Was it a dream? 

I'm trying to start dating now. I'm still married but since my husband has been living with his mistress for 8 months and is expecting a baby with her soon I think I'm allowed a date finally. It's crazy and wierd having been with the "love of my life" for 13 years and having a new baby with him last year. Now all that is gone in a blink of an eye and I have to start all over. Plus, I just got laid off and have to move out of my home in the next few weeks so I'm dealing with a lot of change.

So I'm dating now. I'm totally not interested in a boyfriend but boy does it feel good to have men tell me I'm beautiful, strong, smart, sexy, etc. After being told by my "best friend" that I was mean, nasty, a horrible wife, stupid, negative, etc. I need to hear some good things about myself. Having parents, siblings, family and girlfriends tell you that doesn't count as much as hearing it from a man.

I'm 37 so 1/3 of my life and pretty much all my adult life was spent with one man. Now I'm setting up dates with a 23 year old and a 50 year old (whom I refuse to believe is 50 because he looks 35). What a crazy life I'm leading. I have been a wife for so long that I almost feel like I'm outside my body or someone else setting up these dates and talking with these men.

I refuse to look at pictures of my STBX and now that I realize that he is completely out of his mind I have no interest in talking to him or e-mailing him for any reason whatsoever. If I can go through my attorney I will. I just don't care about the cost anymore. These other men I'm meeting are just highlighting how insane my STBX is to have done what he did and to throw away a beautiful family who loved him like two other people never will. So he's finally becoming a cloudy memory. I'm just amazed to write that and think that.

I've spent 1 year searching for the truth and answers...quite obsessively. I've found as much of the truth on my own as I can get and need. Any additional truth I'll be able to get through my attorney. So now I have no desire to wonder what my husband is doing (we are STILL married! Ugh!), with whom or when. FINALLY, for the months and months I've been told not to waste my thoughts on him because he isn't thinking of me...I'm FINALLY not thinking of him 24/7. Even the thoughts I'm having now aren't as emotionally charged. I'm still not free of him legally, emotionally or any other way...but I'm getting close...thankfully.

There just is no words to express the amount of pain that adulturery, betrayal and cruelty cause, but I am starting to find hours of peace throughout my day. I think a year is a great benchmark. I'm coming up on my 1 year and am thinking I need to go out an celebrate the day as my 1 year anniversary of freedom to go out and have a life...no holds barred. That is a gift I'm going to try to cherish and not waste.

what will next year bring? :)