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STILL having nightmares every night about "them"

It's bad enough to be living a nightmare, but to dream about my STBX and his mistress nearly every night for months is not helping me at all. I can't take sleeping pills because I want to be sure I wake up if the baby cries. When I do take a pill I want to sleep for a whole day, so I've cut to cut the pill down next time. It's the only way to either not dream about them or not remember the dreams.

If I'm going to have to dream about him I'd rather it be of the 13 good years instead of me standing there while their wedding happens around me and I have to keep telling people that the groom is already my husband so he can't get married. Of course they do anyway. No one listens to me.

Maybe when we are officially divorced I'll stop having these dreams. I really do get frustrated that my husband is living with his pregnant mistress while we are still married. I don't want to be married to someone like that. I filed for divorce 7 months ago on grounds of adultery because then I wouldn't have to wait a full year for the divorce. No one told me that not waiting a year, meant I still had to wait for a court date, which could still take a year, and it looks like it will. Meanwhile my husband lives with another woman and tells me I'm not his family...no, only your wife and mother of your son. No respect. No respect at all for years of love and dedication and tolerance.

In the mornings I have to think of positive things so that I can get out of bed instead of laying there thinking about those nightmares.

Why can't I have dreams of all the awesome men out there that I could possibly meet and have a healthy relationship with. I'm looking forward to going out and meeting lots of different men. If my husband wasn't a good match for me then I'm going to open my mind to meeting lots of different types of men to see who would be a better fit for me. I'm trying to stay positive and see the potential for a better future out of this hell and pain. It's tough and these nightmares don't help.

by BecksMom 232 Posts

Posted on 1/21/2009 8:31 PM

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Tags: adultery , nightmares

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Comments for "STILL having nightmares every night about "them"" (19) (You must be logged in to answer)

I know how you feel and I am sorry that anyone else has ever gone through this. We have been seperated for 3 years and divorced for the last year. and 2 months. He finally thought it okay to marry his mistress of according to him 18 years. Apparently the one that I once called a "friend" in high school was dating my ex up to two weeks before my wedding (never new) she then popped into my marriage when we had been married alittle over two years and then again while we were supposedly trying to work things out. The tramp who was married herself along with two kids married my ex exactly 30 days after her divorce (which was final the day before she rode into town with my ex and her two kids) so that my ex could try to win custody of our three kids after being in Iraq as a private contractor for 2 years. Want to talk about nightmares. I have been having them for what seems like for ever. I tried the melatonin and that worked for a couple of months and then the dreams got even weirder. She gets better than me and my 17 year old who was communicating with her behind my back started calling her mom after 2 weeks, right around the time he took them all in for a family picture (before their quicky wedding of course). He tries to replace me in every way including telling the kids it is okay to call her mom. Now that is NO respect. The best news is that I won custody of my two boys 12 and almost 10 who thank god with their support somehow I always make it to the next day. Just remember as you look at that baby that at least you found out now and not after 20 years. The nightmares would have been a lot grander and with only one and so young you can try to make a life for the two of you. I hope your nightmares do not last as long as mine.

by Delila 4 Posts
Posted on 2/1/2009 11:44 PM

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Wow!! these are some incredible stories.

Dear Becksmom, the nightmares you describe sound to me like your body/mind is working really hard to process this trauma and put it behind you.

Especially if the nightmares have been happening for several months, have you considered the possibility of accessing some specialized help? Energy Psychology and Rapid Eye Technology are awesome resources for releasing trauma, and anyone who has gone through what you describe has experienced trauma.

Blessings,

Debra

by Debrah 1 Post
Posted on 1/26/2009 10:12 PM

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I did use melatonin when we first separated...I'm so sorry it must be so hard to go through this with an infant. My kids are older it's still hard but not as demanding as those early years. I also had my doctor prescribe me xanex, you can take it as you need it and it really helped releive my stress. I didn't find it habit forming and it helped get me throught the tough time. I went straight for the divorce too and twenty months later I'm still not divorced (but close so my attorney said in October). I never dreamed it would take this long. Be patient life will get better and the future will look brighter down the road. I'm happier and happier with each passing day.

by mominny 219 Posts
Posted on 1/23/2009 9:03 PM

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Wow. After reading your post and some of the responses I can hardly believe them. I don't understand how men can leave a marriage when there is a baby to take care of. That should be the time you tough it out - even if the marriage is bad you find a way to deal with it. Having a baby is really hard and takes two (heck, it should take more - two is a bare minimum in this crazy nuclear family world we live in). I'm still toughing my marriage out 8 years on even though my wife and I have slept in separate rooms all that time. I'd rather just try make it work for the kids sake - even if the marriage is no good the kids are worth the sacrifice, at least while they are young.

