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Letting it roll off

I am nearing the end of the divorce process and have experienced all of the ups, downs, anger, disbelief, resentment, despair, hopelessness and every other emotion imaginable. I have faced my failures and am trying hard to figure out how to improve myself and learn from this...the most traumatic event in my life.

My stbx is a very strong individual who has always gotten what she wants. This divorce is hers because she wanted it...she asked for it and denied me/us the opportunity to save our marriage. She is assertive, and aggressive at times. I was the calming voice in our relationship, and we complimented each other so well. During our voice I took a lot from her because of the love I had for her, but now I don't have to. As hard as it is to let go, I am feeling some type of relief.

So now I am realizing what my role will be going forward. In the past weeks her aggressiveness has come out full force. I never imagined being on the outside of her circle, but I am here now, and I don't get anything rational. I only get told how I am wrong and what her needs are. So I have figured it out, I will be her beating post. She can take all of her anger and aggressive behavior out on me and never look back.

I now have to learn how to let it roll off me and not let it bring me down. For so long if she hurt me, I would try to make it better instead of holding her accountable. Now I just need to learn to not care, and let it roll off. This is probably the greatest challenge to my healing.

I guess I am looking for advice to learn how to let it roll off, keep my chin up and not let it hurt me anymore.

by boxerjo 69 Posts

Posted on 2/13/2009 9:43 AM

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Tags: bad ex , moving forward

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Comments for "Letting it roll off" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

Have you ever read the book, The Four Agreements?Please buy it and read, Read and READ it. Each and every time he says or emails me something stupid and mean, I have to keep reminding myself.....nothing to do with me. I can assure you he has sent a few ugly emails and I fell apart...ie. this past weekend....I was a wreck. I was a BIG wreck, but today, 2/13, I feel ok. I was able to put things in perspective......it has NOTHING to do with me....he is NUTS...lol

by vlady 2123 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 5:23 PM

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Sometimes being the good guy gets you more pain. Stay the good guy but you have to tell her to Get Fk she does not matter any more to you. Even though it hurts and you will want to smooth it over but you know YOU ARE NO ONES BEATING POST!. you are a human being and somtimes in life we have to be mean than keep taking the hurt. People get enjoyment hurting other people. Stay the good guy but do it for some one more deserving. best of luck to you and from what you said you starting to heal. Don't let any one define you as any less than you are.

by Gomezz 732 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 2:39 PM

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Just remember this, everything she is doing at this point is just for her own justification, that means blaming everyone but herself for her actions! you know it takes two to make it work, and both wanting to keep it. So with knowing why she is using you as the beating post, just learn to guard your feelings, don't take the words personally. I know easier said than done, but it will happen. Look at it as if you are spraying a stain guard on your clothing, spray it on your emotions, to repel the unwanted... Take care!

by kdb 3175 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 2:30 PM

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My husband was the one that had the affairs and didn't want to be married any more, so the anger he felt for me caught me by surprise. Why is he angry at me for a divorce he wanted? Is it the money he has to pay me? Has he found that the relationship he "really wanted" isn't quite what he thought it would be?

I limited my communication to e-mail only because of his anger and then I had it in writing for attorney purposes. After twenty-one months we are finally able to speak somewhat normally. He has been much more civil lately and I think that he and his finance's attentions are now being put on her stbx that she is struggling to divorce. I hope their attention stays there because it makes my life much easier.

Let it roll off your shoulders, limit your access to her. I found that the nicer I was the meaner he got so hang on. Taking the high road is the right thing to do especially if you have children.

by mominny 219 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 12:48 PM

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Hi Boxer,

As you know, I do understand. Glad you posted.

You are already starting the process of letting it roll off because you are acknowledging that you need to do this. You have been able to realize who she is and how the relationship has affected you.

Don't let her bring you down when she gets mad at you for not communicating with her the way she wants you to communicate. Step away from being her personal "beating post". You have started to do this so keep staying strong.

It is good to post how you are feeling to the group! Keep doing this because writing your feelings, getting support from people that care about you, and time is part of the process of being able to keep your chin up. :)

by 123 1906 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 9:55 AM

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Dear god, you sound like me. That's me and my wife pretty much also. She's a strong woman, but not aggressive. I've always let her have her way, complete freedom. I've never in 10 years told her no. A few days ago she comes home and says she wants a divorce. I was truly sideblinded by this.
Like you, she doesn't appear to want to save our marriage. So I know how you feel, just that my hell is just beginning.

by BEHaws 657 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2009 9:49 AM

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