4 Months 

Well its been 4 months.  I posted blogs before and I went through them and decided enough was enough.  As I read through them I realized they all had a familiar theme my STBX was in each and everyone.  Though I am moving on he is still part of my everyday life because I allow it.  He isn't here but the shadow he has left on my life is still lingering. 

So I deleted all my old blogs.  I know I copied them and saved them on my computer didn't completely obliterate them it will be good to look back at them in 6 months.  Something I realized is my STBX doesn't do anything to me without my participation.  Everytime he has popped back up I am the one who allows it.  I allow him to remain a shadow in my life.  Why I asked myself.

Part of the reason he really did alot of things to hinder my social life and he also did alot of damage to my self-esteem.  I seriously thought no one else would want me and that I would be alone.  I am 34 years old and have a big heart of course someone is going to want me.  But I allowed his parting shots to me tear through my confidence and turn me into someone I hardly recognized these past few months. 

I loved him.  You see I can admit I loved him, I no longer love him how could I with all the things he has said and done.  You don't do the things he has and love someone.  I admit something is wrong with him, and I am not just saying that as the person he left.  I think he is depressed.  He has become a police officer in the past year and half, learned his mom has stage 4 lung cancer, and I caught him chatting to the wife of one of his friends online and on the phone.  You can't leave your mom, and you can't leave a job you have been working towards for years.  But you can leave your wife, because you are having problems.  He is 4 months into divorce living with his mom, and has said he is quite happy going to work, coming home to them, and going out with friends once and awhile.  He has never lived alone I don't think he can do it, he went from the military, to an apartment with a friend, to living with me, to his parents.

Getting my own attorney was the best thing i could have done.  It may not have been necessary but its worth it the sense someone is watching out for my interests.  It is going to be an easy divorce all I want is my dogs, my house, my car, and my freedom.  Thats it he can have his car, the savings he already cleaned out, and his camper.  Talking to the attorney was emotional but I didn't realize it until I spoke with my mom on the phone.  She called to check up on me, and I said I was fine and she paused.  It was a mom pause and she said are you sure getting your own attorney is a final step, and things are happening quickly your divorce will be finalized by the end of the month.  I started to tear up when she said this because I realized yeah it was done, we were done.  Up until this point no matter how much you have moved on, or think you have gotten over this person you realize, wow this is happening.  I sucked it up didn't cry and told her about the meeting.  Once we got off the phone I cried a little I will admit.  It is over, and will be over very quickly. 

I don't know how he feels about it because the last communication we had was about his disability check, and then I told him I will mail anything that comes for him to his parents, and that to please not contact me in the future.  He seems to find some reason all legit to contact me about every few weeks.  But as I said before I control the contact we have not him.  I cancelled the line he has, there is nothing for us to talk about we are over, we have no children.  He wants to be my friend, and have me in his life.  I don't want that, yes were bestfriends but there are things you can say to someone that destroy that friendship and he has said those things.  I think the reality of not having me in his life is starting to hit him.

My time has come.  It is time for me.  The first 2 months I asked my mom about and she was brutally honest and told me I was a wreck, pathetic she actually said not that I was pathetic but I was acting that way. I may not have been crying to him but I did to her over and over again.  I was asking why, why me, why did he leave me.  My mom and sister said it over and over again you will never really know why.  My mom said to me it doesn't really matter because even when he tells you once, he tells you something else the next time.  You are never really going to know but you know one truth, he left.  Yes he flip flopped twice coming back saying he wanted you, loved you and then days later it was no I don't I was just seeing if I felt something.  Don't let him do this to you again she said because he will try it maybe right before things are finalized or right after, because he is that selfish.  Selfish was a word they used often regarding him, and now I realize it was always about him.  Like all my blogs were about him and the things he did and was doing to me. 

So from this point on my blogs will be about me, about how I am dealing with things.  He may get a brief mention but he will not be the focus of my blogs or insights.  Ahh its nice to finally get past the i hate to use the word but obsession.  I no longer worry he is going to find someone else, because I don't really care.  Not in the way I used to because I deserve better than I settled for, and he will be unable to give me what I need and deserve.  I realize that he hadn't been making me happy either for sometime.  You distort the past because you can't believe this happening to  you that this person you trusted and given so much to is leaving you.  You don't realize during the first few months that you weren't happy.  Its kind of like I am coming out of a stage of depression. 

Today was 4 months and I took it easy, I took a long nap, took my dogs to the park, and then I ran to the store to grab some things. Came home did some things around the house.  Then I decided to go through my previous blogs.  Then I deleted them I know it was for me not for any other reason.  In less than a month I will be divorced, free in  my mind.  Freedom is scary, loneliness is scary.  However staying with the person I lived with for 8 years who I saw a very different side of these past 4 months would have been a tragedy.  So this blog is sort of my start over point and I am excited.