dream of her and dream of reunited 

Last night dream started off silly, I was watching a movie and somehow the special effect decided to pick up my chair and swing it around the theater. Silly Then it was her again. We were still broken up. Her friends has came over from oversea to visit her like in the university. However she haven't told them of our breakup yet. We talked and she asked me if we can keep it secret for now. I drove her back to her dorm and we talked, one thing lead to another, she laughed. Haven't seen her laugh like that for a long time. She really haven't been happy. At the end I can feel that she loves me again. We joked around and she wants me to pick her up tomorrow. She still said she mentioned divorce already so we are divorced. But it was her joking. I joked along and told her yes we are divorced and she can do whatever she wants including dating anyone but I will still take care of her. She smiled and hold my hand. Then I woke up. How I wish this is true. But comparing to the dream. I realize more how unhappy she was. She lost her youthful, cheerful side. She is no longer young and I believe she misses that. I wish she can find her youth again in her heart and be happy. If it means leaving me, as long as she can find herself again, even through someone else. I do not want to go back to where we were either. And she has associated sadness and grownup boring life to our married life. I don't think there is anything I can do to change that. I just have to let go and let her experience. That is part of the reason I am not pushing for a decision to separate the house, spitting the finance and filing the divorce. She asked me to do that asap so we could start our new lives. I haven't replied. It will be tough for her to pay me my half of the house. I am still putting money towards our joined account. She has stopped doing any transactions on mine. I have come to the point of accepting her new bf. Past denial but not accept. Don't want to think about it. To be honest she has a pretty bad unfriendly personality. I have doubt the new guy can stand her for long after the fame died down. Unless she is different in front of him. Things like never say sorry no matter what, things like never be like normal girls and tell you she love you in words but still expects you to do the same, high maintenance. Am I setting myself up for taking her back hoping this new relationship of her doesn't workout Am I just giving myself another excuse. I keep telling myself our marriage is over. I am not filing for divorce and split the finance yet because I don't want to think about them. I want to decide when I no longer feel sad so I can make up my mind clearly. I do not know what is the truth anymore. Btw. Yesterday was relatively good day. Only an hour or so feeling sad. It was a busy day. French class. And I went swimming during lunch hour