Dont know what to do 

Read this site. Read the victims section. 

http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com/quizzes/narcissism.htm

Highlight all the behaviors you reconize your spouse has, then highlight all the things you reconize you have been through.

Get your own personal bank account with a person you trust to be on the account besides your spouse. Start banking money. Begin making copies of all your documents that you and your spouse have including anything to do with the house, retirement (his too) Leave a copy of yours for him, bank accounts, CD's, IRA's, 401k's etc. Give them to your lawyer if possible, or parent or whomever you choose to hold onto.

Find a therapist to talk to, if you have kids, one that is good with children. Prepare, because I can see you will be leaving soon. A person can only take so much, and if you are here for support, you've almost reached your limit!

To see what I went through, go to www.allpoetry.com/monkeysee72

You'll get the picture!

All my best,

Momof2girls

Hi I am Kevin, kevinotto53@yahoo.ca.  My wife left Jan. 20 from Edmonton, Canada to be with her boyfriend (62 yrs.) in N. Carolina.  I am 53 and we have been married 33 years.  She is 51 years old.  I love her to death and never saw it coming, I thought we had a great marrage.  We have 3 boys 25, 27, 29 and 2 are married and all are financially stable living on their own.  She met this guy online and it escaladed to her leaving.  I discovered the 15000 emails and confronted her on the phone and she immediatly left for the US.  The secret to this situation is to be busy so as not to think AND to look after your health.  I am a journalist and find writing gives me an outlet.  But it is hell.  I have empathy for all people who go through this kind of mess.  I know I will survive and progress to greater maturity.  There are good days and bad.  You must be strong for your kids.  You must look after yourself first.  Dump this lowlife bum husband and pursue a life without him.  Seek professional help for financial and mental support.  Rely on your best friends.  You need comfort, get massage therapy, etc.  You become strong and you will find another mate worthy of your love.  I have suffered greatly and understand you.  You can email me but you are never obligated to ever do so.  I find it therapeutic to help people anyway I can.  Think positive and remember that you will reap huge rewards when your your children are adults.  I am so glad to have them near me.  How my wife can leave us all and NEVER contact or respond to our emails is inhuman.  Life does go on and things can always be worse.  Take care my dear.......Kev

Like many of the people  who posted to this blog.... I can also say I have been there as well. Mine left me 5 times to please  his family and went to another woman "to ease the lonliness"
 By the 4th time  I was hurt and  let it be..... the 5th time I didnt realy cry. I was more annoyed, not just with him and all but also with me.  The 5th time, I left.  I packed up the kids and went to my parents for a few days.  I didnt call or text or anything.  1 left him know in a nice way that me and the kids decided we were NOT comming back other than to  get more of our stuff and that will be the only time we would be in that house.   I gave up. I loved him but got tired of being thrown away like a piece of trash.  He made sure to be here and floolwed me as I tossed clothes and game boys in laundry baskets.  I let HIM do the talking, the reasoning and crying and all I could say was "I love you BUT........."
 We have spent the last few months in counseling. He has shut out most of the outside noise and gotten rid of all friends and common things of "her" as well as a few mouthy family members that encouraged  a relationship between them.  It isnt easy at all BUT I made a vow and I will keep it as long as I can.  Forgivness is easy.... its the forgetting that kicks you in the ass.   
  Walk away. You are smart, beautiful and have t take time to see how this has effected your life as well as your marriage and family. If he comes back he may see  what he needs to do to keep such a good woman as his wife. If he dont, you may find a man who will feel totaly lucky to have you in his life and will spend all his days living to love and cherish you as you should be.
 GOOD LUCK!!  You deserve to be happy!

Are you kidding?  You are a beautiful woman.  You wouldn't go six months without a date unless you chose to.   You deserve better.

It's that simple.

Well right now things are ok.  He says that things have been so busy at work this past week that he has not even thought about her and that he does not feel that there is something missing.  But if that is true what is going to happen the next time he gets bored.  I feel like he has put everything on me and its going to be my fault if things dont work out.  But then little things or moments happen with us or the girls I feel like I have to do this for us and our family.  I guess IM still in limbo.

