V Lady

Anger

I said my good-bye's and yet I find myself here again....(sigh)

Has anyone ever felt anger...I mean, real anger at their ex. I thought I was fine and all of a sudden I hate him. I really, really hate him.

The ex dropped off the boys one morning. I was drinking coffee and was at the window enjoying the day. I could see his long hair, grizzly adams beard and thin frame. No trace of the handsome man I married. I have the pictures as proof that he was someone else at one time. It saddened me to see him this way.

I had a dream a few nights ago. We were lying on our stomachs and he was stroking my hair. He was sad & reminiscing on old times. Things we had done as a couple, places we had visited..memories. I was not angry but very calm in my dream. I remember responding, "this is what you wanted. What's wrong now? Are you not happy?" No response but instead he continued to stroke my hair. What does this mean? Please, I don't want to hear I am regretting it. No I do not.

I woke up angry. Not sure why but I did. I hate him. I hate the fact I wasted my time and love with a man that was selfish and a coward. I can actually admit that should he die I would not shed a tear. I have never met such an ugly soul. I know...this is bad.

My boyfriend was over and I was even more upset at him. Here is the background on Mr. Amazing. He is divorced and has a very amicable relationship with his ex. Very sweet. You want to puke with both them. The ex wife, new boyfriend and boyfriend had coffee together. He is Dutch. Not sure if this is important maybe a culture thing.....

He cannot understand why I do not have a cordial relationship with the ex. In fact should they run into each other he will shake his hand. What the heck?? Seriously, that one I don't get. Shake his hand??? I told him if he is over my house and ex is dropping the boys he is to STAY AWAY from the door. I mean it.

I had to sit him down and explain it all. I still receive UGLY emails from the ex. They are downright condescending. "I am an unfit mother", "If I can't cut the boys nails then I should hand them over to him". "They are OBVIOUSLY watching too much tv." (I don't even have one. I disconnected it 6 months ago when I moved it to a new room and have no connected it back up.) I do not respond. I have become good at finding the DELETE button and tossing out.

Does this affect me? Yes it does. I can feel myself toss and turn during the night. I tend to internalize it at times.

Something my boyfriend told me, "If it had not been for the circumstances of your marriage we would not have met." I love him.

Back to my anger. I know it is not love, I love Mr. Amazing....so what is it?? I thought I was beyond this......

Stressed.

by vlady 2123 Posts

Posted on 10/28/2009 3:55 PM

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Well V I understand the anger I really do. Maybe because I loved my ex and I did every thing in my power to become what she wanted. So I was mad at the fact that she blew it or maybe it was me. I found my self mad just driving home and after that I relized may be I was just mad at my self because I felt like I wasted so much time with some one that could not or would not love me like I loved her. Like you I do not have a cogil relationship with my Ex matter fact she send messages that she is mad at me like I am suppose to care I don't really. When you felt like you gave so much of your self trying to be the person our spouses wanted and couldn't it takes away and make us angry. Well I had to learn it does not matter to me if she is mad (another form of manipulation) I just went on. Like your self I found my self thinking I was in love with another person after the divore but the same happen I findly relized either of them was what I wanted I was paying more attention to the looks and the shape of the butt more than taking care of me. After I got trash again I knew I needed a break just to get over being mad. I got angry but stayed to my self and you know I don't talk to my self as much in the mirror. V your a special lady some can see it just in words and I hope that this new man relizes that your a special lady feel the love from me and the rest of us. Some do not understand and why try to explain :)

by Gomezz 734 Posts
Posted on 11/20/2009 3:31 PM

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oh i have been so angry and it dont help no one. just remember who the better person is. you. i still love my wife but i find myself saying to myself that i hate her to convince myself its true. not good. i loved her once, just rember u loved him once to and even if he changed u should respect him becouse u want respect. even if he dont give it to u. good luck

by benbettor 17 Posts
Posted on 11/18/2009 12:15 AM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

Hi VLady -

Being angry is part of the process. Just because you have felt better in the past doesn't mean you won't get angry again in the future.

I have been apart from my son's Dad for 10 years now and sometimes I still get angry with decisions he makes that impact either my son or myself.

Since we share children I will be involved with him to some extent for the rest of my life. Most of the time we are civil and friend -ly (not friends, but friendly). Every so often something happens that reminds me of how difficult things could get between us.

I no longer feel rage when I get angry with him. That is because I worked hard on my underlying issues so that I wouldn't bring them into my new relationships. I didn't want to sabotage my new relationships with baggage from my old ones.

It is never too late to do recovery work. Timless made some good points in their post regarding old wounds and healing.

