R.I.P Dad (10/29/1942 - 11/04/2007 ~ LBJ) 

Dad (LBJ) 10/29/1942 TO 11/04/2007. I never really dealt with my dad’s death even though he died in 2007. I have not let myself feel the lost in fear it would be to much for me to handle and that will take away from what I need to give to like J and others. I have been kind of storing away the whole thing. I really suck at letting those I love go. I never could find any peace in saying good bye and letting love ones go. It’s funny in an odd kind of way. I spent years working in the hospitals and hospice environments. I have seen hundreds die including kids. It always hit me when they would die, but I was always able to emotionally shake it of and move on. I can’t do that with someone I love. Hell, I can’t even greave over them. About two weeks before dad died, his brother died and a few years before that, dad’s sister died. In a few years I lost the only people I ever knew as aunt, uncle, and dad. Every single one had suffer long term before death released them of their pain. All the memories I have of them growing up over the years of my childhood. Memories of dad are the strongest one. Not a single day goes by without memories of him flooding my head and sadly enough, memories of how he suffered also flood my head. I recall the last time I saw dad alive. I flew out to his and mom’s tiny one bedroom senior citizen apartment and spent time visiting. My visited was more for time with dad than mom. I knew in my heart then that that was going to be my last time with him. Last time I would see him or talk to him. I knew right, it was. I had made him a video tape of me talking to him. Told him how I really felt about him and his impact upon my life and how who he is will always reflect upon my daughter in a positive light. I also apologized to him for the foolish mistakes I made that caused him such grief over the years. The tape was meant for him to watch after I left the final time, but dad and I watched it together instead. Dad was never a high emotional person. You knew he loved you without him ever needing to say a word. Dad understood what I have come to understand. You don’t say you love someone to express your love for them, you live for them and those actions express all the love you have for them. Your actions of love speak so much more clearly than any word you could ever say. I knew dad loved me. He was always there giving of himself when he didn’t have to. After we watched my good bye tape to dad, dad broke down and cried. I was like dad, I rarely told dad that I loved him, I let my actions do that. My tape said it instead for a change and it took him for a ride. Right as I went to leave him this last time, dad asked me for one favor. Dad never asked anything from anyone ever, so it got my attention. Dad asked me to take care of mom after he is gone. He was worried about mom. How typical of dad. Always thinking of those he loved way before himself. The man was not self center by any means. I promised him that I would take care of mom and he need not to worry. After all, I model myself after him. If I turn out anywhere close to being like him, ye, mom would be just fine. I gave dad a huge hug, told him I loved him and got in the cab to the airport. Last time I saw dad. The next day I got a call at work from mom, “He’s dead.” I thought I was going to pass out. Mom was meaning dad’s brother (my uncle) has just died, not dad himself. I blocked that out. I was at work and I couldn’t deal with it there or anywhere it turns out. Two weeks later my wife and I where fighting in the garage. Well, she was yelling at me and I was being my typical pussy of a man and doing the yes dear thing. Anyways, my cell rang and one of my brothers was on the phone. Told me dad was dead. He has taken his last breath. The world just went dark in my eyes and fell apart. Dad was dead. His suffering was over, but so was all those days of us listen to country music, looking at old cars, going fishing, and so many more things. There was to be no more memories of time with dad. 27 years of my adoptive mom’s 2nd husband being the only dad I have ever had, gone. This man who just happen to show up in my life when I was 8 and stood up to be my dad when he had no obligations to, gone. Everything with dad, gone. Memories are left, but they bring no comfort. They flood my head everyday to haunt me of something, someone I can never get back. Memories that are more like torture to me than peace. Now I am raising a beautiful 3 year girl who doesn’t know her grandfather. Doesn’t remember the few times he held her in his arms and saw heaven. J will never know dad. She got screwed out of knowing this great man. At dad’s funeral, I asked dad for help. Help me to be the dad to J as he was dad to me. Let my parenting reflect my dad’s parenting. I’m not sure it’s working out this way. I’m trying so hard to be a good dad to J, but I’m not dad. I can never be as good as dad was. Ye, I got issues outside just a marriage that fell apart and a wife long lost to other things. My marriage just hid my issues away and now that my marriage is in a shit hole of hell, my other issues are now being put in my face to deal with. Welcome to life. My life and everyone else’s life. I live this nightmare with so many others here. I’m trying. For the sake of J, for the love of dad, I’m trying. Dad (LBJ) 10/29/1942 TO 11/04/2007. It feels like I have fucked up my life and failed my dad. I hope he knows I’m sorry. I tried, but failed. I’m sorry. ((( R.I.P Dad. )))

…My mom is dieing. She hides the details and refuses to talk about it, but she has let me know she has something that is slowly killing her and she refuses to treat it. My next hell will be loosing her sometime in the very short future. I suck at being me. I’m just going to get worse as I loose those who have always held me up. When I have the balls I should already have like a real man, I need make a good by tape to mom and J. Mom deserves the tape (like dad did) and J will come to need the tape as I will leave her life in time.

Love you dad. Miss you more everyday. ~ Chris

(You’re nothing without your family. At least I’m not.)