sdchargers13

I lost my head....and hit the 'send' button - twice.

I don't know what's wrong with me.... I let Valentine's Day intrude on the promise I made to myself to move on and sent my husband-in-hiding two messages via email. They were sad recollections of memories I had of better times and I sent them even though I knew they'd never be answered or even acknowledged.

Alone-ness does strange things to a person....and I feel like I need a keeper to stop me from doing such foolish things. The pain and loneliness, instead of subsiding, seems to grow each day. I have no closure....no tangible answers for why he just disappeared and left me to find my way by myself. I now know where he lives, and who he lives with...and several times I've found myself parked outside his house - hoping to catch just a glimpse of him.

I feel like I have no worth...no value - like I've been kicked to the side for someone who is everything I'm not.

And I'm angry with myself. Angry that I don't have sense enough to pick myself up and get on with my life...and to let the painful memories of years of struggle and lies fall away.

Impossible as it may seem, I wonder if I'm still in love with him....and if so, God help me. I'm a mess on top of a mess, and I would give anything to turn my head off and look to the future with more than doubt and uncertainty.

I feel like this constant sadness is killing me inside...and making me do crazy things - like hitting the 'send' button.

Sigh....

by sdchargers13 128 Posts

Posted on 2/19/2009 10:52 PM

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Tags: closure , alone , sadness , tears ,
broken heart

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Comments for "I lost my head....and hit the 'send' button - twice." (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

I understand a lot of what you're feeling right now. It's not true that you have no value. You're hurting, and this is one of the most painful things a person has to go through. The first time my stbx cheated on me and left me, I did a lot of the same things you're doing. It didn't help, and it just made my torture worse. Take this one day at a time, and try and focus on yourself and your own healing. Don't worry about him - he doesn't deserve it. Hugz

by bear1821 1288 Posts
Posted on 2/20/2009 9:12 AM

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You've been hurt and hurt bad, I can't imagine what it must be like. I was kicked to the curb so I still know where the stbx and all my stuff is. There are a lot of emotions hitting you right now, just keep breathing, they moved on. Now is not the time to dwell on the why, trust me it just leads to sleepness nights. Next time you feel the need to hit the send button, stop and write it all out on paper, then if you still feel the need to hit the send button, fold the paper into an airplane and deliver the message via airmail. Be well, it really will get easier.

by Jamesalone 2778 Posts
Posted on 2/20/2009 1:05 AM

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You do have worth and value, and all of those emotions are normal! You don't just forget it all because they left, it takes time and healing. Robert gave some good advice! Take it easy on yourself... K

by kdb 3175 Posts
Posted on 2/20/2009 12:09 AM

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Hey SD Charger. I do know how you feel. I know what it's like to care for somebody and them to not even acknowledge you. It sucks. And yeah, The best thing to do is step away, but how do you?

At least he's physically left you. It's better than when somebody emotionally leaves, because they're still "there" but not there. That's why ou do need to stop looking. Seeing him won't help. It won't bring closure, it'll only make the pain more intense. It's been a while since you've posted, so I don't remember, do you have friends and family down there? You need to get out more with them. Join groups of people who like to do things you want to do.

Most of all, when you feel bad about wanting him, don't beat yourself up. Your human. YOu had a relationship with the man, it's normal. Accept it and continue. Maybe you should talk to a councelor too. It'll help you get to the heart of your feelings. Sort whether what you feel is love or a fear of loneliness. Once you find the root, you may be able to move on. I wish you the best, and you know I'm here if you need.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 2/19/2009 11:35 PM

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I lost my head....and hit the 'send' button - twice.

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