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I've met someone...and I'm terrified!

My divorce will be final at the end of this month. Through this whole process I had been hoping that my stbx would wake up one morning, realize what a huge mistake he has made, kick the skank to the curb and come back to me begging for forgiveness.

I've forgiven him. The skank, not so much. I need to, I know. About a month ago I finally came to terms with my situation. I haven't been happier. That's when it happened. I've met someone. He's amazing. He's asked me out. I told him I don't feel comfortable until the divorce is final. He's very understanding. We talk every day. He asks me how I'm doing. He asks about my girls. I ask about his.

I'm terrified. This man is paying attention to me. He has given me more consideration in the last 2 weeks than my husband has in the last 4 years!

I guess the reason I am blogging this is to let you know even when you doubt you will ever get over what you're going through, you will. I'm not saying it takes another person, because in my case it didn't. It happened before but that's when I met someone. When I finally had accepted my fate and moved on.

It's terrifying. It's exciting. It may be too soon. Maybe. But who cares? We've talked about it being a rebound and what that might mean. The point is we talk. We discuss things. We communicate. He is going through the same emotions I am. We are two wounded souls that found each other in this crazy, mixed up world.

I'm going to trust that God will see me through this. I will continue my counseling. And I will continue to see what this whole new world has in store for me. I never dreamed this was possible. After 22 years of mediocre, there is a possibility of something greater.

I've talked to some of the people on here that have been through this process. They've given me great advice. I trust them.

I'm sure I will still have issues. We've discussed that as well. He's awesome. I can't believe I was this lucky. He more than likely isn't THE one. But I'm willing to go along and see where this takes me.

There's hope for all of us. We just have to trust. Thanks for "listening".

by flutterby 829 Posts

Posted on 10/12/2009 3:10 AM

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Comments for "I've met someone...and I'm terrified!" (19) (You must be logged in to answer)

Hey flutterby...it's OK to be terrified, so long as you don't let your fears keep you from moving forward. I liked Lisa Cannon's post; this may turn out to be a "healing relationship" for you, rather than the start of a long term committed relationship with "the ONE". I know from experience those can be valuable to speeding your recovery from an unhappy marriage, which I think is essential before you are really ready to successfully deal with finding "the ONE".

I gather this is your first interest since separation, and that raises all the "go slow" concerns everyone else has adequately expressed. I suggest you "go for it", but with sensible boundaries. Run up to those lines in the sand as quickly as your feelings allow. But don't cross them until enough time has passed. I adopted the "1-year" rule, and continued to be open for new relationships. Note, though, I knew she was most likely not "long term" material, so continuing to look was easy. My advice is even though your guy might be long term material, keep yourself open to friendships with other men.

The two lines I drew in my "healing relationship" were no sex, and no future commitments. Yes, it is OK to hug, kiss and snuggle. And yes, it is OK to plan what to do next week, or even next month. But no "let's go on an Alaska cruise next spring" type of thing. Keep focused on the now, and enjoying it for what it is.

IMHO, putting off "dating" until your divorce is final is, well, just a bit restrictive, unless, of course, you think something might cause the divorce to be canceled. Go to dinner, do a movie, hold hands, go on a family picnic (yours and his) when you're ready, and even kiss goodnight. I suspect your self-esteem will thank you. Just don't do anything that would legally upset your divorce apple-cart.

Probably "preaching to the choir", as you do seem to be a pretty "together" woman. So go and enjoy the new relationship!

Take care.

by jhs 555 Posts
Posted on 10/17/2009 7:21 PM

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I am so excited and happy for you Flutters. There is life on this planet that is not of the species we are used to dealing with. While your situations maybe similar I believe that brings you some common ground. You both share a similar situation it brings an extra level of understanding that goes unspoken because it is already understood. You are a confident, strong woman and while the experience is new, we know that you will move at a pace that is right for you.

Try and enjoy yourself and the time you share with this person. Talk, laugh, cry if you want to but let them be tears of joy and relief as the memories of the new life you are beginning. Take care. BIG HUGS!!!!!

by lvmykids 136 Posts
Posted on 10/14/2009 10:08 AM

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If you are thinking it might be too soon, it is too soon. Give yourself time to adjust to the new situation. There is is time to move on and a time to learn about yourself and adjust to the new you. But if you are ready, give it a chance you never know. Best of luck.

by Jamesalone 2778 Posts
Posted on 10/13/2009 10:29 PM

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Woohoo! I know that I should join all the sensible folks here who urge you to proceed with caution, but I think that you are already doing that anyway. I think that you deserve to have a nice man in your life who treats you with respect. Let's see, he's understanding and asks about you and your girls? Does he have a brother?

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 10/13/2009 9:55 PM

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I have to agree with most of the other posters. Take it slow and get to know the guy. Definitely don't be afraid to hang out with him but take it slow.

Let the excitement wash over you and enjoy every second of it =D

Congratulations!

by Viz 41 Posts
Posted on 10/13/2009 8:08 AM

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I can understand the feeling, excitement. But consider that you are in emotional turmoil as he is also. I would take the offer for coffee and no more. The mind is a beautifull thing, and if your minds connect, you have made huge progress. Another let down would surely send you way back on the emotional treadmill. Caution is advised, and donot think farther ahead than what is necessary. You have come a long way to reach this point and you need to value your space and time to recover. No one is perfect, and I know you will be looking for qualities that are desirable to you. You are on your own on this one, so be very cautious, and take any advancement with a pinch of salt. The feeling that comes with a new relationship is just that, a feeling. Be carefull and tread lightly.

by kevinwo 732 Posts
Posted on 10/13/2009 12:27 AM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

Hi Flutterby -

It is normal for you to feel frightened. You were involed in a long term committed relationship for over 20 years. You have invested a major portion of your life in what was. You now have a chance to find happiness once again.

