Afraid to feel? 

Getting divorced sucks. No two ways about it. My self-esteem issues I have been working on and I realize that I am a good person worthy of another person's affections. I don't have to be someone other than who I am, I am enough.

I have been dating the same guy for almost 8 months now. We actually consider ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend now. That has only been the case for a couple of months now. We see each other every day, we only live about 5 miles from each other. When I first started seeing him, I was attracted to him but I didn't think we would get to this point. I figured we would date casually and that be it. There is a good solid friendship there now. I honestly really, really care for him. I can even say I love him. What I don't know is what kind of love it is. Does that even make sense?

I want to share my thoughts with him. I enjoy spending time with him, I don't care what we are doing, just spending time with him is part of the enjoyment. I enjoy his sense of humor. He gets mine. Does he have faults? Yes, but so do I and I don't think either one of our faults are something the other person can't deal with. We enjoy each other's company.

The feelings I have for this man is something that is slowly growing over time, it is not that "I'm in love with you" exciting feeling that I hear people talk about. We haven't even said the L word to each other. Hell, we are just getting to the endearment stage. We are moving at our own pace. What scares the living crap out of me though is admitting those kinds of feelings to him. He knows I care. He knows that he matters to me. I have told him that and I think my actions show him that, just like his show me the same thing.

Yet, there is this small part of me that holds back. I am afraid. I am afraid to totally let go and let myself feel. He has been hurt in the past, I don't know if he is feeling the same way or maybe his feelings aren't along the same line as mine. I don't know and I am afraid to discuss it at this point. Everyday that goes by though, my feelings for him deepen. If I don't discuss this with him, then I could be setting myself up for big time hurt. Oh, I am not talking marriage, I have come to realize that piece of paper doesn't necessarily mean very much. I am talking about loving someone and having that loved returned. I am talking about letting yourself be vulnerable to another person. I am enjoying the relationship very much, I smile all the time, but it also scares me more than I have been afraid in a long time. It scares me more than it did when I was faced with being alone.

When my ex left, I was afraid to be on my own. I was afraid I wouldn't be enough for my kids. I was afraid I couldn't maintain a home on my own. I was afraid of what I didn't know. I found out that I can be alone. I found out there is a difference between being alone and lonely. I found out that I can do more than I thought I could. I didn't have a choice really. I couldn't stop the divorce. I couldn't make my ex stay. You generally find it in you to survive what you have to. In this relationship though, I have choices. I have the choice to stop it and not risk big time hurt. I have the choice to continue the relationship and see what happens.

I have never been afraid to love before. It must be a byproduct of divorce. Too love deeply gives that person the ability to hurt you, gives that person the ability to affect your happiness. It gives that person some control over your life. I wonder if I am strong enough to risk it. I know I have it in me to love again but do I have it in me to lose again? I just don't know. That is what scares me the most I think.