If it kills him to hurt me, then isn't that love? 

Is it love?  People love what is familiar even if it isn't healthy. Kids love parents who abuse them, right?  It doesn't matter what he calls it, you aren't the one for him.
I agree with Kevinwo.  Instead of letting this divorce/separation/disaster control you, what if you made a decision that you were going to control it?  The first thing that I'd say was, "This is harming my kids. How can I behave differently to minimize the damage to them and help them through it?"  When I made the decision to quit focusing on my own pain (except when in therapy and over drinks or coffee with girlfriends) it really freed me.  The next thing I would ask is, "What do I want out of life? How do I want to be loved and treated?"  It's probably not whatever whatshisname is doing for you. 
Be strong. You can get through this and you are going to be so, so much stronger, wiser and happier for it.  Hang in there.

I understand what you are going through, been there done  that.  However I know of a situation right now, someone close to me, that is on the other side.  He has been staying with this girl for some time now and hasn't been "happy"  he does care about her and doesn't want to hurt her because
they have been together for a long time.  However, he realizes that staying with her because of feeling sorry for her is not doing her any good nor him.  He isn't cheating but has come to the conclusion that he needs to make himself happy.  You can't live life not being happy, it's not fair.  I am close with both of these people and am hurting for both of them, and he hasn't even broke it off yet!  I stayed in a relationship for years "for my son", and I wish I had never done that it only hurt him more being in a home where his mom and dad were not happy.  For yourself, as someone else I believe has said here, take care of yourself and your children, maybe counseling for all of you wouldn't hurt.  It always helped me, and my son.  You will get through this, don't keep running to him for answers find them yourself.  You are worth it and don't ever forget that.  I hope this helps somehow.  

Peace,

I don't know if this is love or not.  Only you can decide that for yourself.  It's all in how YOU perceive it.  My opinion is that love does hurt.  As far as being a friend to someone who hurts you (me) so deeply is not an option.  That sounds like an enemy.  I don't believe in the "love you but not in love with you" partnership, especially between husband and wife but some have said this is true! 

You must come to some conclusions for yourself.  It's tough but you have to do it for your mental stability.  You can go on forever wanting and never having.  You have to realize that maybe he is confused!  Is it your job to unscramble is puzzle?  That would take more out of you than more for you!  Maybe it is an addiction!  Is it your duty to detoxify him?  Maybe it is another woman!  Is it up to you to compete for his affection/attention?

Nothing you will/can do will cause him to change.  This change will only come if it's what he wants and I hope that it will be too late for him.  There is a silver lining around your cloud 9, therefore you have nothing to lose but your sanity if you continue to try to figure him out.  Figure yourself out and the future of you children, that's what's important!  Isn't that love????

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think that is more guilt on his part than love, that is why he calls you his friend. I think it is his guilt that is killing him,, because he knows you love him and are hurting yet he "hasn't found love for you yet".  He doesn't want to be the bad guy and just be gone all at one shot, so he'll be your "friend". If he has told you he has lied to you about his feelings, and is now giving up, then as hard as it may be, you have to accept that and move on.  If you and the kids are hurting so bad, and he knows it and that doesn't touch his heart, then you need to move on from that.  Concentrate on making life well for yourself and the kids, it is painful and not easy to do, but it is possible.  If he is genuinely confused, then maybe some time away from any contact with you (save for strictly sharing info. on the kids) , will make him miss you, and set his feelings for you straight.  Don't keep on after a man that does not know what he wants, or be too available that it makes it easy for him to take you for granted and continue being "confused".  This will only cause you more pain in the long run, I know this from personal experience,  I feel your pain.

Let's say for argument's sake that it is love.  But let's stop focusing on him and what he's up to. What about you? Don't you deserve to be with someone who can love you better than that?  Treat you better?  Who doesn't have one foot out the door?  You deserve better than what he's giving you. Have you considered focusing on that?
Diana Mercer, co-author, Your Divorce Advisor (Simon & Schuster 2001), http://www.peace-talks.com

I agree with what some have said, yes he probably does love you, but not enough.  Not enough to get over what is bothering him.  There is something in this picture that you are not seeing.  Could be another woman, an addiction problem, maybe he thinks he's gay, I don't know.  Whatever it is, he knows that it will keep you apart, and he's not willing to give it up.  Yes, he loves you, but it's not worth giving up what will tear you apart.  I hope that wasn't too blunt, sorry if it was.

I would say he does love you but it sounds like he has other issues as well. I am not sure how far you are into the process- but take a deep breathe and wait.
See what happens. Give him some space- in other words talk about the kids - but don't say a whole lot about your relationship etc. After a while- ask about counseling. See if he would be up for that.
Sometimes we just have to let things go. Who knows what will happen? Maybe he will come to his senses before it is too late.
Hugs...been there too!

Yes, in all likelihood it's love, but I know from having been in his position that it's possible to love and care for someone, yet not feel that life-partner/passionate kind of love we all hope for.  I will always love my ex-husband in one way because he was a good man and a good father, gave me two beautiful sons.  Yet I moved through our years together with a dull ache - something critical was always missing between us; that emotional/spiritual connection that leaves no doubt in your mind you're with the person meant for you.  I tried to make my marriage work for over a quarter of a century because we did have some love (and children) between us, but it took me that long to realize I was never going to be truly fulfilled with him in the way I desired.  If he was honest with himself, I think he would know this is true for him, too.  In my own situation, I decided that "till death do us part" is a lovely ideal, but no commitment should force us into a life unhappy and unfulfilled.

Yes, in all likelihood it's love, but I know from having been in his position that it's possible to love and care for someone, yet not feel that life-partner/passionate kind of love we all hope for.  I will always love my ex-husband in one way because he was a good man and a good father, gave me two beautiful sons.  Yet I moved through our years together with a dull ache - something critical was always missing between us; that emotional/spiritual connection that leaves no doubt in your mind you're with the person meant for you.  I tried to make my marriage work for over a quarter of a century because we did have some love (and children) between us, but it took me that long to realize I was never going to be truly fulfilled with him in the way I desired.  If he was honest with himself, I think he would know this is true for him, too.  In my own situation, I decided that "till death do us part" is a lovely ideal, but no commitment should force us into a life unhappy and unfulfilled.

The way we handle our problems define who we are, so act wisely.  The difficulties you face will strengthen your mind as labour does the body.  Also, success is never a result, but a goal.

Your husband has lost his identity, perhaps he needs medication like anti-depressants?  He is unsure of his feelings and no doubt many other things.  It is time for you to now be the strong one.  You must see an attorney to secure your future enrichment.  DO IT, it is important.  Don't trash your guy to your kids, as they come to their own conclusions in time.  Your kids need love, security and excitement to prosper.  You need to be happy and stable as a mother who works.  Keep yourself healthy, busy and focus on positive things daily.  I believe you only know a fraction of the story concerning your guy.  Be prepared for a difficult time for a while.  Remember to, that it is just as hard to reconcile as it is to divorce.

Keep your chin up, never give up and stand your ground.  I have 3 grown sons I can brag about all day, and I want you to have that joy as well.  It would be a good idea for you to get anti-depressants as they are non-addicting and will stablize your mood.  It's so hard, but you must keep things together for the sake of your family.  This is a bump in the road when we consider the years we live to maturity.  When problems arise, contain them, don't make them bigger.  Sadly change is the law of life, so we must change.  I am with you on this, feel free to write me if you wish.  My experience of divorce has made me a more empathetic person, especially for young mothers as yourself.  You keep your chin up, be strong, be well.