TWO YEARS WITHOUT SEX? 

I am 40 fucking years old with a 14 year old piece of shit.  I have not had sex in 3 years since my husband left me.  I am so horny I do not know what todo.  I am masturbating every day and I just want that piece of shit son dead.I am so wet.  I am tired of watching porn.  And I cannot do it when my lazyson is home.  He does not work.  Sometimes I just want to die, or put my son up for adoption or something.
Every day I think this is it, this is the day I put myself out of my misery andget away from this awful hellish life.  I am desperate for a man.  Desperate fora big dick inside of me.  I would give up my son just for sex.

I have been separated for 6 months with the divorce pending.  I made the mistake of calling my stbxh in April and asked  him to come over.  He didn't hesitate.  Later he assured me that he told the OW.  However, it came out later he had not.  That was a FUN conversation with the OW *evil laugh*  He now says it was pity sex and he would never have done it if I hadn't forced him.  I didn't realize that I had such power!  Whatever.  The longest I have gone without is 6 months when my husband was stationed in Korea, so I will just have to see what happens in the next few months.  I do know I won't do anything until the divorce is final.  If I didn't wait I wouldn't be any different than my unfaithful husband!

I have to admit...when I was with my husband for the past couple of years we had one sided sex, sex where he got off but I did not and could not no matter how much I tried. I realized my problem was how much resentment I had toward him.

 When I decided to kick him out I "hooked up" someone else and the sex part was good and I could "O" again. Not because I was attracted to him because I really wasn't all that attracted to him at all. The reason I could have an orgasm was because it was completely and 100% about me. There was no feelings or animosity. I left him and went back with my husband, nothing has changed like I thought it would. We have been separated for 2 years now.

I have given up on men all together, do not mind talking to them and wondering if there is a "Mr. Right" for me but that is the extent.

I know this makes me sound bad but it is the truth.  Instead of dealing with men whom I am not interested in having a relationship with I figure I will do without. It is safer this way. I don't have the worries of contracting anything or the emotional attachment which I really can not deal with.

Boy this sex thing sure gets some good responses :) Personally I have had to go without sex for almost two yrs. I as any warm blooded man sure as hell misses it. I personally have no desire to jump in the sack with someone I hardly know. My ex sure has enjoyed those HPV treatments since she caught that for her new found man. My oldest son is in no way ready for me to have a relaionship with a woman right now. It would not be fair to my future girlfriend and it would cause more resentment towards women in my oldest son''s heart. So right now I just focus on helping him heal from the trauma he has suffered due to his mother's actions and one day soon enough I can have a girlfriend and my son and her will have a wholsome relationship and I can make up for lost time making real love not just blowing off some steam. :)  My self esteem is still in tact because I know I am doing what is best for my children and they come first and they have the security knowing that and ONE Day I can have my day. I hope I have not made a fool out of myself but I have other peoples emotions at stake and if me having a girlfriend is going to hurt any of my children then I will wait.

I could see how it easily become 2 years, even without any self esteem issues.  I'm pretty new to the single parent routine but between work, commutes, soccer practice, pets, housework,  child time, and me time there isn't always a lot of room for finding someone for 'we' time.

Keth

lol.  You'll get no argument from me when it comes to the physiology of sex.  Men are like subway customers--I'm just gonna stick this here token in that there slot and go for a ride.  Women are more like the turnstyles--hey bub, if you want to go for a ride, then put a little backspin on that token and see if my gears turn...

...but, as you noted, there's more to sex--and certainly to sexuality--than orgasm.

LOL, Lenn, you kill me!  In some ways men's sexuality is undersimplfied - but I don't think women's is over-complicated.  75% of women don't G-spot orgasm - 12% don't climax at all.  Can't say those stats apply to men *grin  Not that orgasms are the end-all/be-all, be I think it's safe for some deductions to come from those numbers.

dazeddaily - ummm, there was a blog I wrote on here awhile back regarding a 'flaccid' experience I had.  Mt story was rather 'controversial' - I think it's in the archives:)

I went 5 years 4 months and 13 days to have sex after my first divorce. so yes it does something to self esteem. this is from a 33 year old who at the time was 23 years old. i had the chances but would  not take them. did not think i was good enogh for anyone.

lol...while I understand your sentiments, you are incorrect sir...she, like every other woman, knows the meaning of "disappointed"...













d

If I had to bet, I'd wager the only "limp" the lovely Ms Moore has ever seen was a bad knee....

lol.  Delaine...if it wasn't clear, I dig you.  I wouldn't engage with you on this level if I didn't. 

And now my laughter is accompanied by nasal snorts...so many innuendoes come to mind.

But I will say this: who is bowing to societal norms now?  It's not just women who have complex sexuality. I firmly believe that the sexuality of men is over-simplified and the sexuality of women is over-complicated.  That means I believe the answer isn't males becoming women or females becoming men (if you get my sense and the distinction between "biological sex" and "gender"), but rather the two moving towards the middle.  My guess is given our interaction over these matters, you know I feel this, but just to make it explicit.

Also, on another explicit matter, if you're ever free for a Frieday night, I'd be happy to promise you a world-shattering event, show up limp and uninspired, and then give you puppy-dog eyes when you blow up on my pathetic ass....

Del, I like the way you put things right out there...It is a good question too...I have spent a lot of time thinking about this as well...I can only say what I decided was right for me...it may not be right for someone else, each person has to make their own decision....I can't do the one night stand...it would batter my self-esteem...I can however go there with someone that I am attracted to, have real liking for and a reasonable expectation that we would be exclusive at least in that regard...Too strict of rules? Maybe but it is what it takes to make it work for me...My thinking has undergone some big changes in that arena since this whole divorce process started and may continue to change. Again, I like the way you put it out there...sometimes we don't realize it is something we are all pondering... :D

Thanks a really good point Lenn.  Women's sexuality is so complex and I think there tends to be an evolutionary aspect to it that comes with time/age.

