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How do you know if you tried hard enough?

After months of stalemate atnd denial, my husband signed the divorce agreement on Monday with very little negotiation. I was literally in shock. After the intensity of the stress and anxiety of the last six months, I felt like I was a rock plummeting over a cliff and crash ... It was done just like that.

I was expecting a fight and almost wonder ... what's up? It seemed to0 easy.

Ever since then I am vascilating from tears of failure and grief to feeling really good and hopeful. It's bizarre. And, all I keep thinking is did I do enough? Did I try hard enough, maybe there's more I could do. Then I think- maybe I tried too hard and stayed too long.

I don't know what to think. To make things worse, he isn't leaving until Feb. 1, so we are still living like a family. I just keep thinking this is the last normal holiday my kids, 13 and 15 will ever have. Maybe I can try harder. Maybe.... Maybe.... But then smash back to reality: My husband is literally screaming at me in the car because I gave him the wrong directions and he had to turn around. What makes this so bad, is not 20 minutes before I just got done dealing with a situation at work where a mom and her child were killed in a pedestrian train wreck. A four and two year old survived, but were in shock and couldn't communicate their last name and we couldn't find their next of kin for several hours. I tried to talk to him about how terrible the situation was...instead of compassion he yells over something so stupid. That's the real him - no compassion for anyone - selfish, selfish man.

Why then do I still wonder can I do more - have I done enough. My head knows that he is responsible for himself and his actions. I mean he blew 80 grand of our money, hasn't worked in two years and has put me in debt to my eyeballs.

Why, then do I feel so bad? I am worrying about where he will live and will he have gas money to see the kids and can he afford to pay the $5,000 credit card that he's getting meanwhile I stuck with a mortgage, a $20,000 school loan and about another $2,000 in bills. I can barely pay the bills and will either have to get a second job or do some free lance work if I can find it. He's not worrying about me or the kids, right?

I can't think straight. All I want to do is cry for my kids. At least he was around to take them places, etc. and was still somewhat of a dad even though his evil meaness rears its ugly head at any given time.

How will I ever feel like I did enough. Why do I even care?

by Carlly 137 Posts

Posted on 10/31/2009 3:03 PM

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Tags: meaness , worry , trying

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Comments for "How do you know if you tried hard enough?" (18) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to post here. Almost everyone of you have given me something whether its validation, empathy or understanding. Your kind words are really helping me make it through.

I recently read a post on this site that talked about how no one of us experience divorce exactly the same. Yet we connect, whether its through our commonalities in situation, in feeling, or in thought.

It is indeed these ties that bind and connect us all is some way to help each other through the pain, overwhelming emotions and in some cases in the joys of moving on and moving forward.

While its terribly sad that divorce is what has made us connect, its still a reminder and testament that there is kindness and goodness in the human condition in a world that is not always kind.

by Carlly 137 Posts
Posted on 11/7/2009 10:48 PM

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Hugs! You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Please forgive yourself. You did what you thought was best. Could you have done more? Possibly. Would it have made a difference? No. It takes two, and if one person if unwilling to put effort into fixing problems in a relationship, it doesn't matter how hard the other person works to save it. I know you are hurting. It will be better.

Instead of thinking that this is the last holiday season for your children as a family, think that the stress of your STBX is probably affecting them in negative ways, too. It may be that next holiday season will be different, but better than you ever imagined it.

by stCheshirecat 301 Posts
Posted on 11/7/2009 12:32 AM

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I worked for a long time, so I know where you are coming from. But, then, I realized it was over way before I gave in the towel.

I know you worry about him, but don't. Be the best mom you can be and let him do what he thinks he needs. At some point in time, he may realize whaty he lost. Or, he may not. Don't worry about that, though. Just live it up and be the best you you can possibly be!

by Dactyl 2606 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 4:57 PM

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Sorry for your pain, many huggs to you.

by Betrayedforaram 451 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 12:02 PM

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I am in a very similar situation, still living together, hanging on to hope when she could care less, 3 boys, worried for them. She cannot leave untol Feb and will probably struggle, I have realized that she wants this, she will still be selfish, so screw her, taking her off the top of the list and putting my kids and myself first, be well
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:20

by Dadof3boys 55 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 11:37 AM

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by Dadof3boys 55 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 11:37 AM

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Dd

Dear Carly,
I know how you are feeling & thinking. I am like you in some ways.....wondering if I tried hard enough to make the marriage work. The difference is that I've been trying now for 10 years....and the longer we try, the harder it is to let go. I did get the courage to leave once. I moved out of state after finding a job 300 miles away......but I worried and 5 months later I came back when I received a job offer at home that I felt I could not refuse. HOW I REGRET THAT DECISION! Now I am back where I was before, living in one room of my house with my formerly abusive husband.....and feeling trapped. Get it done & over with while you can, while you have the energy, and don't look back! My best wishes to you.

