Always wondering and so tired 

How do you ever stop wondering? I have spent a lot of time wondering how to get out of my head and on with my life. I still have a lot of love in my heart for my ex and I'm tired of wondering. Wondering if his being nicer, extra attempts at affection, slightly more vocal about what happened between us are ways of him trying to show me he wants to work things out, or his way of putting blinders on me so i don't see what life after him would look like? Tired of wondering why I have yet to see this mysterious extra phone he has,  never on his person when he comes around. Tired of telling myself to believe him when he says he's not with her anymore but not able to get rid of this pit in my stomach which tells me otherwise. Tired of wondering how much longer i am going to allow myself to be played. This is what it feels like. He knows I am still very vulnerable when it comes him and plays on that and then it's like it never happened. Like he didn't say I love you, I miss you and then it goes back to status quo. Everytime I see a personal's ad or a friend offers to set me up I can't do it. It's depressing. I didn't sign up for this. I wanted to be married once and for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of what's out there but am afraid of being alone.

We have been seperated for 17 months and the divorce is under way. How can I ever get myself to stop wondering? I guess it will only happen when he is ready to be honest. It hurts because I don't believe that will ever happen. How can I truly let go of someone who says they still love me and miss me but doesn't do anything about it?