I hate to say it, but your situation sounds exactly like mine. I left my husband after 4 years of marriage and 12 years of dating and moved to GA with our two babies, 2 yrs old and 4 months old.  He has since moved down here to be next to the kids, but brought his girlfriend with him.  Everytime they get into a fight, he comes to my house, saying he wants his family back and they are through, yada yada.  I fell for it the first time and we made plans to go to counseling, work on our marriage and everything.  Then they make up and he just ups and leaves us.  Well, they got into it again and he calls me up asking to pick him up.  Same thing happens again, after he swore they were through.  I'm done.  I understand why you keep taking him back, because I have the same feelings and emotions about my husband that you have about yours, but it's not healthy at all.  I have posted a sign in my bathroom mirror that says "I DESERVE BETTER!" and I read it every morning.  I soooo want our family back together and truely believe that if we work at it, it would be better, but I can't force him to see it, so I've got to move on.  I'm trying to set the best example possible for our kids, even if he's not, so hubby has got to go.  I am not going to be his doorstep or allow myself to be used everytime he and that heifer get into a fight.  Big bitch.  Okay, let me stop, that's not nice.  But I'm moving on.  The pain is still fresh, but I have to remind myself that I am stronger than this and I will survive.  You will too, and you deserve so much better!  Remember that!

Wow...........what a difficult position you are in.  But the way I see it, this is not about him, it is about you.  You need to do some things to fall in love with you.  And when you start treating yourself with love and respect, either he will too, or you will love yourself enough to realize that "He" is not your whole life, you are your whole life.  Do you like yourself? Do you take care of you?  When is the last time you did something wonderful for you...........something as wonderful as enjoying a good book or a bubble bath.  You are a wonderful person, and you need to remember that first.  Once that becomes strong and secure........the rest will fall into place.  Best wishes..............dk

oh no. That is my high school pic. Several pounds heavier now and 3 children later and a gastic bypass surgury for him later. That is excatly what my friends are telling me to do ... Kick him to the curb and dont let the door hit his behind on the way out. I dont have any other family. My mom has passed way I never knew my dad. She had mental problems and was a drunk all my life. My childhood sucked on all levels....everything you can think of that can happen to a child happened to me. Then I met him and my life changed for the better. Maybe Iam just scared that its is going to change again. He is a wonderful daddy and the girls have already had alot more of him in a daddy than i ever had. Iam just scared.. I know that if he leaves again that this will be it. I have already filled out the divorce papers on line. Just waiting on this "month" to be over. I Just feel like there is this big weight on my shoulders knowing that she is waiting in the wings.

do you enjoy being the welcome wagon?  Would you buy him a box of condoms and put a room at the Hilton on your credit card? Why not buy him a bottle of champaign and a dozen roses to take to her. Just remember to shut the door quietly when you come home not to wake the girls. >> Are you nuts? It is a terrible thing to be a victim of someone elses behavior. You are a victim and it is time for you to be the victor. Throw him out clothes and all. Show him that you are not going to cower to him any longer. Help him with getting set up to assist you financially with your children.  He can also help you out with some spousal support. Let this go on for three to six months no matter how much he begs to come home. Then later on if you still love this man and he wants to more than anything work his marriage then go to counseling. If at the end of a year or maybe a year and  a half and you feel that he really wants his marriage to work then if you are willing give it a shot. I bet he won't take you for granted any longer. Is that hard yes, is that tough yes is it for the best of yourself and your childred yes. It is also best for him because he can finally make a choice for who and what he wants so good luck and be strong the reward you will get will be grand.
Greg

