What do you look forward to doing now? 

I really needed to read all of these postings today. I am on the verge of telling my spouse we are REALLY all done. it is nice to know there is happiness and peace to be found. when he is out of the house I am th person I long to be. I sing, I am happy, I laugh with my teens, we hug and show true affection. I want this EVERY day. Thanks for the ray of hope!

I look forward to:
- Far fewer arguments
- More control over my life
- Some peace and quiet
- Picking up the pieces and roaring back
- A big block of time to do what I want and when I want
- Sane, rational spending, better control of what will be left
- A meager budget with a line item called "Savings" and /or "emergency funds"
- Reestablishment of the bonds with my brothers and sisters without anyone objecting
- Being able to sleep 8 hours a day, instead of 5.

It is sad that so many of us have experienced similar treatment from our spouses.  Some of the responses made me laugh.  I couldn't help it.  If you don't laugh about some of this stuff, you'll go crazy!  Beebee, I remember finding the porn he saved on the computer.  I was looking for his music files, trying to figure out how to put some songs on my mp3 player.  Instead I found a folder labeled "stuff".  Yuck.  Even then, I tried to make excuses for him.  Told myself it wasn't that bad, at least it wasn't violent or anything...How sad that so many of us settled for less for so long. 

     BBear, I know that there must be some good guys out there.  Of course, it's kind of like Bigfoot or unicorns...I like to believe they are out there, but until I encounter one...Thank you, everybody, for reminding me of all the good things I have ahead of me.  Sometimes it's hard when D tries to lay a guilt trip on me about how much this is hurting him.

This is a great post.  So much of the time, I have looked at all the things I'm sorry I won't do, when, in reality, I may still do them.  There is a lot more positive than I would have believed possibly just months ago.

I look forward to:
--having a house that's reasonably clean, without the constant messes he made, but expected me to clean.
--spending money on me, instead of him.
--having a clean (or relatively clean) bathroom (just think--ewwww).
--not having the constant emotional upheavals.
--not having to deal with his offender status or worrying about his legal expenses.
--having someone in the house (my daughter) who supports my diet, instead of sabotaging it.
--appreciating that I am a good person and that no matter how hard I tried, I am not responsible for fixing another person's problems.
--peace, blessed peace.
--a TV free house, unless my daughter and I actually want to watch something and not because there had to be noise to hide the things he was doing that he didn't want me to know about.
--cats that are loved and appreciated, instead of screamed at.

Hi Meteor -

What a wonderful idea... hope.

It has been 10 years since my son's Dad and I split.  My life is completely different now than it was.  I am at peace with my soul.  I know who I am.  I have a career I love... helping people and giving back. 

Here is a list of things I don't miss:

~Not having to visit his family and pretend that they liked me while they talked behind my back.
~Not having to allow sex when I was frightened or emotionally blackmailed into it
~Being able to make the kind of meals I enjoy instead of pasta 5 nights a week
~Not having to make homemade sauce all the time
~Being able to enjoy a clean home without him running his finger over the top of the door jam and saying..."You missed a spot!"
~Not being cursed out, yelled at, threatened, locked out in the winter without any coat
~Not having to duck flying objects... or fists
~No more visits to the ER and having to lie to the nurses while they gave me knowing looks
~Not having him ask me to pay him back for dinner for me and my son on Mother's day because he thought," the bill was too high and he didn't think I was worth the money".
~Not having to hear,"We will fight until we die"

I could list lots more of this but overall the point is that after all that has happened I have learned to be grateful to him for all the abuse.  I am who I am today because of the fire I have walked through.  It burned away all the parts of me that needed trimming and left me with my strongest healthiest self.  

Because of my experience I have been given a gift...  being able to help others who are in great pain, see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The way may be long and twisted, but if we walk the path in faith...  we shall find that one day we will step out into the sunshine. 

Keep on taking one step at at time...  dont ever give up...  don't quit.

Best -
Lisa

Great post!!!!  I have been divorced for almost 2 years now and I HAVE been enjoying:

*total and complete freedom from the angry, sad, miserable spouse.