M1

by M1 1 Post
Posted on 11/4/2009 10:59 AM

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Carlly, the APA says that divorce is often more traumatic than loss due to death. We understand death is part of life. Divorce always leaves us with unanswered questions. I like where you are though. One smart woman. Soon as you get used to carrying teh pain adn teh doubt, those same "Did I do enough?"questions will become, "Why did I carry him?" and "Why did I cover for him?" or "Why did I enable him?"questions.

At that moment you will truly be on a path toward healing. Kinda like rounding a curve and realizing "Hey I'm not going the wrong way after all."

And one more thing, stop making excuses for him. If he can't step up to the plate and see his kids...well, that just means other things are more important to him. He has other priorities. I sold my blood once to put food on the table for a couple days. Even better, my sons still don't know. It's way past time the boy you married manned up.

by brad 177 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 10:43 AM

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Carlly,

I'm sorry for your pain. As others have said, it is not unusual for you to feel the way you are feeling.

I hope that as time goes on and you can put some distance between this last year and your new life that it also gives you new insights and perspectives into the ways and means of the relationship and how it spiraled. Sometimes it is hard, because to be totally open to what is learned may not put ourselves in the most flattering or positive light (as in, we probably did have a hand in this). But overall, the process is wonderful. Cleansing, healing, and enlightening if you let it be so.

I wish you much luck on your journey, and hope for your personal peace as the pieces fall into place.

by abrenner 60 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 10:10 AM

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i think the spouce who tried and cared did the right thing before the divorce will do good after marriage an its ok to still love ur husband i ahve been sperated for a year an divorce will be final in feb but is ok to still love ur old spouce an i agree did u try hard enough or do enough a paster told me once that if we divoce we didnmt protect our hearts so we can only learn an pray

by spikeb 28 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 10:05 AM

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Carlly, I know how hard it is...for I live with one who's temper can flare and has no compassion for anyone. But, I have been married for 24 years and lived with it for so long it became my norm....now the thought of living wihout that norm..is scary. My piece of mind comes when he is not here..I now realize that. You are strong with your choice and better days will be coming..believe me for they will. Your children will be fine, mine are, they use to say to him, "you need anger management classes". They know how he can be but their norm is changing. You placed something in my in box and I sent a response..read it.and keep in touch. HUGS to you!!

by Joyful 237 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 7:25 AM

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I believe grieving for what your children will go through vs what you wanted to give them (an ideal family life) is one of the hardest parts. It is also very hard to separate the "couple" back into individuals. I worried about my ex even though he didn't worry about us. My children were 14 and 16 when my ordeal reared its ugly head. My daughter will be 18 in about 2 weeks and my son will be 16 next month. You know what? They are doing well. My son still struggles some, but overall is an amazing kid who just misses his dad. My daughter is doing well. I found that I can be enough for my kids. I worried about my ex seeing my kids at first too, then I realized that it is up to him to make sure he has a relationship with them. I struggled with that. I still do sometimes. At times I think about sending him an email asking him to pull his head out of his ass and be a dad before it is too late and he has no relationship with his kids. Then I remember that he isn't going to listen to anything I say anyway...You can be enough for your kids. Living in a less stressful environment can do wonders for them. Hang in there.

by militaryp 2950 Posts
Posted on 11/2/2009 7:30 PM

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What is going to be difficult is the fact that you have to live in the same house for the next several months....in my case, it was 7 months from the day stbxh asked for divorce before he moved out.....it was painful.

Once he is gone, you cannot worry about him....he is an adult and will have to make his own way. Just remind yourself of what he done to your family financially....and that should tell you that you have made the best decision.

At least, that is what worked for me. I have come to find out my stbxh is having a very tough time now both financially and mentally (he is in therapy -he says he is "depressed".) Of course, I feel sorry for what he has to go through....but this is what he wanted...and he is no longer my problem.