I'm just wondering if the reason you may be trying to hang on to a relationship that doesn't sound like it was ever really satisfying to either of you is out of a sense of guilt you may fee from what you did earlier in the relationship. two wrongs don't make a right however. Apparently  something was always lacking. Please don't think you have to "settle". Your husband is a chronic cheat. Some men simple are this way and always will be. My first husband,case in point. He is on wife #4. Never has he been faithful. I think when a man cheats or a woman for that matter that person holds little regard for their partners heart or their wellbeing. Now days you are actually putting your spouse or partner's life at risk. It's like saying screw you I don't care what happens to you. And who would raise those beautiful children? Makes my blood boil.  
I also believe children are better off in a divorced healthy home than watching mom and dad cheat lie and turn bitter.A miserable parent makes miserable children. You can and will find love again (maybe for real this time)and bring your girls up knowing how family is supposed to be even if it is with a stepdad with them seeing dad on everyother weekend etc. Hey that's the price you pay when you go out and play.  Good Luck to you my dear.. God bless

This is advice from a MAN. Sorry ladies, the nuttiness that lurks in a man's head is very difficult to understand or forgive. You want to forgive because you want your family. That is very honorable. He wants to stop and knows it is wrong, but cannot because he doesn't have the emotional capacity or maturity to see the destruction he has created. The truth is, it is probably already too late for you. How can you forgive? How can you trust? Perhaps mother nature has played a cruel trick on men and short circuited our brains to the extent that many men do not have a very good grip on their emotions, your emotions, your kids emotions and the damage that their actions can have on everyone's feelings. I over time have come to the conclusion that women are so dramatically more in tune with feelings and emotions than men are. Men almost have separate compartments in their minds that allow them to behave in such a destructive manor. And then they use some sort of unemotional logic to justify the unfeeling and thoughtless (and in this case, gross) behavior. I cannot really give you any advice. But I can wish you peace and hope. Just take your time and think through your next steps. Try to be nice and polite because all the yelling and screaming will not be good for your children. Your kids will adjust. And in time .... more time than you ever thought possible, so will your husband. He may sink to the lowest point in his life full of depression and anger and regret that is humanly possible. Alas, only you know what he is in for because he does not see the results of his behavior. Good luck to you my dear. May God forgive your husband for his horrible actions. As a final attempt to salvage your feelings towards him, you may ask him to read my words. My words are truth from an experienced man. He needs to heed my warning. He ultimately will doom himself and his life for a tiny, meaningless and worthless thrill.

I just want you to know,  that nobody can make this decision for you.  I think you know what you need to do and everyone is telling you what you need to do and I agree with them.  My husband went back to the OW 7 times and I kept taking him back.  I kept thinking how many times am I going to have to forgive him,  I am not God!  Just look into your heart and make a decision and whatever it might be stay or go, give it 100%.  Yes I stayed and we are in counseling and I am trying and he is trying,  its not easy but it was my decision.  Good luck and I hope you find happiness!

You are a very patient person. I can't believe you let him have an open relationship. I think you should kick his butt to the curb, and then kick it some more. It is obvious he doesn't respect you or love you. He may still enjoy the sex, and not having to pay child support. The others are right, your girls will learn from your behavior. As long as you are accepting of his behavior, you will be a doormat, and so will they. Please see your pastor, or a church counselor, or get professional help. You and your daughters are worth it. One more thing, how will you feel if he gets aids and passes it on to you or your daughters? I think you need to protect them and yourself. 

I am not a big advocate of divorce, but under certain circumstances it is needed. I think yours is definately a case of needed. I will be praying for you.

Wow.....I know how you feel ! My less than mature husband feels the need to put his/our business on myspace and proudly flaunt his new addition on his pics, however all while still wanting to have control over me and what I am doing. It hurts to feel second and the pain is over bearing ...but based on my own experiences it wont go away even if she does. I had to make a hard decision to eliminate myself from the situation I am no longer holding on to hope and I wont tell you that this lifted all the pain but I will say it started the process...I woke up one day and realized that I will truly never look or feel the same about him...our separation was two very different things to both of us and I used the time to find me again and he used it to find someone else and because of that I felt like I wasn't worth the self changes he could have made but didn't....It literally hurt to my toes when I first accepted what was happening.....no-one could understand why I was so upset because I initiated the separation, but I never thought it would be permeant....but it is and I cant sit here and say it is easy because it is anything but that....however I will say it is easier than looking in the mirror and wondering what the other woman has over me or why he cant see how hard I am trying....I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old he is the only man I have ever been with intimately and the only one I have ever loved.....and the only one who has ever hurt me as well. We have 2 children 10 and 5 one with special needs it isn't easy I live with my sister and wonder when someone is gonna flip the switch so there will be light at the end of my tunnel...but what gets me threw is knowing I tried and knowing I knew when to give up....hang in there but remember you have lost enough without loosing yourself....the road to you is going be long enough without forgetting who you are. No-one is worth that.

