Read Your Journals 

Many of you have read in my blogs how long I've been staying in my dead marriage, waiting for the right time to leave.  It's going on ten years.  The last of the kids graduates this June, and I should be able to make things happen.  But that's not what this blog is about.

Over the years, whenever the anger and pain have been too much for me to hold in, when I just have to get it out, I've journaled.  I grab my laptop, or my computer at work, or my Palm, and I write.  Consequently, I've had journal entries spread all over the place.  Laptop, desktop, Palm, email, D360 blogs, even some saved chats.  I never really kept track of how much I write.

Well, I decided a couple of weeks ago to consolidate all of my old journal entries, some dating back to 1995, and put them all in one place.  After a week (on and off) of copying and pasting, I think I finally got all of them.  Of course, I'm still adding new entries, but I'm stunned by the sheer volume.  The tally is up to 242 pages!  That's a good-sized novel!  I had no idea how much was actually there.

In searching for and moving all of these journals, of course I have been rereading many of them.  I'd have thought that reading them would make me more angry, stirring up all the old pain.  But it didn't.  Most of the pain stayed on the page.  What I did come away with is more clarity of thought, and greater resolve than ever that this marriage has got to end soon.

It was really a good exercise.  For anyone who journals, like I do, I suggest that you not be afraid to reread your old journals.  If you're like me, it might give you strength to stay focused on your goal of separation.  If you're in the midst of grief and sadness over your separation, it may help to remind you how bad your marriage really was.  And if you've already separated, it may comfort you to see that all that pain is behind you.  You can leave it on the paper, close the book, and walk away from it.

Love and comfort to all of you, my friends.