If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 11/3/2009 10:09 PM

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V, I think a part of it is the fact that now, you know the difference. You have a far better relationship now with Mr. Amazing than you did with the ex, and you're thinking of wasted time with him. Not all of it was wasted time, he gave you beautiful children. Think of the rest of it this way.....he showed you what you don't want in a partner.

It's alright to be angry, just don't let it eat you up. You live the life you deserve doll.

*Hugs*

by Kitty7470 2621 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 9:08 PM

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hi,
i know what you mean - i think is that you may still be upset
that he is not treating you nice like your boyfriend treats his
ex - :)

don't even think is the L - look at me now for being stupid :)

by aceanita12 282 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 8:56 PM

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by aceanita12 282 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 8:56 PM

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by aceanita12 282 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 8:56 PM

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V, I look at it this way, it helps me because I get angry too...I consider all my past experiences (that includes the ex) make me into the person I am now. I like the person I am now. I like the fact that I can enjoy those "little things" not taking them for granted. I like the fact that even though I feel like I went through pure hell, I came through the fire stronger, knowing that I can survive. I came through it a person with a measure of grace and dignity still. So did you. Yes, I wanted to be that "old couple" celebrating 50 years of marriage surrounded by my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. I usually don't get angry often when I think of that anymore, just a flicker of sadness for what I dreamed vs what is. My boyfriend shook my ex's hand the first time he met him and he greets him in a friendly manner when he sees him. I was like UGH too until I remembered that my ex didn't do anything to my boyfriend. There is no reason for him to not be polite to him. Feels strange but there it is...

by militaryp 2952 Posts
Posted on 11/2/2009 7:45 PM

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well, for me i have hated my ex for years. maybe thats a bad thing,but he just hurt me so much that i cant feel any different..the things that he did to me and does not recognize makes it easier for me to hate him..I have come to the conclusion that he will never admit what he did and i will never know it,but i am learning to cope with the anger and moving on. I can not stand tosee this man in my front yard dropping off my kids. the site of him makes me want to puke. now i am divorced for 8 years but i have finally put it behind me and i am trying to find peace with myself.. I think you are going through a phase which will go away soon. just take care of yourself ok..

miss ya lots

cherbear

by cherbear 5182 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 8:58 AM

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Anger is not good or bad. It's just an emotion.
No one has a right to tell you how to feel. Your emotions are your own. If you hold them in, they will hurt you.
I think of anger as being my way to heal the wound. I cried, which kind of flushed it out, then I got angry, which was like antiseptic. I needed both. Now I'm healing.
Unfortunately, the healing isn't complete. I'm still having cycles of tears and anger. Most of the time I feel pretty good.
I know how you feel about losing all the time. You can't make up that lost time.
You and I think we know that if we had left the ass sooner we would have been better. YOU DON"T KNOW THAT! You might have been in a car accident and ended as a quadripeligic. You might have had meningitis and ended with the mind of a child. You don't know how a choice to leave sooner would have affected your life.
For my part, most of the time I'm feeling pretty good. I still have a lot of days that I want him to burn in hell or better yet, I picture him in a medieval torture chamber. Ha! How's that for anger! It helps me get past it. I know from experience that holding it in, as I have done with past pain, makes it worse.
Get angry, get it out, then go on to enjoy that delicious man of yours!

by bluebird 1157 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 8:10 PM

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I was talking to my boyfriend last night and I was telling him I posted a blog. He is so supportive of me. It was not till that moment that I realized he is not just my lover but my best friend. Something I never had with the ex.

He didn't think I had unresolved issues he thinks it has more to do with the time I wasted with the ex.

I though about it last night. He might be on to something but I think it has to do with the boyfriend being so sweet and kind. The more he gives the more I hate the ex. It feels like a reminder of what a jerk he was. The simple things the boyfriend does....

Last week he dropped of my daughter at her orchestra concert. I was with my younger son and later joined him. It was so nice to sit together. I know it was nothing major but to me it was the nicest thing. On Friday I was sick with strep and he was there to take care of me. The ex would have never bothered.....I am angry at him for being such a jerk and at myself for putting up with him......

Thank you everyone for your imput....one day at a time....

by vlady 2123 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 3:57 PM

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V~I think we all have our time when we truly hate...For me, it was for so so many reasons. I heard my X had went to one of the yearly nascar races a few weeks ago...He was drinking 'crown Royal' straight from the bottle.....My X never drank! He is playing with fire because he comes from a long line of alcholics! My Son who was rhere was so mad....
So I see him now and I think, maybe this is his way of dealing....I dunno.

But he for sure is a stranger wearing my X's skin!

by __STRIKER__ 1399 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 3:55 AM

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Just for the hell of it == There is a good anger. It is called "Rightous Indignation" which brings about change. This type of anger brought civil rights, laws, it put Bernie Madoff in jail, hell sometimes it brings divorce!