Please think about yourself - YOU DESERVE BETTER than to be treated like a doormat! v
AND your girls deserve better too. You should go to counseling if he will go, and he should sleep on the couch until he decides he is staying for good. IF he wont go go with out him - you need to figure out that you dont need someone that treats you like this.
That BIT@& is a worthless human being.!! you have 3 small children and she has a countdown on her facebook!! 
My husband was drawn in by a damsel in distress -
I told him to make a choice he was smart and choose us- YOU CANNOT LET HIM COME AND GO without consequences. After the 3rd time I would have told him 3 strikes buddy! But I know it is hard and when you have small children you feel you cant do it alone.  I hope you have freinds and family to lean on at least - because it is obviously you can not count on him. 
I am praying for you to find the strength to stand up for yourself and demand better.  Good luck!

I've been there too!  It has been years, but it seems like just yesterday when I read your post.  I didn't even love my ex anymore, but held on for religous and financial reasons, thinking I could make it better if I just ______ enough, you fill in the blank, it changed daily.  Luckily for me, he made the choice to end it.  Otherwise, I would've taken him back a million times.  I had No self esteem left. 

It's been 5 years, I've gone from being a stay at home mom for 14 years, to working fulltime (no, I didn't have any training to fall back on).  It's hard, and I miss being there for my kids, but I know I will NEVER take that kind of crap from anyone again!  I'm good alone.  Things are so much better now!

Hang in there, tell him to leave!  If he wants to come back, have a list of things that have to happen first.  Do that NOW, he will try.  Get help for yourself.  See a counselor, and try and build up some self exteem, right now, you don't want him to come with you, this needs to be just for you.  If you can't afford it, find a good friend, talk to a church leader, just not someone who will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Good luck, you deserve better!  And by better, I don't mean another guy!  I mean YOU!!  You deserve a better YOU!

i was in a VERY similar marriage for almost 15 years with my daughter's father. he had sooo many affairs and i always forgave him. two years ago i finally had enough and said i was done. he is now with a different girl and has another child. he is doing the EXACT same thing to her...and trying to drag me into it AGAIN!! he calls me crying, trying to apologize and get me to tell him that i love him again. he will NEVER change!! once a cheater always a cheater. my daughters are 14 and 10. my 14 year old is starting to have boyfriends and is allowing them to treat her like crap. that's what she saw me allow her father to do so she thinks that's how it's supposed to be. do you want your daughter to have her heart broken like you have? let me tell you...i'd rather have a limb cut off than to ever go through the pain i went through with their dad. however, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as seeing the tears drip off of your baby's face from a heartbreak!! especially when there's nothing you can do about it. your husband will not change. he will continue to "try" with you as long as you'll allow him to. there comes a point when you have to do what's best for your kids and not what temporarily makes your heart not hurt (the times he tells you he loves you). it's hard...believe me i know it's hard as hell. but you will thank yourself in the end. it does get easier. especially when you see that your kids are happier without all the turmoil in their lives every day. you'll find that you're happier, too. when your kids grow up, do you want them to say "my mom did everything in her power to make their marriage work before she moved on" or do you want them to see you still crying over him and spending all your time wondering where he is and what he's doing instead of having been the mother they needed?
my heart goes out to you. you're in a tough place. it hurts, i know. my prayers are with you and your girls.
lots of love???

