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I don't recognize him anymore?? 

What I am talking about is the man I have lived with for 24 years who has become someone I no longer know.  He had put on weight thru the years and I spoke of his health and tried to fix healty meals.  I never had a problem with my weight and always took care of myself..just girl stuff.. He had love handles and a stomach...I loved him just the same.  I spoke of joining a gym for he was uncomfortable with his weight.  He finally joined and went occasionally.  I loved him still.  His hair turned gray around the edges..I thought it made him look distinguished.  He would use any shampoo etc. never cleaned a bathroom, did laundry or handle bills, child care or finances.  Look rumpled..had calloused hands..loved it, honestly loved him..on and on...

 

Now here, before me, is a man who goes to the gym daily..eats right..dyes his hair and mustache, cares about his hands and what he wears, uses certain shampoo, wants everything clean, puts nair on his whole body, sprays himself with so much cologne you start coughing.  Takes viagra, goes on trips to places with her..takes pictures etc...is loving life..I do not recognize him..anymore...she has entered his life...and changed him...I don't recognize him...

 

Now, thru the years he has been verbally abusive with me ..sometimes physical..did I love that no! I spoke up, yes, I did..He has said how he will never be that way with her...I have heard him talk to her and he talks with her in a different tone than he does with me. Has told me he will treat her better more everyday than one day he has treated me!  He wishes I would die of cancer...and it won't come soon enough..He says I cannot get any of his retirement because I cannot collect until he retires... he will make sure I am dead before he retires...on and on..do I love him?,  not anymore..will I miss the abuse, no...  She gets a different person...he told me her husband is a bastard!! I  do I know him anymore..no, I do not!  What has he been with me??  I don't know him...

 

 

by Joyful  239 Posts 

Posted on 11/4/2009 4:18 PM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
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Comments for "I don't recognize him anymore??"  (11) (You must be logged in to answer)
She will see him for what he truly is...yes they are just courting...I courted my ex tooo...but when the courting was over...I found out he was a emotional abuser, controlling, hateful, bitter, and a lowdown person.  I would say man but he was still a child, he could dish it out but could not take it...instead of wanting to be healed, he wanted out.  I really feel pity for the woman that he cheated on me with, she thinks everything is perfect...he is laid off and about to lose his car, house and benefits.  I never heard that you can take anything to the grocery store and make payments besides, a check, charge or cash.  I pray that they have a good life together...
by M   142 Posts
Posted on 11/6/2009 2:04 AM
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My ex is really nice to the OW too - always so "concerned" about her and yet left me bleeding and with my front teeth knocked out and wouldn't take me to the doctor/dentist. I truly don't think he will change for this OW permanently. I think once the dust settles and the honeymoon/courting phase is over and he sees how much this OW will cost, it will be over. But by that time it will be too late I think. At least my ex isn't saying hateful things at this point to me and also, he hasn't done a darn thing to make himself more presentable. Still doesn't wear his teeth but "she loves him for that". Well wait till you never get to go to a restaurant or have to eat mac & cheese and ground beef 7 days a week for 9 months and we'll see how much she loves it. It limits lots of things in life, and it is embarrassing ot be out in public with someone who doesn't take care of themself and refuses to "conform to society" and wear his teeth. I understand it was traumatic for my ex, and I understand lots of things, but these OW only tell them what they want to hear so they can get $$ out of them. All sugar daddies is what they expect. The OW in our relationship is doing just that. Milking him for all he is worth and in the end, he will be brokeass and she will move on. So much for her "being there cuz she loves and understands him". Yeah, whatever. She is a money hungry skank just like the OW in your case and your ex is falling for it just like mine did. They can't see it.
by JFox624   149 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2009 12:23 PM
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As Lisa said, he's courting.  He's still the same man, inside.  The proof is the hateful things he says to you.  You are a good person.  You were loving and kind, whether he deserved it or not.  You were true to the person you are.  When he says hurtful things to you, I hope you can do as Lifeinpurgatory suggested, and smile sweetly and tell him that you wish him the best.

If not, smile sweetly and the next time he mentions that OW's husband is a bastard, tell him that you have something in common with her, after all!
by stCheshirecat   302 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 11:21 PM
0



focus on you and what makes you happy.  look ahead not behind.  you deserve it.  give yourself a treat.  do something special... just for you.  you deserve it.  take good care of your self.  let the self destructive people in you past do them selves in.  it is what the are working for anyways.  better days are ahead.  believe it.  good luck to you.
by oldfashionfool   116 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 11:12 PM
1



Take what you know about the new him............with a grain of salt.  People donot change personalities, traits, outlook on life, weaknesses...........overnight.  It just doesnot happen.  Look into my eyes........he is the same guy........he is the same guy!!!!........
 He is enjoying a temporary phase where he can blame his unhappiness on his past, and he is all brand new........for the moment.  Do you think for a moment Bill Clinton was remorsefull?   I never thought so, he was just sooooooo sorry because he got caught with his pants down.  If I were you, I would have a good laugh, as YOU KNOW HIM better than anyone.  The new him, is new for the moment and then as with all of us, we relax our defenses, which lets out our true selves.  Just be so happy that you are free of this fake person.  My wife was perfect in everyway, these days my family and I now realize that she was a fake, insecure as a person which motivated her to unreasonable extremes.  If you were with me right now, I would give you a high 5 !!
by kevinwo   734 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 9:29 PM
0