*like everyone has mentioned, Not having to walk on eggshells as soon as I get home from work and the kids get home from school

*being able to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner instead of making a 4 course meal (tortillas, meat, rice, beans, guacamole, salsa, sopapillas, etc) every night!!!! uggggh

*watching anything and everything on TV other than SPORTS!!!

*not having a bright light from the computer screen wake me up at 3am cuz he's watching online porn.....ewwwwww!

*appreciating the fact that I can literally go to bed in the buff and actually SLEEP for 8 hours without someone trying to get a quickie at 1am!!! of course he would get mad and go downstairs and turn on he computer porn

*looking forward to get off of work and going to my stress free home and park my car in the garage and not trying to "escape" to the market or to the gym just so that I could get away from him and his attitude

*and the ultimate thing that I'm enjoying now....watching him struggle to keep his NEW marriage afloat and trying to actually be father of the year with my daughter....which is turning out to blow up in his face everyday.  Sigh....told ya fool!!!

I love being able to cook chicken twice in a month. Never allowed in my house for 21 years. Or casseroles. Or anything I really liked to eat. I only cooked what he wanted (steak, hamburgers, italian beef - nothing else). Boring for 21 years. Now I can let the culinary chef in me come out and my new boyfriend loves it! That's the best part. I can go back to being the me that I lost so many years ago.

I need to add - though- there are days when I am lonely- but I have found friends that help me through it. It is a whole new lifestyle- way of thinking.
No relationship is better than a bad one.

I am NOW enjoying my total freedom. I can doing wth I want when I want to! I can go where I want to go without anyones influence. It is just me and MY kids- that is the way I want it to be- and it will be until they graduate !
WOO HOO! Those of you who aren't there yet but are on your way- Brighter days of freedom are ahead!

wow thats a great question! finally something that actually shows us the brighter side of this whole ordeal. for me the grieving has finally come to an end and im now in a place where i'm starting to enjoy life and look forward to all the things i have planned. i no longer have to live my life on someone else's terms anymore. no more sneaking through wallets,cellphones,his truck etc looking for clues of his infidelities, no more having to listen to him whine about how he doesnt have this and that and having to spend every dime we make trying to pay for "toys" we really couldnt afford, no more being last on someone's list! i have been enjoying my freedom to come and go as i please. i finally have the time and money to go back to school (im enrolled right now) and i get to go back home (he wasnt from there so i didnt want to drag him there for my benefit). i'm actually having so much fun now and finally realize that all of this was so worth it. the heartache has melted away and given way to a new happy place. a place full of hope and inspiration.

you guys just described my wife and i'm sorry but your ex's sound like idiots just like my wife. I put up with the moods and temper for my kids sake an I know I should just leave but don't want to be a weekend dad. I'm glade that you all have the freedom to do those things and more, i've always tried to make my wife feel like a beautiful, wanted, cherished and respected woman but she blamed her infidelity on stress and depression over the influence of bad friends. but still treated me like crap. I feel that you marry your love not your mother, men aren't men if you have to have your wife take care of you in stead of you taking care of her and fulfilling her needs and wants. She should be at the top of your list along with your children if you have any. Good Luck to you all in search of a loving and caring husband, there are a few of us out here unfortunately my love falls on some one who does not care for me as much as i use to care for her.

Everyone here just about covered anything I could possibly say about this.  I am amazed that so many of us have been married to spouses (men or women) who've behaved in ways to make us feel this way when they are no longer in the picture.  Wow!

I am now living without my STBX for 15 months (we just have to sign off on the paperwork, and of course he is dragging his heels because of the finality of it all, even though our relationship as it is now will no longer change) !!  The entire tenor of the home has changed.  My daughter, our animals, and I are all more relaxed and comfortable in our home.  No more walking around on eggshells.  No more waiting to do something - anything!  - because he can't decide whether he would like to join us or have us change our plans to accommodate to his desires.  No more funding his needs just to keep him quiet so that we have peaceful weekends.  My utility bills are less.  My food bills are less.  My eating out and doing things out bills are WAY down (and I have an active, involved 14 year old girl, so what do you think THAT says?). 