I read your story, is it possible this is revenge for your indiscretions? It sounds like he never truly forgave you. He is cake eating at this point. He will never dump her as long as you go along with what they are doing.

Now  I have been feeling as I have been bending over backwards trying to please him and it bothers me since I have done nothing wrong.  I get his coffee ready in the morning and talk to him before he leaves.  It's been building so when he called me slow this morning I was mad.  We said goodbye and I called him to see where my apology was.  Well he laughed.  I got more upset, started crying saying I ma sick of the way he treats me and it went on and on.  I am a very passionate person and I get very emotional and heated.  He starts yelling saying he's sick of me crying and hangs up on me.  I call him back yelling for him to stop hanging up.  back and forth it went until he toldme he would not answer any of my calls today and would be out with the kids when I got home from work.  He told me before if either one of us had "balls" we would not be together, and that is in my head.  I cannot stop thinking about that and everything that happened and he let happen.  I am not sure if I can get over it.  Sometimes I ask myself if it's all worth it since I am so stressed wondering what he's doing most of the time.  What I want to say is that everything is out of sorts for you the way it was (and still is) for me, but I now believe I deserve better than what I got and you should too.  Why must we feel that we can't cope without a man that treats us like that.  I am at the point that I feel it's not right and not fair.  You will get there, I swear.  I felt horrible in September and didn't beleive anything would make me feel better but I am about 65% and that's great to me.  Don't let him do it to you.  You are an enabler and he will take until you stop allowing it.

Oh my good lord. I think you have a twin out there. ME! All of what you are saying is exactly was had happened to me. All of it. The going back & forth, the depressed feelings he's had, the i told her... All I can say from experience and I please ask you to take this to heart and listen. "He's lying". The back & forth just keeps giving him the comfort of 2 homes, 2 women, his kids, etc. They will continue to use this arrangement to their advantage because they have generally suffered no loss. You have been there throughout all of this over & over again. Why would he change when he can have his cake and eat it too? You are a proud, strong, attractive woman & mother. If he knew what it felt like to lose, then maybe he would do EVERYTHING necessary to save your marriage & to make amends to you for being unfaithful. I have been telling my self for the last 16 months that if I waited he would realize what we had. What I didn't tell myself is why would he have to if i keep giving it out for free? Continuing to not make him responsible for his actions is only enabling the situation to continue. In my case many times it just got worse. He recently told me to not file for divorce and give him more time, that she is not in his life anymore. But yesterday i checked her myspace page & saw that she recently changed her profile photo to one of the 2 of them & her mode set to anxious. Yes she's anxiously awaiting his return, &  for our divorce to come to a close. This is because he is pulling the strings with someone like her, who has no self respect, no dignity, is very easy. Please realize that there is so much more in life to offer. The waiting & back & forth is only prolonging the pain . While nonone wants to experience this situation in our lives we have to look it in the eye, deal with it, and get over it. Especially since there are children involved. Show your girls that you deserve better so as adults they won't accept this behavior. Here to talk if u need to. Take care

Do you have emotional problems? Sorry, I'm trying to understand this concept of cheating. I just don't get it. You are (granted it's a tiny pic) gorgeous. Why in the hell would any guy cheat? I just don't BLEEPING get it. I had good reason to cheat for some 8 years. No sex or hardly any sex at all is the main reason many guys will cheat but I never did. You two seem to have had a healthy sexual relationship. So, it just confuses me.
  As for what to do, listen to the rest of them, not me. They have experience in this area and their advice is sound.

  Really, all of you ladies....and guys here. I just don't get it...to me cheating is incomprehensible.