Anyway, it seems you have two problems - a problem with getting to sleep and a problem with dreams. The best advice for the former (and in general for mood) is to try to make sure you get good physical exercise every day (but not too late or it will wake you up), and avoid stimulants like coffee. Melatonin might work although it never did for me.

As for dreams, you really need to try to calm your mind before sleep. The best way to do that when you have a lot of bad thoughts creeping in is with a good book. You need to try not to think about things before you fall asleep or that will be all you dream about.

It sounds like your marriage is completely toast and you need to move on mentally from it. If you want to read a book related to all this a good one is called "Uncoupling". If nothing else it may help you understand what you are going through now and will go through in the time ahead.

Probably you already know this. Good luck.

by geek 4 Posts
Posted on 1/23/2009 12:44 AM

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I have nightmares. My soon to be ex(what does stbx stand for?)lives with his mistress in a huge house with all the bells and whistles. he pays no child support, i am facing foreclosure and literally freezing in the dark. How is this fair? why are my 2 kids victims of his selfishness?
i dream of them ,happy starting over, new family, big house and me left in the dust, in the home that was our dream home. My nightmares wake me at 4 every night even on lorazepam.

by jrsr 13 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 10:14 PM

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I know exactly what you are going through! My stbx (wow, thats the first time I refered to him as that, not sure how I feel about it..?) actually moved the majority of his stuff out on Tuesday night... I am trying to have some kind of friend ship with him, so we were talking, and he said the ow asked if he and I were going to have sex while he was here.... sounds like there is alot of trust there, huh? Anyway, I had terrible dreams that night, and left me miserable thinking about the dreams all day yesterday. Today not so bad. So hopefully the in time theory will pan out for both of us! Take care!!

by thechick 3 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 7:55 PM

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Becksmom, I just want to say, I haven't read your whole story, but I understand you. i just started having my nightmares even though me have been seperated since March. I never met his mistress, but in my dreams,I walk in on them having sex, then she threatens to take our daughter away from us. My STBX left me when our daughter was 6months. The daughter we went thorough Invitro for because he is infertile. The family we wanted to start so badly.

I am in therapy, on anti-depressants,and take xanax when I can't sleep. I was scared to take anything for sleep because of the baby, but now she sleep through the night and the mother's instinct wakes me if she is crying.

I think when your life is settled things will get better. I know when I move our of our marital home and have the legal D, i things might be easier. Know you are not alone.

by gabbysmom23 11 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 7:42 PM

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The nightmares will only go away with time. Even when you don't even like the man anymore, you still have the nightmares...because they ARE part of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I don' t know your history, but have you tried therapy? Often we dream about things we are trying to suppress in our regular lives. Talking it out helps the nightmares go away. Friends help, but a therapist is neutral, and is just there to listen. Just a thought. Take Care

by elane 348 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 7:14 PM

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Nightmares are the worst. Your mind is working overtime "acting out" your worst fears.

I think all the suggestions about distractions and getting your mind in another place are great ideas. Anything to get your focus off your ex and his ow I think would be healthy.

I would also suggest doing some yoga to help relax your body and mind and address all the pent up negative energy before your retire. I use yoga and meditation at the end of the day before my bath to help me decompress and get into a more peaceful state of mind for deeper sleep.

Take a deep breath and concentrate on finding your peace.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 6:59 PM

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I had the nightmares about my stbx and the man she was having the affair with also. What really helped me was that I had a friend that went through the same situation a few years ago. He told what to expect and pretty much told me what she was probably was going to do before she actually did it, and he was spot on. My nightmares stopped when I decided I wasn't going to let it run my life, Try reinforcing positive affirmations throughout the day, as stupid as it sounds it might work. Good luck.

