My little life! 

So I just got done raking up all my leaves.  It has been a busy week for me.  I met with my lawyer and set things in motion to be done with my divorce by the end of this month.  I also had the house appraised because 1 I need to know the value before I take on the responsibility of it, and 2 I need it to refinance in my name only. 

So while I am raking leaves my mind wonders to all that has happened in the last 4 months.  I realized I wasn't happy before we split that I haven't been happy in quite sometime, while I was raking up my leaves I am happy.  While fixing up my house I am happy.  While walking my dogs I am happy.  I have a few friends.  I lost most when we split.  I have never been a person who needed people around me, or a ton of friends.  I have made myself one real friend and started several friendships that look promising. 

I joined match.com because my sister signed me up and said if I didn't use it she was going to bug me until I couldn't stand it.  You see she did it because I kept saying no one was going to want me, no one will find me attractive.  Well that is not the case and its people just like you and me who are looking for someone.  Oh there are the jerks on there but for the most part just people who like me for one reason or another find it hard to meet people. 

I stopped worrying about my STBX, and if and when he comes back again.  I think he will because he kept pushing the he wants me in his life, and thinks about me everyday during the last meeting.  But I realized I control that.  I gave him that last chance he came over gave me the whole song and dance that I told him he would regret things and he did and he wanted a second chance we spoke for over 5 hrs and 4 days later he was ohh I just did it to make sure I didn't have feelings for you and I don't. So I don't have to worry about the next time he comes back because I simply say no.  Is he out there dating?  I don't know and I can honestly say I don't care. 

I realized I wasn't happy.  He wasn't happy.  So this is the best thing us divorcing because you know what I am going to be better off.  Will he be no, because he is going through something depression I think and he believes the cause is me.  That all his problems drinking which he did before we were together, were caused by me.  He doesn't realize that one thing isn't going to change and that is him.  Do I hate him.  No.  Will I talk to him.  No.  Will I wonder whats going on with him.  Maybe but not to often. 

When I spoke to my attorney and said all I want is my dogs, house, and freedom I meant it.  That is all I want.  My dogs, my house, and my freedom.  I know I have been going through a process.  That everyone goes through something simliar.  I realize that I will get through this, and so will the rest of you.  Because no matter what it is better this way. 

Do you really want to be with someone who has done the things the person in your life has done to you.  Think about it like this if a friend was in your situation and you had all the inside info you do now what advice would you give them?  My mom asked me this question a few weeks ago and it really hit home.  So think about it what would you say. Its hard I know because of your emotions but start to ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself.

You may be at the beginning of this and be at that stage of why, why did he leave me, why wasn't I enough, and why doesn't he love me.  Maybe if I did this or if I had done more of that.  I wish I could save you the pain and heartache of doing this to yourself but you will still do it, I know because I did it to myself.  But know this it will get better it doesn't feel like it now, but it will.  You will get stronger, you will get perspective, and you will get what I like to call my trusty little backbone.  You will get past this because you have already sought out this site to get help, and comfort.  You just need to remind yourself that it gets better and you deserve better. 

Well I did mention the STBX but not like I have before!!!  :)