Another Valentines Day.... 

Friday the 13th....one more long day before Valentines Day rears it's ugly head again.  You'd think by now I'd have found a way to deal with the issue of being alone - a party of one.  But I haven't.  Instead of getting easier it's gotten worse and the pain and loneliness is physically and emotionally overwhelming.  I went to a restaurant by myself for the first time the other day and fell apart...embarrassed by an onslaught of tears that I couldn't control or hide.  So I left as quickly as I could - leaving money for a meal that went untouched on the table so I wouldn't have to face the cashier on my way out.

God...I'm a total mess.  I don't know who I am any more...can't find that inner strength I used to have to help me find my way.  I remember when I was a teenager hearing that people couldn't die of a broken heart.  But as I sit here tonight, listening to the rain and the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard, I have my doubts. 

I feel like I'm losing my mind...and wonder how long I can go through the motions of living like this.

I'm ashamed of myself for giving up... I always thought I was strong - a survivor.  But I'm not strong...and if this is surviving, I'd rather not.