Don't second guess yourself....you did what you had to do...keep moving forward.....

by zuki 685 Posts
Posted on 11/2/2009 6:18 PM

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I can't possibly imagine how it feels to have children go through this process. I will say this - I have had the same "how will my ex ever survive without me" thoughts. How will she get a job, how will she pay her own bills, etc. What I learned is that I have absolutely no idea. She is her own person, and so is your ex.

The one big thing I learned (from something you posted to me, oddly enough - smile - ) was that when I took responsibility for my ex during the years of marriage, I was taking, not giving or sharing. I have let that go, and I can't tell you how liberating it is...to allow someone else to be responsibile for themselves. I did have bad feelings, and cried, and doubted my efforts and worth. But it passes. Trust me, if a closet introvert with the social skills of a lump of coal can get through this, you can too.

by condor 22 Posts
Posted on 11/1/2009 1:54 AM

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Carlly, from what you've said, I think the biggest question is did he try hard enough. It doesn't matter how much you try if he doesn't.

by Dil 20 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 9:56 PM

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Take it easy on yourself, as you have been through a difficult period. Keep the kids out of your problems as they need security and love, of course. I just don't know how you are going to make it to Feburary with him in the house. I suggest you really lay low, donot engage him for the kids sake. The best one to raise kids are the parents. Perhaps, I mean, perhaps, you and him can have second thoughts toward your situation. If you did re-unite, the past should never, ever be mentioned again. You can't change the past but you can change the way you view it. It can be regarded as valuable experience. We ask for the impossible and end up with the best possible in any marriage. Communication is the fuel that keeps a family together. You know, most people have trouble communicating, really. If you were to establish that, it would be great, as it is just as hard to divorce as it is to reconcile. I want you two to work on it, if there is a 10% chance, think about it.

Your country will be booming in a few years, 2. I believe that it will be as the mid-fifties. Your debts will vanish, the economy is only going up, I know these things Carley. Don't base this divorce on just debts. Of course, I don't know the story, but all 4 of you are affected by your decision to divorce. At least you have some time to consider things. I think his behavior can be attributed to a need for anti-depressents. Our generation has seen presures that our ancestors never saw. Life has become so complex that we have difficulty defining it even to ourselves.

So did you do enough? Did he? Could more be done.....absolutely, but it takes 2 willing people who have even just a tiny bit of love to pull it off. I so wish I had that chance with my wife.

by kevinwo 732 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 8:53 PM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

Hi Carlly -

You cry because you are grieving. You are greiving for a lot of different reasons: for the loss of your family as you know it, for the loss of your dreams of what life would be like when you first married, for the loss to your kids of the family as they know it now, for the loss of your role as wife.

The good feelings and hope are a natural response to the end of the process. You are over a large portion of the hurdles. You feel relief.

You will come through this eventually. For now give yourself a chance to grieve and feel your feelings.

Feelings are like waves on a beach. They come on strong then fade away, then come back again, then fade away. They ebb and flow like the tide.

The fact that you all still live under one roof and function as a family unit keeps the wound raw. Once he leaves you will have some peace and a chance to heal.

The fretting over whether or not you did enough is because you have kids. You wouldn't feel this way if it was just the two of you. That is the guilt you feel over the fact that your family is breaking apart. Remember, he did it too. You didn't do this alone. Once he is gone and the kids adjust to a more peaceful home your guilt will subside.

I would worry if you felt no guilt... you might not be much of a Mommy without it. All Mommies have a good strong dose of guilt every now and then no matter how old their babies get. Mine is 21 now and I still feel pangs of guilt when he has to suffer consequences for his actions. Ahhh well.... such is motherhood.

This too shall pass.
Best -
Lisa

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 10/31/2009 6:34 PM

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You care because its what we do! I have moved on but I still find myself thinking about him from time to time wondering if he is getting the help he needs. Then I realize its not my problem, and I did try enough and there wasn't much i could do to save things.

We care because we have feelings, I am not saying they don't but I am speaking for us. Do I think my soon to be ex after everything he put me through thinks about me, worries about me. I don't know and I can't worry about it anymore.

You care and worry because its what you have done for that person for sometime. Its probably worse in your case because he is still there in your life in a very visable way. That must be hard I am lucky he is gone, and has been gone but he does like to pop back up every now and again. I think about him but I don't think about him 24/7 because I can't it isn't healthy and it isn't going to change things only make them harder.

by stperry 169 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 6:18 PM

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