Ranting part 1 

I haven't blogged in a while but lately I have had a lot on my mind. I really forgive my ex, but am struggling because I get so angry at times. I am learning that this is normal and doesn't mean that I don't forgive him, it just means that I have hurt feelings.

I do know that deep down he never meant to hurt me, as he has said this. I also know that he does care and will always love me, as he has said this too! This helps but it still doesn't remove the hurt. My sister has said "it takes time, and its too soon for you guys to be anything". As much as I don't want to hear it, I know deep down its the truth. I guess sometimes I just get so caught in the moment of trying to move on so quickly that I ignore my feelings. I have moments when I just want to hug him and forgive him (of course never forgetting) but still moving on in a positve way but other times, I just want to cry and ring his neck, thinking he doesn't deserve my friendship. He has said recently that he is very sad and feels very bad about the way we ended. Although, this has truly touched me in many ways, I still have my moments of anger, read: "YOU CHOSE THIS".

Anyway, I can now tell my cycles, of happy & sad. I can definitely say that my sad cycles are shorter and less frequent than they were say a few months ago. So yes time does heal. But can I get over them already. I am so tired of having my crying moments or analyzing his behavior moments. Its to the point where now its getting exhausting.

I think both of us are learning alot, me more so but I do think he is going through a lot too, this helps to know as well. It can be so disheartening knowing they are off having the time of thier lives. Something a little comforting in knowing that they too are going through some difficult periods.

I like to think of my ex as a good person. He is highly intelligent and I know he has given things a lot of thought and probably continues to do so. I can tell through his behavior that things are changing a little for him towards me. Hes not so rigid or cold like he used to be. THis is nice, although at times I want to scream "WHERE WAS THIS ATTITUDE MONTHS AGO, WHEN SHE CAME FIRST" Anywho, I am trying to be patient and understand that everyone comes into their learning moments at their own time. Because I was alittle more intelligent in the relationship department than he doesn't diminish who he is as a person. I know he is a good person. I think me knowing this is what is allowing me to work on the forgiveness factor. Its hard but I know I need to come to that point for my own growth.

I know my relationship is a little different than most. Most seem to hate each other for ever, and never speak. I on the other hand have a cordial relationship with my ex and have children so we have to speak. The underlying issue that we both know is that we were best friends right up until he met his new girl. Read: his new girl demanded that he not be friends with me. To a point I can understand her concern but on my end it still hurts. Especially since he chose to honor that, its funny because I truly think he is rethinking his decision on that. Again, as my sister told me, they eventually see what they did wrong and regret like no tomorrow. Some are slower than others some faster but eventually they have those moments when they can't help but realize that they made a few bad mistakes. I refer to it as the "phone call" I have yet to recieve it but his "friend" text was pretty darn close. Oh well! I am still moving on in a positive direction. Still taking one day at a time and counting al of my blessings!

Sorry for the rant, just felt the need to write my feelings out tonight!!