My pathetic meltdown ... 

I too have been there more than I would like to admit.but it is  far better than living with what if.All we can do is pick ourselves up brush of our sleeves and give it hell again.I have to fight for what I believe in.my kids are counting on me.

HI Sunflower2 -

I am a relationship counselor.  I work with folks who have suffered relationship trauma every day.  (I know it says I am a financial professional on D360 - it's a glitch, they're working on it).

I agree with those here who cheer you for your brave efforts.  We rarely go to our grave wishing we'd spent more time at work or made more money.  We wish for more time with the folks we love.  I applaud you for giving your heart voice.  You have been true to yourself and your values.  Don't shame yourself for your efforts.  Be proud. 

Give yourself a break.  Separation and divorce are hard for everyone.  If you want more help you can try going to a support group  http://www.divorcecare.com/findagroup/.  Divorce care is excellent, usually free, and has meetings all over the country.  They are all folks just like you. 

If you want more from me you can check out by blog.  There's lots of stuff there that may help.  http://holistic-counselor.blogspot.com/.  Good luck and feel free to email me if you want to chat.

I did that too, my husband of twenty years left me to be with my own sister-in-law.  After not having talked to him in a while, he finally called.  Just hearing his voice was all it took for me to think that maybe things could be fixed.  I asked him if he really wanted a divorce,,  that if he wanted to we could be just parents to our kids and really good friends...  Oh wow!!    He shot me down by saying that at this point he would have to convince himself not to file for divorce.  I felt really pathetic, ashamed, and so embarrassed, I know I cried after we hung up the phone.  But after a few days of mulling it over, I decided that well, "so what?",, this was my marriage that I was trying to save despite all the mess he had brought into it.  I can always look back and say that I tried, and tried, and tried to maintain not just the marriage, but also my family.

I to have had several meltdowns, so don't feel pathetic or alone. It's been almost a yr since our physical seperation, and although he says he hates my guts, he won't file ( I can't afford the cost, he makes considerably more than i do). I at the moment am caught up in the recession and strangely I don't won't to file for alimony. I don't want to anger him cuz he has the kids (19 & 15) and now takes his anger out on them. Another reason I haven't filed is cuz I had hoped the seperation would soften his heart. It's funny cuz at times I feel sooooo strong and happy to away from his emotional abuse, but all it takes is to hear a favorite song or to see someone doing something that we had planned or used to do together, and of course (although i have not been an angel) he blames the entire fall of our relationship on me. I have the belief that all things (out of your control )happen for a reason, so have faith and let GOD work it out. Cuz it's not over until GOD say's it's over. Hang in there as best you can.

hey sunflower...i had a meltdown too...actually, I hate to admit it..but I have had a few...but mine have all been in the form of a letter, telling him that the demise of our marriage was all MY fault! and that i would live every day of my life making him happy again. Now after reading that..dont you feel less pathetic?? You should! I have the constant internal battle in my head of whether I can actually live my life with out him or not...and some days it sure does seem like I cannot do it alone. The other day a friend of mine asked if I would ever get married again.. I said, "absolutely not, cuz I just cant see taking those vows again, after they have been broken." She told me that I shouldnt look at it that way, cuz I am not the one who Broke them. I wish you luck in you own personal battle....

Don't call yourself pathetic. There is nothing pathetic about having a broken heart. At least you know you are human.

How powerful your story is. 

I was on the other end of one of those 'breakdowns.'  I was ready to leave my wife (not to an affair, just a very unhappy 25 year marriage) when she broke-down on me.  It too was a very powerful action. 

I relented and stayed in the marriage.  It was a terrible mistake, she left her job and nothing ever got better. Now I'm really stuck. 

I don't know what caused him to think he needed a relationship outside the marriage (and it sounds like a relationship, not an affair), but if the source problems in marriage are not addressed first, it would probably be a mistake (for both of you) for him to return. 

I do wish you every happiness.  We all deserve that. 

Oh dear Sunflower, I feel your pain. I am in the midst of my own situation. I have been separated for 6 months. I found out a month after my husband moved out to "find himself" that he had been having an affair for months. We are now in the 10th month of the affair. We too were going to counseling. He promised me he was implementing boundaries with the other woman and phasing her out of his life. When I found out this was not the case, I went to a lawyer to find out my options. I was afraid for my and my 2 daughters financial future. In TX they don't have legal separation so I filed. I did it to protect us financially and NEVER wanted the divorce. 

I don't know where you live but I'm pretty sure that most lawyers will give you an initial consultation for free. It doesn't hurt to find out your options and it will empower you. Be sure to make a very comprehensive list of questions. Discuss it with friends to try and make sure you cover all of your bases. I have a friend that is going to college, has 2 kids and was able to buy a home with her child support and alimony payments.
 
I believe in the covenant in marriage. Never be ashamed of fighting for your marriage and everything you believe in. Sometimes an outburst is the only way you feel you can get a point across. You do what you feel is right but DO NOT let yourself be a doormat. DO NOT let him manipulate you. If you can I recommend  seeing a good christian counselor. The one in my town works with people with little or no income.

I know this is an extremely difficult time for you and I'm so sorry that we belong to the same "club". But you focus on yourself and your children. You sit back and assess your situation and do what's best for YOU. I know, believe me I know, it is easier said than done. But as long as you keep trying you will get a little bit stronger every day.

We are all here for ya sweetie. You hang in there and I will be praying for you and your family!

Thanks so much everyone for your support!!

I don't think I've stopped crying since yesterday. I hope he really thinks, before we finalize everything, about the present & the future and finds one last little bit within himself to be agreeable & to really try.

After all, the only things in life you regret are the risks that you don't take ...

You lost nothing by asking. You lost nothing, even, by begging. It's marriage. It's family. It's worth every effort you make to save it.

Not pathetic in the least. Strong, honest, and courageous. Good for you. *hugs you tightly*

Thank you paula. I couldn't even sleep last night thinking that what I had done was possibly the most idiotic, overdramatic thing I had ever done in my life. But I can't imagine the rest of life going by and thinking 'why didn't I just say something, anything'??!! Who knows what will happen now?

I'm with paula on this one...leave nothing unsaid and your reasoning is right on...do whatever it is you have to do to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be able to answer that question, "Did I do everything I could to save this marriage?" with a resounding "Yes!"  No need to feel pathetic about that...and there's nothing weak in it either.  *hugs ya*

I did something similar to what you did right after she told me.  There's nothing wrong with it.  You said your peace and he knows how you feel.  I did read your story and am really sorry for what you have been through.  It does sound like he was not a very good husband or father.  Do you really want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life?  The courts can determine medical coverage if you/he cannot work it out.  You need to focus on you and your kids now.  He does not figure in to the equation.

i think it's good that you did that.  you were honest with yourself and with him.  that took courage and in my opinon was the right thing to do.  unless there is abuse, all marriages should try, try and try again to be saved.

we all took vows to do that right? 

when are words mean nothing....it's pretty much down hill from there.  because that's all we really have in the end.

anyway. don't feel bad. feel empowered.  he will be the one who will forever have to remember that you tried every possible thing....and he didn't.