Confessions of a passive panzy 

YYYYYYIKES!  That is a mess!  I applaud you for standing up for yourself and your children but doing it in a calm, collected way that will actually get you some good results. Sounds like your wife lost a very good mate when she chose to hurt you.  Good luck, and hang in there.

Hi BnH -

Are you and the kids in counseling?  Does your son's school counselor or school psychologist know what is going on?  They are bound by privacy laws which does not permit them to talk about your situation or create gossip.  Maybe they can help your son.  If your son's school doesn't have some sort of counseling service available I hope you are taking care of this in some way yourself.

Please don't let it go.  You and your kids really do need the help.  Let me know, okay?

Thank you all for your comments and help.  Lisa you are correct in thinking the stress on me is incredible.  However, neither of them seem to really care.  Imagine that?  I am really concerned about my younger two children.  My son who is 9 has been acting out in school and I instantly think it's because of our problems.  My youngest daughter is very close with her mother.  They are basically connected at the hip which is something I always really liked.  She has been coming to my house per our parenting schedule and been doing ok.  It's really hard though when she wants to call her mother and due to her boyfriend, can't get a hold of her.

Now today to add more drama to the situation, she tells me that I am trying to destroy by what I did yesterday and that her reputation is ruined in this town and she is going to move.  She knows that the court will never allow her to take the little kids and I don't want to leave this area so she is putting me on a guilt trip that I am using the children as a tool to make her suffer.  I refuse to uproot our children from their friends, schools, grandparents, and home.  I told her this morning that once again she is only doing what she thinks is right for her.  I admit that in this small town people love drama and this is a great story, even though it's still just a rumor, but I will never understand her thought processes.

Thanks again to everyone.  I really do feel isolated sometimes and think that what I am feeling is somehow strange or uncommon.  Having so many of you help me through this is really a godsend.

Thanks.

Hi BummednHurt -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. 

I am concerned about you.  It seems that you are caught between a rock and a hard place.  Your wife is having an affair with her boss and you work at the same office.  That has to be incredibly difficult for you...  to see them at work everyday and all three of you complicit in not telling anyone?

Then at home your kids are angry with her...  understandably so.  They are all showing signs of stress in their own ways.  The oldest one not wanting to have anything to do with her, the younger ones unable to process their feelings and frightened.  

The overall stress of the situation must be unbearable.  The fact that you aren't externally expressing your anger is not important.  Not all people express their emotions the same way. 

I am concerned, however, that you are internalizing all your feelings and eating yourself up on the inside.  Unexpressed emotions can have physical consequences if left alone to fester for long periods of time. 

You need an outlet.  A safe place to express and experience your feelings.  My guess is that you are afraid that if you allow your anger out that it will consume you and you may never be able to rein it in again.  Let me say that will not happen.  If you allow yourself to feel, you will be able to grieve and get past the hurt and pain and move on in a healthy manner.  You can do that with the guidance of a counselor.

Additionally, your kids need counseling.  They too need a safe place to vent their anger and resentments.  Their lives were trashed and they had no input in the outcome at all.  They need help to process their emotions.  All three of them need counseling, asap.

I applaud you for trying to save your relationship the first time around.  You have done the right thing and given all you could.  Now is the time to let it go and learn self care.  

If you want to chat, I am here...

Best - 
Lisa

Yeah, it's illegal if you weren't a party to the conversation and disclosing anything from an illegal wiretap is a felony.

However, considering it was your home phone it's highly doubtful the police will get involved in a affair/divorce/civil issue if either of them gets a hair up ther butt enough to try to file a report.

Personally, if I were you, when you are at home alone with your wife I'd pull out your tape and play it for her (make sure you have a 2nd copy well hidden somewhere, as she will try to find it and destroy it) as well as your terms for divorce that she will have to coply with if she doesn't want her lover's boss or wife finding out.

 

It doesn't take an irate rant to get it across that you mean business...sometimes cold and emotionless can be a lot more intimidating.