John Mellencamp describes a mid-life crisis pretty well:

Check it out
Goin' to work on Monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can't tell your best buddy that you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin' with your back to your loved one
This is all that we've learned about happiness

Check it out
Forgot to say hello to my neighbors
Check it out
Sometimes I question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin' about the girls that we've seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls we're still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin' too drunk on Saturdays
Check it out
Playin' football with the kids on Sundays
Check it out
Soarin' with the eagles all week long
And this is all that we've learned about living
This is all that we've learned about living
by Iam   480 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 9:20 PM
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**Sniff** **Sniff**   Smell that?  Smells like mid-life crisis to me.   :)

Hey I do want to say that it's the last paragraph that really hit me.  Do me a favor and don't ever go to his level of saying anything close to what he says to you back to him.  You should look at him with (fake) care and say "I'm so sorry you feel that way, I wish you the best" and walk away.   Let his own words haunt him to his grave.

Take care.  ((hugs))
by lifeinpurgatory   1830 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 7:57 PM
0



HI Joyful -

I understand what you see when you look at him now. He is taking care of himself, grooming, working out, wearing cologne, doing all the things you wish he would have done for you. You accepted him as he was (bully for you, that was the loving choice) it hurts to see him trying... courting another woman. That is what is he doing... courting.

You have known him with all his bumps and wrinkles. His new gal only knows the new man behind the mask. She may yet meet the man you were married to. There are no guarantees for either of them.

He is probably going through a mix of mid life crisis and andropause... and you though only women went through the changes...

At midlife men ( and women too) suddenly realize they are not immortal. That they are not going to live forever. They look at their life and wonder... Where did the time go? What does it all mean? Did I accomplish anything of value? Am I really happy? Who am I anyway? Am I still attractive to the opposite sex? Am I old already?
After looking in the mirror and not liking what they see, they begin the make over... trying to look 25 again... wanting a hot body... a six pack(not beer)... needing to prove they are still virile.. that someone new wants them.

After it all passes, and it sometimes never passes, they eventually settle down at peace with themselves and their aging. Some folks never settle down and become comfortable with themselves. You've seen those gals wearing mini skirts and spikes with their 85 year old wrinkles!! LMAO!

It hurts, but you are better off without the abuse in your life. You say you have always taken care of yourself and never had a weight problem. So when you are ready there will be a long line of men in their own mid life crisis eyeing you!! Enjoy the long looks you will be getting.

If you want to chat, I am here,

Best -
Lisa
by Lisa Cannon   
Posted on 11/4/2009 7:13 PM
1



I remember thinking for years that I wanted to get back to who he was in the first year. You know what? That person never existed. It was an act.
He can't put on that act with you any more since you know who he really is. He HATES himself for who he really is, so he found someone else to deceive. It doesn't matter that you accepted him. He doesn't accept himself.
No one could respect a man like that. I certainly can't respect my x. He doesn't care about me loving him. He still wants respect and that I can't and won't give.
by bluebird   1157 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 6:18 PM
0



Think about when you first got together how was he.  I bet he was exactly the same person with you once you first got together.  Over time he became the person he is now.  He didn't change overnight.  He is playing a part eventually that person will peek back out and show his true colors.  You may not see it but don't stress he is the same man.  I know your thinking he was this way because he was with me.  No not true he was the way he was because its who he is.  Right now things are new and exciting when that wears off he will start to reveal his true self.  But don't worry about it because its not your problem anymore.  He is no longer your problem.  It took me awhile to deal and understand that you will.  I know you are going to dwell on what is it about me that made him, stop thinking along those lines.  You are better than that, and you deserve better than you settled for all those years.
by stperry   169 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 5:36 PM
1



he is probably the same man. people never saw Mr. Hyde in Dr. Jerkel but he was there all the time. and time or circumstances will make him reveal himself eventually. he is playing a role for her and "her bastard" is really himself in your relationship. tell him that.
also,  i don't think he can control when you collect pension benefits. i believe when you are elegible to draw you can file and there is nothing he can do about it. check with your lawyer or the benefit person at his employers.
as for wishing you dead, what a bastard. you gave him your best when he was at his worst and still you loved him. i understand that kind of love but he never will. that thought hurts you and it is meant to since he can't do it physically anymore. laugh at him and see that smug face dissolve. (Mr. Hyde) tell him all the things he can't effect in your life anymore and watch that power control freak bust a blood vessel.
take care of you, pamper yourself and be the best you can be. that will be great revenge.
by ann101   871 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 4:44 PM
0





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