You are not wrong in thinking he is being selfish. Your husband is thinking only about what he wants instead of what his commitments to you and your children mean in terms of his decisions.
How is it affecting your little girls as he moves in and out? My guess is they are feeling increasingly sad and insecure. While you may think you are modeling commitment to your children, I agree with a previous poster that your girls are getting the message that it is OK to accept this kind of behavior from a man. He is emotionally torturing you and your children. 
Even if he gives up this woman, he will feel he can do it again(and he will) because he's not suffered any real consequences for this ongoing abandonment of his family. If you allow it to continue, you will become increasingly beat down and so will your girls. At some point, you will be so disempowered you will give up thinking you deserve better. I've been there. These guys DO NOT CHANGE. I finally woke up and smelled the coffee and showed my ex the door. And life has been getting better ever since!
An intact family is precious. So, I get that you want to do what you can to preserve yours. But, he doesn't care and the woman he's sleeping with doesn't either. Remember: every time you don't stand up for yourself, you send yourself a message you can't be trusted. I hope you'll find the strength to stand up for yourself and your girls. We're all here rooting for you.  Laurie Hall Moison

Holy Cow!!! You must be a saint! If you had a best friend that told you that this was happening to her what would you tell her? You might say..."why are you still with him?". Her reply "because he still loves me and I love him and for the kids sake we have to keep the family together". That was my response when my wife wanted/did leave me. My life was perfect...she was unhappy. I loved her...she didn't love me. It SUCKS when you are still in love with someone and they don't have the same feelings for you any longer. You don't want to admit that it is over..and you hang on with ever last hope of pulling things back together. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Good one day and bad the next. I have been there and it is no fun. You keep hoping against hope and praying to God that things will get better. I am not saying that things won't get better..they might. You have to take a stand for YOU and the kids. YOU deserve to be with someone that will take care of you and that will ove YOU and only want to be with YOU and not the next best thing that comes along. Will this be hard to realize? This will be the HARDEST thing that you will ever do in your life. Worse than the death of a loved one,10,000 times more painful than childbirth. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I would be "ok" and that life does go on. That there is osmeone out there that could love me and my children. That I do matter to someone else. We were together for 25 years with 2 children 8,13. I hated to think about what would happen to them and how their lives would be. I was AFRAID of the unknown. I cried and begged for her not to go..I told her that I could change and be the person that she needed me to be. I would do ANYTHING to keep her. I NEVER cheated on her, went out with the boys, etc. etc. I was the perfect husband is all aspects (in my mind). She wanted something different and it didn't include me any longer. I was CRUSHED to say the least.. You will know when it is time..stand up for YOU.

WOW! I have been keeping up with the reading since I have the email notification and this is exactly what happened to me. I had gone through hell from September 2008 (when I found out that my husband had been having an affair for two years) He kept coming and going, then we had date night, then it was Christmas time and the guilt really kicked in, he was very depressed and said he wanted to be home. He came back home and we were working it out. We split our cell phones and I had not access to his calls. Then I intercepted a bill in the mail and seen that he called her after New years and everyday after that. Well we got very heated and I was pissed since I wondered how he could disrespect me that way. I thought he had more respectful feelings for me than that. Then my birthday (February) I had a semi breakdown, crying, telling him we shouldmove on since I couldn't take the wondering anymore since his word means nothing. He told me he hadn't spoken to her in several days, well days turned to weeks and everything was wonderful since " we were working it out" . Now the cell phones. There was no reason I couldn't see his calls if he had nothing to hide. We argued over that here and there for several weeks. After Valentines day he decided I could see have access online and also have my phone put back on his account. Well he was hesitant on giving me the password so I used everything I had to obtain it. I got it. Come to find out he spoke to her practically all day on ny birthday and everyday after that up until Valentines Day. That was the last call. Based on the call log, you can tell something happened since she called him non stop for hours and he hung up (1 min calls). He said he ended it and he has absolutely no feelings for her. He leaves the house to work and calls me when he arrives (since the timing shows he made no pit stops) He calls me when he leaves work and then calls me from our home phone when he gets home.  No more roomm, need to repost

He keeps coming back because you allow him. 

I don't mean to be harsh but did you ever think that maybe he came back because she was out of town or Aunt Flo was visiting and he was just horny? 

You need to concentrate on you and your children.  What is best for you and them.  You need to show your girls that they deserve someone that will be with them and not wander away.