by Todd 10 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 6:33 PM

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I'm sorry, too, for your nightmares. You're not alone. I am going through this, too, and like you my nightmares are about my stbx and his new T & A. My imagination has seen the worst possible scenarios of them together. We were married, I thought, blissfully happy for 14 years. We have no kids of our own but had six from previous marriages together and even with that type of blended family I thought we were exceptional at keeping it tight. I am sorry for all of you with small children and alone. It is what I feared most when I was with my first husband. I had small kids and could not leave and just settled for his cheating and drinking 'till the kids were older. Then I had to fall for my stbx. The ebbs and flows of life are just too much to take sometimes. I hope you get some rest and pray for you and the day when you stop seeing them in your nightmares and alltogether start a new life of sweet dreams. I want the visions to be gone.

by Pincushion 44 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 3:43 PM

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I know what your going through and it definitly sucks doesn't it!!!!? my husband is living with his slut of a girlfriend too and her stupid little family- nevermind that we were married for 19 years and that he has 3 daughters of his own here with me. ok I will say that he is a good dad but what he is doin really sucks big time. I hate him right now and her(aka slut). well all I say is that we will get through this-better times are ahead for us without them-as much as it sucks-I have to think that. hope you will also

by khisch3 1 Post
Posted on 1/22/2009 3:18 PM

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Hang in there hon,

Like nutballgirl said, it really does get better with time. This is still new and fresh and you aren't through the legal stuff yet. Learning to let go will go a long way in terms of your attitude.

Your husband is not correct, in my opinion, about one thing. No matter what, because you share a child, you will ALWAYS be a family. Fractured, dysfunctional, or happy, it is up to you & the ex. But a family for your son, none the less.

Good luck on your journey. I try to think about it like body surfing. You kind of know you can keep on top of the water, even when waves are crashing around you. And eventually you reach the shore and dry off and say it was an ok ride in. That's kind of like life. It ebbs and flows. Not always happy, but the balance is the joy we find, such as when we look on our children.
Best of luck!

by abrenner 60 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:53 AM

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Gosh, what a dirtbag. I'm sorry, but to be married to you for years and have a baby with you, only to up and leave and get someone else pregnant??? That's low. Oh, don't you worry: she thinks she's won some great prize--what she's won is a guy who can't stay true to his vows, a guy who leaves when the going gets tough, when the woman he's married to needs him most. She will start to see, in time, just what a lousy husband he makes. My good friend's ex husband is doing the same thing--ran off and left her and their 2 year-old son, and got his mistress pregnant.

I have had the same types of nightmares about my ex, and they suck. You wake up and have trouble facing the day; trouble getting the images of them together out of your mind. You, however, will overcome this in time. And when you're healed and ready, you will meet a man who will be willing to stand by you forever.**hugs**

by marybecca2 807 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:53 AM

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you poor thing. i remember going through that. i also would start shaking whenever i was out and saw a woman who even slightly resembled the girl. my therapist said it's a sign of ptsd and i truly believe that. do some reading about that topic and it may help you--that and time. i promise it WILL get better, though it takes a long time sometimes. just hang on.

by nutballgirl 4 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:45 AM

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Thanks. All great ideas. I actually have a bottle of Melatonin in my nightstand. I've used it before and it's has worked for me. I forgot all about that. It doesn't give you the sleep hangover effect that sleeping pills give you.

Brad Pitt movies! Excellent idea. I watched LOST last night. FULL of HOT MEN. It did help. Instead of dreaming of "them" I dreamed about my resume (I'm job hunting also) and how I didn't want to list my marital status on it. Not a great dream, but certainly better than the alternative!

by BecksMom 232 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:33 AM

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I'm with Dock on this one. Also, melatonin comes in varying doses. I take 1mg when I have trouble sleeping. My mom takes the 3mg dose. Hope this helps. As for the nightmares, they won't stop unless you can manage to get them out of your subconscious mind. Maybe reading a good book while you are falling asleep would help. God Bless.

by beentheredoneit 210 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 1:09 AM

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I had those kind of nightmares about my 1st. ex for 6 months straight! I know your pain and I am so sorry! I would exercise for 15 minutes and then have a small glass of wine before going to bed, I was more relaxed and could actually go a night without the nightmares! Make sure your eating healthy and taking care of yourself, it does make a difference. I hope your nightmares end real soon...

by kdb 3175 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 12:37 AM

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try melatonin if you haven't. Our bodies produce it to regulate our sleep cycles. It's in the vitamin section of any store and is cheap. Not a sedative and not habit forming. Sometimes not effective lol. Watchya some brad pit movies before you go to bed on the other comment. Not that I do, but it can't hurt to try.

by Dock 402 Posts
Posted on 1/21/2009 9:38 PM

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