From what I read in your post you are very much aware of the pitfalls that may lie ahead. Some relationships are meant for healing. That can be a very special blessing. It allows you to mend the wounds within. Be ready to be both a healer and to be healed if that is the case. You need to be willing not just to be heard, but to be an empathetic listener as well. From the posts you have written I would say that isn't a problem for you.

The biggest problem that many relationships face when both parties have previously been in prior long term committed relationships generally revolve around getting triggered by events that unconsciously remind us of the hurts of the past. We don't realize that we are reacting to the "old stuff" and feel like it's happening in the now. Doing recovery work and being aware of the fact that this can happen helps a great deal.

It's okay to be scared. I was. But remember, there is no great joy without risk.
Go for it.

Best -
Lisa

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 10/12/2009 10:16 PM

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Its exciting isn't it. They say when you least expect it you will find someone. I read something recently about there being a soulmate for the different stages of your life. I will have to find the exact quote my sister read it to me when we first split I didn't really listen to it at the time, but lately I have!

by stperry 169 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 8:10 PM

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Outstanding,ma'am!!
I am so happy for you.You are correct though you must continue through with taking care of you so the same troubles don't come up in the future.
Yes this will happen for all of us who want to heal recover and have a successful relationship in our future.
Atta,Girl !!!!!!!!

by Byron 242 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 7:47 PM

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You sound very self aware about yourself and the relationship. If it is meant to work out it will. If not, I don't think you are going to stick it out this time. I get the sense you have more power over your life now. All good things. I hope nothing but the best for you. Enjoy it!

I'm seeing someone I call "Mr. Right Now". I doubt there is any chance that it will be long term...and I don't care. This relationship is exactly what I need at this point in my life/divorce. So I'm enjoying it for as long as it lasts. Not every relationship has to be forever.

by BecksMom 232 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 3:25 PM

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Congrats to you is right! Your life and mine could honestly be swapped and nobody would no. Mine left with a skank too. And I kept hoping and praying that he would realize his mistake and come home. But did not happen and I don't think it ever will. And I've met someone who actually listens to me and honestly, I'm a completely different woman with this man than I was with my ex. He brings out so many fun, good qualities in me that it is amazing. My 20 year old son even asked "where is my mother? What have you done with her?" I was so miserable in my marriage that I forgot how much fun life can be. That is what my new boyfriend brings out in me and I hope yours does for you too. Have a good time and enjoy it.

by JFox624 149 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 11:50 AM

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Flutters, I am happy for you and excited what the future holds for you. You've been through a lot and deserve nothing but happiness.

My only concern is this - Is this guy also going through a divorce? Because if he is, then that's a reason for concern and don't mess with anyone that hasn't finished business with his wife first.

Have fun, take care of yourself, and I'm glad you are getting over all the pain your stbx has put you through. ((hugs))

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 9:40 AM

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Hmmmmmmmm , The thing to remmber here is the new person is not the person you left and you are the same person after your divorce so why not start anew be that better person enjoy the second chance, because the new person does not need to carry the baggage of the last person they are new. If they ask about them tell them, but always be asurring that the new person deserves you and not the other person. This way they know they are number 1 in your life like you know they are number 1 in the new persons life. See where it takes you with out giving up so much of your self in the beginning. When the time comes and if they are right they will know and not care about the past because today is all that matters now. Enjoy and congrats on your first step use your gut not your heart. :) my words here are you ladies are gifts from nature and if some one can not take pleasure in your presents then they do not deserve your gift be blessed and take care.

by Gomezz 732 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 9:16 AM

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I meant "date" other guys...lol..sorry.

by vlady 2123 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 9:07 AM

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Way to go!!!!! I drop in every once in awhile and it is nice to see such a nice blog.

Hmmm...take it slow. Enjoy the guy and the attention he gives you but take it slow. Take other guys. I know, that is NOT what you want to hear but you have to do it in order to ccompare and not make this guy the "re-bound" guy. Does this make sense?

Even after I dated quite a few guys I still wonder if I settled too quickly. I adore the guy I am dating but every once in awhile this doubt creeps back in......

Take care.

by vlady 2123 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 9:06 AM

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I'm discovering this myself. I loved mu husband like you would not believe. I adored him. I kept hoping beyond hope that he would see what he was losing and at least want to try. But, alas, this was not to be.

But, now, I'm discovering that life is so much more than I had been living. There are men who are so much more successful and willing to talk to me who want to go out with me!!!!!!! It's awesome!

It's okay to be terrified, sweetie. It's been over 22 years since you've been out in the world. It's hard after that long to get back out. I remember my first few weeks of college after a 15 year hiatus. I was scared to death I would suddenly look stupid or forget where the classrooms were (I was only taking 2 classes and they happened to be in the same building). I got through that first semester just fine. And, you will make it through this just fine, too.

by Dactyl 2606 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 8:53 AM

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Go enjoy your time. Have fun and who cares if he is the one just enjoy his company.

by sjg 1766 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 8:50 AM

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I am so happy for you! Enjoy this part of you life and what happens...happens. You have a great attitude for it is a whole new world. Think that you are not two wounded souls..but two souls who have found something in each other that attracted the other. And it sounds like these two souls bring happiness to each other!

by Joyful 237 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 7:15 AM

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" After 22 years of mediocre, there is a possibility of something greater."

This is what i keep clinging to. Your guys sounds great, flutterby. Whether he is or isn't THE one, enjoy your time with him. Congrats!

by OddGirlOut 134 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 4:43 AM

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I've met someone...and I'm terrified!

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