Confessions of an Emotional Cheater 

Yes, I will admit it, I cheated emotionally.  I didn't mean to, but it did happen.  It started out very innocently.  I wasn't prepared for what was to come later on.

I was dealing with a husband who was not there for me all of a sudden.  I was not used to being at least acknowledged every once in awhile.  All I wanted was a little attention.  I got it in the form of someone I had known from an onoine forum for a very long time.  He was the one person I always wanted to see when I was online.  I didn't know he felt the same way about me. 

We began talking online through the instant message feature and then it progressed.  He talked me into giving him my phone number.  He called me that night.  I feel for him after the first hello.  That night, I felt like I was on top of the world.  We knew that it wasn't safe to use my cell phone too much, because it would become suspicious.  I looked into buying another one that I could hide, but I really couldn't afford that.  We were broke.  And, my credit was shot.

I talked to him one night and told him he could buy me a phone.  He said he had looked into that and could add me to his plan for 10 dollars a month.  The next day, he told me he had the phone and would mail it to me.  That was the longest week of my life. 

The phone arrived and I called him immediately.  We were on the phone for about 2 hours that day.  The time would just increase as time went on.  We were also still emailing, although not as much.  I snuck around at night after my husband went to bed and talked to him.  I talked to him at work.  I was in a job where I was by myself most of the day.  I was so lonely. 

He told me one night that he loved me.  I told him I loved him, too.  A few weeks later, I wasn't sure what the heck I was doing and I freaked out.  We decided to back off a little.  It hurt, because it felt so good.  And, the phone sex was awesome.  But, I knew in my heart something was not right.  But, I just couldn't let him go.

It came to a head one night.  He and I were on the computer talking.  My husband saw and didn't act like he was concerned.  My husband asked me of I was ready to go eat.  I said yes.  While were at dinner, he hit me with some emails.  He told me the one that got to him the most just simply said, "I love you."  We talked that night and decided to work on our marriage. 

I called my friend the next day and told him what had happened.  We decided for the good of my marriage to quit speaking.  That lasted about a week.  I couldn't stand it anymore and called.  We were back to where we had been.  We went on like this for several more months, but I was more careful.  We rarely spent anytime on the computer together.  We didn't need to since we had the phones.  About 3 months later, we got into a huge fight, over my marriage and our relationship.  We decided to call it quits.  During that time, I made some major life changes.  About 7 weeks into this "separation," I emailed him and told him about the changes I had made that we had discussed.  He told me to call him.  So, the next day, I did.  It was like we had never stopped talking.  Meanwhile, my marriage was getting worse. 

I thought I could handle both relationships.  Besides, I wasn't really cheating.  I wasn't sleeping with my friend.  I still wanted to be married.  In the end, I couldn't handle them both.  It was going to be one relationship or the other.  In the end, I lost them both.

Now, yes, I know many people would say to just leave and get out of my marriage before I decided to cheat.  That's easier said then done.  I had children.  I had no marketable skills to go find a better job.  I had no place to live.  I just wanted someone to give me some affection.  I was getting that from my friend. 

I'm not trying to justify my actions because in the end, I lost it all.  I did it to myself.  I know now looking back that my actions contributed to the breakup of my marriage.  I really just want others to know that when it's happening, you don't believe you are doing anything wrong.  You believe that it can't be bad because it feels so right. 

I expect to get a lot of hate replies. That is okay.  Many people here have been so hurt by affairs.  I don't expect anyone to be sympathetic to my plight.  I just wanted to confess what I did.