bs! My 12 yo has a serious problem with TV and video games and when he is in that mode he becomes a different person(jackass is how I describe him), I give him the 5 minutes to save and exit the game, when the time is up and he doesn't move, the main part of the game system gets removed and put in my trunk for a week. It seems to be working. Best of luck to you, from one single parent to another, I know how easy it is to loose it :-) with them.
by eclectic   268 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 7:38 AM
0



Milli I would have got the x box after I told him to wrap it up in ten. You are a better mom than me I would have taken a hammer to the x box and he would work to earn the next one. My children knew they could talk with me about anything but they had better never flip me attitude. As far as this being from the divorce I don't think so. Yes I have thrown away expensive things. If I grounded you from it and I caught you with it it was trash.
by sjg   1772 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 1:37 AM
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I figured I would get some crap about the belt but I used to get my ass beat with one when I needed it and it sure managed to straighten my ass out. The belt is not my first option ever...I use it as a last resort. My son is the younger one as well...Wonder if that is a pattern?
by militaryp   2952 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 1:08 AM
0



That really does suck.  My son who is 15 also hasn't behaved badly to me, but my 11 yo daughter has, and I am so sick of it. 
I'm sure plenty of people are gonna write you and say you should have not taken a belt to your son, but not me.  Children need to understand that they are not bigger and better than us.  Physically maybe, but that's it.  Sometimes they need to be put in their place.
We're damned if we do and damned if we don't
by m04   45 Posts
Posted on 6/22/2009 12:07 AM
0





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