But the anger we have towards them.............it's not good, we must loose it or it will harm us more than them. Consider yourself mezmorised!

by kevinwo 734 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 9:02 PM

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It's harder to let go than it is to hang on. We can't change the past but we can change the way we view the past............................ Anger is an emotion that must be controlled or else we ourselves suffer. On saturday if I was in NC, I would be in jail right now. Saturday I was furious and most days, the opposite. I think it's over, when it's over and then it's over and then it's really, over. You just had a bad day, and there are better ones ahead. Our past, even the mistakes, are all considered valuable experience that we can use in the future. Change is the way of life, around my home I threw away all my wifes stuff, thousands of dollars and sold a lot too. The consequences I will face in the future, but I LOVE IT. Perhaps you can make some changes that will give you a new perspective? Grow from all your experience and you become a more capable woman. In this site there are so many young women who have such devastating problems, I think of them and think to myself, that it could be much worse.

You will be ok in time. We all have setbacks from time to time. Just keep yourself together, are you juicing? Shame on you!! I know you stopped. Maybe you never even started!! I may take a trip out there this winter. I am seriously thinking of travelling the coast up to Escondido. How do you like my beard? It is much longer now. I am learning to be a hypnotist so I can mezmorise people like Purg. Seriously, we have to fill our lives with things we enjoy. New memories replace the old ones. We have a long way to go you know. Life is not finished with us yet. You be well!

by kevinwo 734 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 8:19 PM

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Angry is normal. I think you go through phases from being mad, crying and hating. Give yourself sometime and maybe see a therapist to talk to. I know it helps me. I sometimes feel the same way about my ex. But you divorced him for a reason and you have to remember that you need to find happiness within yourself. You have to look at the positive things you now have and not look back at the past. That is over and in the past. You will make mistakes along the way but everyone does. Just tell your kids you love them and make a happy home for them. Kids know the truth whether you talk about it or not.

It is like a healing process and in time, hopefully you will look back and laugh at all of this. But for now let yourself go through the process, because that it what it is. You cannot change your ex, but you can change how you react to certain situations.

by LISADHORNING 66 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 7:42 PM

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Your anger is completely understandable. And I will admit---that I don't think I would shed a tear if the ex dropped dead. In fact, I think I would feel a sense of relief. I know that is my anger talking, but it is how I feel about him now after the horribly cruel things he did to me and the family. And the sad thing is.....he cannot understand why I hate him. WTF?? How anyone can commit such betrayal and then even have to ask why we are mad or angry. Just goes to show that some folks just don't have a clue about life. I can only hope that for both you and I, that the anger will slowly diminish over time as the healing process continues. But in the meantime while waiting for that healing process to get going......I would not mind if he fell dick first into a wood chipper :o) Hang in there vlady......there are others on here that share you turmoil.

by madymom 206 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 7:24 PM

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HI vlady, I think what you are experiencing is a purging of sorts.   Anger must surface to remind you that YOU are holding on to unresolved issues from your marriage.

You see anger can only manifest itself with energy and focus from you.    Your ex's emails and actions only illicit a reaction from you because you invest the energy.

From therapy I learned that anger comes from fear and pain that is deep and unresolved.    Anger is a red flag of sorts.    It calls attention to what's going on inside you.

So to truly understand this delayed stress/anger you have to revisit some old wounds not yet healed and forgive yourself and the forgive your ex in order to let go of this toxic residue.   Think of it as cleaning house.    Examine why you give you ex's comments and behavior power to upset you. Because its a choice (either conscious or unconscious). One you face yourself first and all your fears and pain of the past you can move past this.

Compartmentalizing your life and keeping your new love away from your ex and trying to control a truly uncontrollable situation is just stressing you out more.    Also, being reminded of your unresolved breakup by you new bf's friendly easy relationship with his ex. is merely reminding you of what a healthy breakup is and will soon be yours once you have dealt with the fallout.

Trust me you are not alone in this one.     The stronger you are and harder you work to control and direct the relationship with your ex the more anger will arise.   You'll certainly get there, it just takes everyone time and honest healing.

You'll know you're there when you no longer feel the anger and need to control it.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 4:35 PM

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Well I can understand your anger. You have a very good relationship right now and I would not even sweat your ex. He cannot take your children from you and he is not going to. So smile and enjoy your relationship and your children. Be thankful you are divorced. I still suffer humiliation from my ex and all the upsetting things. I wish I had a relationship with another woman as I truly miss a family and all the fun things that goes along with it.

by gregory1969 225 Posts
Posted on 10/28/2009 4:03 PM

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