The Movie in My Head -Destruction of the Mind and Soul 

This is my movie of memories playing in my head.

Being pushed on the beach in front of everyone and my kids because I took an early morning walk alone...Being yelled at across the soccer field as I was talking to friends....him throwing a shoe across the aisle in front on my son and sales lady and the embarrassment I felt ...him pushing a cart into a lady because he couldn't be patient...Yelling at my son and throwing a shoe at him while on a walk at a local park...Denigrating my parents in verbal attempts to hurt me...calling me a middle aged cow in front of his friends.  I was 36 and a size 8 and in good shape...him pushing my son up the steps and banging his head off the wall.  Him pushing me in the bathroom.

Taking my son to the emergency room because he wanted to kill his dad and himself.  Sitting in a bare white room for hours with a security guard outside waiting to have him evaluated ...seeing the fear and witnessing the anger when my son realized he was going to have to stay... My husband blaming me for putting him there.  My daughter calling me and texting me nearly everyday at work telling me crazy things her dad was saying to her and begging me to help her.  Him digging in her purse everyday accusing her of being a liar and a rotten kid.  Him ordering the kids around and when they don't jump, yelling and screaming at them telling them how horrible they are...my son telling me mom come here.  My daughter is sitting against the wall in the dining room crying, why does he make me feel like I am worthless. 

My daughter hiding from him in the bathroom crying to get away from him...forging my name on a rental agreement for his office...a teacher reminding me that he once made me cry in a parent-teacher meeting.  I didn't even remember til she said something about it.  Oh my, God this happens with such regularity, I don't remember...the millions of times he's yelled inappropriately at the kids sporting events...always telling my daughter how terrible she played or what she did wrong while always praising my son.  (ironically, she's the athlete)

Spending over $80,000 of our life savings mostly behind my back on his business....refusing to get any job for nearly two years... putting me in debt and with all the pressure to care for my family in every way...

Always yelling at me when my friend would call on the phone.  Forcing me to sit and listen to him talk while I wasn't even supposed to leave the house when the kids were little.  My therapist 10 years ago telling me my relationship was toxic.  Sleepless nights to the point of being sick and laying in the doctor's office resting and crying from sheer mental and emotional exhaustion. Depression.  Depression.  It won't go away.

Spending family Christmases with his brother and nieces family for years without him.  He's estranged from his brothers.  Lying

to me about his age.  Lying to me that he's looking for a job.  Deception.

The countless times he denigrated me and women in general.

Then come the periods of niceness and the act and promise that everything will be normal and we will be a happy family.

My son hiding behind his bed.  My son refusing to speak to therapists.  My son calling his dad a deadbeat right to his face.  My son trying to protect me and hugging me.  Mom it's o.k.

Him not caring if we lose the house.  Him yelling saying the kids will feel guilty for the rest of their lives because they are part of the divorce.  He saying he will make sure they are aware.  (in the divorce filing, one of the grounds is undue treatment of the kids)  therfore in his mind, I drug them into this. 

Me... the fixer... keeps on trying and trying and believing it will get better.  Over and over again and over again.  Over and over again.

Allowing fear at ever point of my life stop me.  Foolish, foolish woman I am.  I look back and see nothing but pain...Looking ahead there is nothing but hurt, pain and financial stress.

He will fight me to the end.  Here's praying I will survive and not let him destroy me.  It's so close.