I can now see the whole truth 

So many friends, family and well meaning people on 360 say things like: "what you don't know can't hurt you", "don't snoop. It prevents you from moving on", "it doesn't matter why. It happened and you just have to accept it and move on".

Ok, I have serious problems with all that advice...at least for me.

I NEED the truth. The truth hurts like hell, but not nearly as bad as the not knowing and the confusion.

I am SO glad I know the truth. The truth is...I had no chance. The minute he reconnected with his ex-girlfriend his marriage was done in his mind. He then had to create reasons why his cheating was ok. To do that he started getting mad at me over everything. Everything I said, did, e-mailed, didn't say, didn't do. It didn't matter. It was all wrong. Funny thing is that I didn't fight back. I thought he was having a tough time with all the stress we were under so I tried to carry more of the load so that he could rest. Turns out "resting" was "having an online affair."

So I took all the anger and yelling for a few weeks while juggling a new job, little sleep, I had a cold, my son had a fever, then I got a fever, I had to look for someone to watch our son on Thursdays, then I had to find a daycare center in one week. It was non-stop what I was doing. I was up half the night with the baby, working from home, looking for sitters on Craig's list. I absorbed it all and kept my mouth shut, except for a few times when he got mad at something I said and I thought he was right so I apologized and promised to be more supportive of him next time.

Then when he told me he wanted a divorce he had set up a few weeks of us not getting along like we usually did. I was sick with a fever and couldn't disagree that we weren't getting along great.

Then the worst was the mental abuse I had to deal with for the next 6 weeks we lived together. I knew about the affair. He knew I knew and denied it, but continued to have the affair, periodically blaming me for driving him to it. Blaming me for stuff that I now have evidence to the contrary. He said I never told him I loved him. Sure I did. I have countless e-mails. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that he chose her over me...his wife, partner for 13 years and mother of his child.

I know exactly when the affair started. I know exactly when they first told each other they loved each other. I know exactly when the naked pictures started. And I can compare all of this to what I was doing and what the state of our relationship was at each moment.

So how does all this help me? I'm able to heal from the mental abuse. I realize I was such a good wife to him and he abused me and took advantage of me.

I realize that forgiveness helps with healing, but what has helped me the most is knowing the truth. To realize how abused I was. How cruel and selfish he really was. The lies, and lies, and lies and lies. Non-stop. Never flinching. Constant. He will never want forgiveness because he set it up so in his mind he didn't do anything wrong. He's the happiest he's ever been. He just needs to get rid of me and his happiness will be complete.

Also, knowing the full, complete truth is what is going to set me free. I can finally let go of my obsession with wondering what the hell happened. I know what happened and I had nothing to do with it.

I'm happy that I have my son. I'd do it all over just to have my son. But I do wish that he would have done this before we had a child together. Then I wouldn't have to deal with him ever again. I guess everything has a price.