The hard proof is a phone conversation recorded on my home phone when I was still at work.  I really am not sure if I broke the law so that's a concern.  I really don't think they would deny it but the last time it was hell before they actually admitted to it.

He did tell his wife about it also, I could pull her into the mix.  But when it comes down to it, the wife and I live in a small community and need our jobs for our children.  He is her boss so the big boss is going to worry about a sexual harassment lawsuit.  I know he did the first time around.

Good for you.

I have a question though - do you have actual hard proof of this ongoing affair, other than her confession and the busted up trac phones? I mean something that could prove, to his boss if it comes to it, that they are involved?

reason I ask is that I'm a bit concerned about his comment "I'm going to take care of this"....I'd hate to see him mess with YOUR employment, make it seem like you are harassing him and causing problems - jeapordizing your position...

I think what you did was totally justifiable!   Why don't you tell his boss what's going on too?  I don't know who has a better job standing with the company, but if it's you, you should talk to your boss and say that you love working with this company, you don't want to leave but you feel you don't have a choice.  When they ask why you're debating on leaving, tell them.

Hopefully they both get the boot from their jobs.   I can't believe she had the audacilty to get mad at you for doing that.  Don't say/do anything that will leave you in hot water.  Assume every conversation will be replayed in court from here out.  That doesn't mean you can't express your feelings toward her or him, just no threats of violence, etc. 

When she said she couldn't believe you did that there at the job, you should have said (right in front of both of them) that you can't believe she ruined a marriage and broke up a family for an affair. 

You don't have an enviable position.  I hope you and your kids can move on from this to a better future.  Take care.

Well let me update what I just did.  Probably not the smartest thing ever and it will cause problems.  After the first affair I mentioned we did MC and one of the sessions was to bring in something that symbolized the affair.  Well it was really obvious what that was, he had bought her 2 trac phones so they could communicate under the radar.  Well during the session I destroyed them with a hammer to symbolize destroying the affair.  The jumbled pile of plastic and electronics was a prized possession of mine.  I kept it close to me here at work, it really reminded me that she was trying to put things back together and make things work.

Well the OM happened to be in town today and I had seen them alone in her office so I'm not sure what made me think of it but I got the sack of parts and took it into him.  I told him I wanted to have this, it meant so much too me at one time but now obviously you found a way to put the pieces back together again.  Her mouth dropped to the floor and he became somewhat belligerent and said something like why are you doing this here.  I am going to take care of this.

Well I well tell you that I wasn't loud, nor did I make a scene.  I was calm and spoke in a normal voice.  The STBX called me the dumbest dipshit in the world and left the building.  Not sure it was the correct thing to do and I am not feeling great satisfaction.

Yea, or nay?

Spaz is the one here with the cool calm head. 
For me before I looked for another job, lost my seniority, and vacation days. I would let his boss know what is going on. Let her have to uproot her life with finding a new job. She made this mess let her suffer the consequences of her choice. You are dealing with enough without having to deal with a new job, also.

Your kids are too young to speak for themselves - so you need to speak for them. You need to be the responsible parent in this entire situation and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a rotten "wife" and a less than stellar mother. Selfish comes to mind.

I seriously suggest you start looking for new employment so you don't have to be around the two of them and a very good divorce attorney. Unfortunately, Colorado is a no fault state so you can't divorce her on the grounds of adultery - but you can use the fact to your advantage threatening to expose them publicly if she doesn't comply with your choices in the settlement.  

Make sure that in your initial filing you have a clause prohibiting her from having your minor children around any man they are not related to.

Anger is not a bad emotion. It's just an emotion. Use it to heal the wound she inflicted. Tell her how you feel about what she has done. She has destroyed your family at the risk of her job for someone who probably sees her as a piece of ass.

Let the anger out and then you can let it go.

Tell her once how you truely feel to get it off your chest and then shed her in a new york second without looking back.....