The Parent Swap and Divorced Woman 101

Divorced is never totally divorced is it?

I have been divorced for ten years. We share two kids and from that aspect I guess I know this person will always be connected. But I just experienced something I hadn't quite imagined before. A very dear mutual friend of ours died last week. The service was this week, and there we were, still connected,yet not connected. I'm sure there must have been a whisper or two when we sat together...one of our kids between us, and his girlfriend of 6 years on his other side. I'm sure it probably looked a little odd to some....a couple who has been divorced for ten years still in some way connected and brought together by sadness. I would say though that we all handled it well. There was mutual grief and so none of us felt one bit awkward. We went to the reception following and all stood in a circle (ex husband, girlfrend, and I) with some other people and just shared. We all shared our stories about our different times with our friend. And yes, there were some stories the joined ex husband and I, just as there of course were of ex husband and girlfriend where I was left out. But nobody cared....Yes, we are divorced, but our pasts are forever linked, and they are, not just because of our kids, but because of our lives. Hmmm.

by DK-Simoneau 189 Posts

Posted on 4/10/2009 2:02 PM

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Tags: divorce and death , moving on

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Comments for "Divorced is never totally divorced is it?" (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

I don't know, my stbx has a girlfriend already, and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I would have gone to the funeral, but not sat next to them, maybe ten years down the line I could. Glad you are at that point I want to be at, bc hurting and anger sucks.

by neekyboo 9 Posts
Posted on 4/20/2009 12:45 AM

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Hi dk,

Thanks for sharing. I sincerely hope that I get to the point where you are at with your ex. My ex and I went to my son's confirmation, and it was definitely strained. Good for you, you give newbies like me hope.

by Iam 474 Posts
Posted on 4/19/2009 4:54 PM

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I have no hatred and who are you to say that?
I just personally feel with all of the millions of people in the world, I have better things to do than worry about what kind of relationship I have with my ex.
If a mutual friend died, I would be completely comfortable attending the funeral even though he was there but I wouldn't feel it necessary to "put on the dog" for my ex and his girlfriend by sitting with them and acting like we are just one big happy family.
I am confident enough in myself that I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

by Kay46514 229 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 12:44 PM

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I have to say that I am a little sad that there are a few comments that have people that are so bitter about their exes that they can't even put their differences aside for the sake of mourning a very dear friend. Wow! It had nothing to do with my ex and I. It had to do with that this was a friend that was very close to both of us, and we both needed to be at the service to grieve. My point was that it is amazing at all of the connections that may continue on for the rest of our lives. I'm certainly glad that I am able to let so much go. It must be awful carrying around that kind of hatred in your hearts.

by DK-Simoneau 189 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2009 9:20 PM

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There is no abuse or cheating involved in my situation. She just fell out of love with me, a concept I find alien. Be friends, never. I can't take that step backwards from what we did have. I want never to see her again.

by BEHaws 657 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2009 10:47 AM

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I have to agree with Curious 123 on this one. Although, I do think it is great (you) have a "good" relationship with your ex, that is not me. I don't give two hoots if the sun ever shines on my two timing ex now or ever and I definately NOT connected in any way shape or form to him nor do I want to be.
When you move on, you move on period! There are enough people in this world to make friends with then to worry about what kind of relationship I "could have" with my ex.
Ha............I don't think so!

by Kay46514 229 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2009 10:43 AM

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Very nice post, DK. Sorry about the loss of your friend. So sad.

I sure wish I could have that kind of relationship with my wife, but first she needs to become my ex.

by 2much42long 3031 Posts
Posted on 4/10/2009 5:11 PM

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I am truly not bitter but when I divorce I really don't want to hear from my spouse unless it has something to do with the kids. The way I look at it is my spouse didn't want the marriage to work so they should have considered all the little everyday things that go with the marrriage before going down that road. I don't want to be reminded of the painful past of lies, deceit and cheating. I prefer to start fresh and move forward. Even though we had many years together that was something they ended quite intentionally and with no regard to my feelings. So, I prefer not to have a reminder of all that. I am 100% happy where I am today and will be when things are final. I don't wish misfortune on my spouse in fact quite the opposite, I hope she finds what will make her happy and content. I have doubts it will happen but I do hope it does. I don't want to have one of those post divorce deals where they call up telling the ex how bad their life is.

I think the old Lobo song said it well, I loved you too much to ever start liking you so don't expect me to be your friend.

Thats just me....

by curious123 978 Posts
Posted on 4/10/2009 3:04 PM

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Thanks for this post DK......it goes a long way to confirming my intension of moving past the pain and anger and to a working friendship with my ex. Not only for my daughter's (7 yrs old) sake but in honor of a fairly fruitful and happy 10yeras together of life.

Despite his infidelity and our problems, he was and is a part of my life and therefore worth the effort and challenge of remaining friendly and grateful for him in my life.

Thanks for the reminder that there are so many ways we are still connected and always will be.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 4/10/2009 2:16 PM

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