I am finally, after years and years, living the life I've always envisioned for myself.  I come and go on my daughter's and my schedules.  We can now openly and joyfully observe our religion and participate fully in religious practice without worrying about disrespect, denigration, or outright arguments about it!  It has been a delightful and completely life changing experience for both of us as we've found our way to practice our religion openly after years of being verbally assaulted when we tried at home.  And he is of our faith, just not someone who practices (and thinks people who practice faith of any kind are fools - no comment from me on that opinion). 

I wouldn't change a thing.  OK, I'd love a bit more financial freedom - who wouldn't?  But other than that, things are really, really great for us.

I can't wait to re-discover who I am.
It's so peaceful not having to walk on eggshells worrying what mood he is in.
Not talking to the back of his head because he is STILL at the computer.
Not being lied to and deceived anymore.
Not having to adhere to his "schedule" anymore.  We can eat dinner at 8 if need be, instead of it being on the table at 6.

My girls laughter all the time now.  It's refreshing.
Staying up late with the girls because we can.
Freedom from his addiction.

 

Well lets see.

Being a chef I can't wait to be able to cook with real ingredients again (simple things like real cream sugar and butter).  Eating seafood again.  Spending lazy afternoons napping with the kids when they want instead of have to get things done on a certain amout of time ( sometime just no way to get all the luandry done in 4 hours )

I am now able to enjoy:

* Taking a nap when needed
* Sitting down and occassionaly  & getting to watch TV when I want to instead of only when he sat down
* Quite moments to myself where I do not have to be up doing something
* Not worrying about how much money is being spent
* Now doing the work is for me and not for someone else.
* Not walking on edge shells trying to please all the time.
* Exploring who I am, what interests I have.
* Living this beautiful life that's out there.

Good lord - you pretty much covered my list.  But I also look forward to being on someones radar.  Hugs.  Kisses that actually mean something. Etc.  But your list is very, very much like mine!!  Having feelings again and being able to be with my son without feeling like an intruder!

Wow, thank you, everybody.  I wanted to ask this question because I knew that the answers would remind me of some other reasons why I am better off alone.  Sjq and halfmagic, I am stunned that you both brought up the "silent treatment".  D does that, too.  I think sometimes that I prefer it when he yells and slams doors.  At least then I know what is going on in his head.  Gemi, you don't need to apologize for being a downer.  I need to remind myself of all I have to look forward to because I have been feeling kind of sad lately.  Today I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things for my Mom.  While I was there, I thought how nice it would be to get some sort of treat for D.  Then I pictured him snarling or ignoring me when I got home.  That brought tears to my eyes.  Standing right there in the bakery section, staring at the cupcakes.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I can crack jokes and say how much I look forward to rearranging the living room, but the truth is that I wish none of this was necessary.

I look forward to not having to call him at certain times of the day.
I look forward to not being accused of having other men in my life.
I look forward to living my life for me and not him.
But most of all I look forward to dating again and being treated like a woman wants and deserves to be treated instead of like a piece of property!
***HUGS***  Jenilyn

Since my heart is heavy today I'll skip over light and cheery. Although it makes a world of difference to be able to give myself permission to plop on a couch and not feel guilty for taking a break, today it's not hoping against all reason that maybe he will finally see the value in trying to save our marriage. Hope against all hope, that's what was killing me most. Now that that fight for a chance is over I know where I stand and that feels safe. (Sorry to be a downer today.)

I love not having to watch sports all the time!No more toothpicks on the couch-on the flooropen cabinet doors- open drawers - No more!No more nasty comments - no more silent treatment!My quiet is my ownEating when I want toI have more closet space!!!

Not having to guess who he is with
Being able to be myself again and not a stepford wife
Being able to flirt and feel sexy again
To say screw you and not feel guilty when talking to him
To not answer any of his phone calls
Not being his mother anymore

I love not having to worry about what kind of mood he will be in or will he talk or is this total silence night. 
I love being able to go without having to ask permission and then having to worry about what will happen when I come home.
I love being able to read a book and not feel guilty
I love not having a tv.
I love not having to second guess what to do so that he won't get angry or upset.
I love being on my own.
I love the fact that I don't have to hear I am stupid, fat or ugly.