She did mention (this is kind of ironic) that she experienced her first G-spot orgasm over the past two years with a toy *grin.  I get the impression she enjoyed that more than any sex she had in past!

See Delaine, I would wonder whether she was all that in touch with her passionate/desireable Self before the divorce.  From what I've seen, divorces rarely changes out fundamental priorities.  If she is neglecting that Self now, she probably was then too, in which case sex was not (and is not) the answer.

I've never gone that long without sex, but there might be a time in my life when I do. I'd like to think it would ber a personal choice and not for lack of trying :)

I do think your friend is in a rut which if she doesn't face it, can lead to 5 years or 10 or even the rest of her life. She should take the time to think about what she desires and put some time into finding it. We all need balance in our lives, devoting all our time and energy to another, even if it is our children, isn't healthy. In the long run it has detrimental effects on all his/her relationships, including those kids. She needs to find a balance between caring for herself and caring for them.

I often wonder why some people categorize sex as either meaningless, faceless sex to get off or long term married sex.    Why no in between?    Why so black and white?

If you decide to be celibate, fine.   But understand that there are shades of grey with sex that can bring color, beauty and healing to your life along with a lot of sexy fun and feelings.  

I personally can't imagine giving up sex anymore than I can imagine giving up exercise and reading great books.    It isn't meaningless activity that can just be tossed away.

"So now I wonder, is it better to have sex just for sex, for the release and comfort it brings, or 'go without' and deal with the negative consequences such as low self-esteem?"

This is a provocative subject. Every person here has his/her own views about sex and love. No one of them is right...or wrong. We all have desires and how we go about satisfying those desires depends on our life experiences. This often provokes rather angry responses from some when confronted by someone's behavior which does not conform to their own standard.

For myself, it's a tough question. I for one don't want to go two years without the joys of sex. I have had sex for sex's sake as well as being in love and making love. Which do I prefer? Lovemaking. But in the absence of that I will accept just having sex for the pleasures it brings and give in return. Sex can be a passtime between two people same as going out together on a bike ride or playing a game of cards. It's a pleasant activity. Now some people can't understand that concept and that's ok, it's not for everyone.

I'm not saying that jumping into bed with any 'body' is the remedy here.  (Though it may work for some).  And if someone feels strong and empowered through abstinence then good on her/him!

What struck me most was that in the 'busyness' of life post-divorce, my friend's sense of her  passionate/desirable Self had plummeted to the bottom of her priority list, along with her self-esteem.  We ALL know how 'busy' life is and how busy it stays, divorced or not...so when do we MAKE TIME to put that part of ourselves closer to the top?  In my books, two years seems a really long time.  My fear for her is that she's so stuck in a rut - a way of thinking and perceiving herself and her new life - that it'll soon turn into five years!

Happiness, joy, surrender, bliss all come in many different packages.  I personally feel that making love is but one of many meaningful kinds of sexual experiences one can have on the continuum of sex. Whatever pit stops one makes on that continuum are personal.  But I also think people have to be really honest about the reasons why they make the choices they do around sex...I wonder how much comes from social  conditioning and fear 

That wonderful afterglow the next day, that skip in your step and mischeivious grin you feel on your face.... sorry, but that doesn't come from a night of playing with sex toys!

Perfect Natalie.  Well said.

It seems a bit dangerous to rely on something external, like sex, to bolster one's self esteem, doesn't it?

 

Doesn't that dynamic shift the power away from ourselves and towards another person, potentially even an almost total stranger? I guess I just don't need 'it' that badly.

I spent 18 years looking for reassurance from another person (and often not getting it) and feel like now it's time to change.

I did finally go over to the referenced link and see that the story is slightly different there, and that the woman said herself that her self-esteem had plummetted.

It's a lively conversation topic but I have had my time in the sun with sex and consider it a non-issue anymore unless someone is up in my face about it. Which no one here is, and ;) thank you for that.

And thanks Delaine, too, for a provocative topic. This one had me justifying my choices and experiences and reactions to myself offline too, all night long.

Not everyone who goes without suffers.  In fact, for many going it alone and feeling confident and beautiful in who you are without complications or a person to "prop" you up physically and psychically can and should be liberating.  Personally I feel MORE beautiful as the confident, single, and for now sexless, woman that I am.  Simply "getting off" with some stranger isn't going to change that.

Oh yeah, and I'm taking Delaine at her word here, that the woman described herself as insecure.  But, like I said before, I think Delaine is trusting the woman a bit too much.  People tend to lie, especially when lies make them look better.  My guess is the lack of sex is a symptom, not the cause, of insecurity.  But it is easier for this woman to point to the lack of sex because it means she doesn't have to deal with the deeper insecurities.  Just a theory, based on someone else's distillation of a thirty-minute distillation of deep psycho-somatic matters...so, just a theory.

And BTW, I totally agree with you on sex-as-a-need.  I hate it when people say sex is a need, with all the vapid comparisons to food and drink.  It's not a need.  Yeah, there's a biological drive, but note that it's a biological drive for reproduction.  So, first, it's not a need, and second, the biological drive isn't even about sex.  *growls*

Felix, I don't think you're over-projecting.  Delaine has found her answer in her sexuality--when a person has found an answer, they typically have a hard time understanding why others haven't come to the same conclusion.  I think "scorn" is probably overstating it, but "pity" might be appropriate, and is just as frustrating.

My point is that the majority will read your words and see a woman who is very self-aware and intentional about her growth.  You are also taking the bull by the horns--that is clear.  And that's pretty much all we can ever ask: what would most people think?  Not that their opinions REALLY matter, but still, we do like receiving affirmation.