How long can a marriage go without sex?? 

Some body is getting it some where. My X  said one time I am going to cut you off. have to have a fast come back to that I said no you won't you don't know where I am getting it. never heard that again. and noticed I said X

It been six years and counting for me. My wife will have opposite sleeping patterns from mine. I have worked on 3 different shifts and she still sleeps in the livingroom. It does drive me nuts. I get 'thoughts' about all most any female I see. I have expressed my thoughts and views about intamacy. Her response is" I understand and I fell bad about it". Our forced abstinence started when her sister died and she started grieving, and she still is. Not only that, but as we are in our 50's, more family members are dying and she grieves for them too. Then she had breast cancer stage 1, really small but now she is obsessed with any medical news on the subject. I had suggested counseling many times and it took until I withdrew a large amount of money from the bank and told her I can't live like this anymore, I am leaving. The flood gates opened and my wife begged me no to leave, that she would go to counseling. That was 4 months ago and she is in counseling.

My battle is in my mind. I committed to love and charrish. To play the game of love and marriage with her. As I see it, we are not playing the game. I am the sole provider, I wash dishes and cook at least half of the time. I am not 'allowed' to clean because she fears she will not know where things are. The house is a mess, my marriage is a mess. Will it get better? I don't know how much longer I can stay.

Sex stopped for me when i couldnt stand the smell of my hb mouth anymore. Rotten teeth that he wont get fixed.One year no sex for me And as terrible as we get along I would still have sex with him if he could leave his mouth in another room. Desperate i guess. Why be married? I could get a room mate and not have to clean up after them! Life is to short.We are human and still need to have fun. I am in process of divorce and am already packing. Ready to start living again . Good luck to all! Oh! Could use a date in the Houston area soon! Any ideas?

My 1st marriage was 29 years and the last 2 years there was no sex because he said it was from medications he could no longer perform. I was dumb enough to accept that and stayed by him and though I missed intimacy I was willing to go without. Well he sure had no problem with the ow, it seems! Now long story short, my ex was an emotional and verbal abuser, he put me down every chance he had, I was not good enough for him, I never did anything right because I was stupid. But I still wanted the intimacy, I used to have to beg for it years before, he was happy with looking at sex magazines or x-rated videos, little did I know he was cheating too!
Men as well as women have needs and desires, if one feels they lose their "freedom" by making love, there is something much more going on! Marriage is give and take, it takes both to give 100% to it and that includes intimacy. Stay with the counseling, hopefully learn to communicate better and get to the bottom of it. However if she is emotionally detached from the marriage it may be too late. I wish you well...

hi etrain,me and my bf havent had sex in 3 months and what i dont understand is,my bf will tell me he loves me.but if u dont have sex,how can u tell that person u still love them ????we have been having alot of problems.but i just dont get it.  shy

My husband hasn't touche me in two years. His online porn is keeping him happy. He acts as though everything is normal esp in front of the kids. We are in our early sixties, kids on their own. When I bring it up he won't talk, even got rid of his Blackberry e-mail because I saw the sites he was frequenting. I moved into spare room two weeks ago and he didn't question it
He's talking about what we'll do when we retire in front of the kids of course !!!! Won't go to counceling (I am).
It's impossibe to sell our property at this time, we would lose our shirt so I'm bying my time until I can make my exit. It's not easy living like this, but I know something GOOD is ahead for me.
Took me totally by surprise because we always had a great sex life. The last time we made love he told me I was still good for an old woman. That was crushing !!! My self- esteem sank to a low. I'm in good shape, attractive enough,a few wrinkels,size 8, been a good faithful wife for 40 yrs, raised five terrific kids.. He's getting fat, balding and boring.
His main intrest seems to be Gay Porn. Is anyone going through this? I'd like to get some feedback. Some days are very rough..  Thank-you

I was the one who stopped having sex withmy STBX! She cheated and had a drug problem, everytime we would try to be intimate, I couldn't preform. The thoughts about the other men and a very deep fear of STD or Hepititis!!!
I went for two years, it is just simply a matter of will. I tried to get us both into counseling but she refused, I went and just kept going. Now I find out that my 2 sons might not even be genetically mine. They will always be my boys, but I don't even get the diginity of knowing one way or the other. So remember it is not just woman who will refuse to be intimate , sometimes us males just can't take the hurt and loose our desire.

The way I see it... if you ignore your mate sexually over an extended period (months) and they cheat... It's their fault for not giving their spouse the attention they need. Noone I know has ever cheated in a happy marriage. I think six months would be the cutoff for me now. But I went 18 months trying to be a patient husband. That was a long stretch but I did end up connecting with an other woman on an emotional level( emotional affair if you want to call it that). I have no regrets about it. She was there for me when I was being neglected.

The way I see it... if you ignore your mate sexually over an extended period (months) and they cheat... It's their fault for not giving their spouse the attention they need. Noone I know has ever cheated in a happy marriage. I think six months would be the cutoff for me now. But I went 18 months trying to be a patient husband. That was a long stretch but I did end up connecting with an other woman on an emotional level( emotional affair if you want to call it that). I have no regrets about it. She was there for me when I was being neglected.

Several things make can make a woman no longer interested in having sex with her husband. He can not respect her, call her ugly in new and inventive ways, tell her how she's not keeping her self up (even when she lost 15 lbs since she met him and hasn't stopped her beauty regime), tell her how attractive his coworkers are and never say anything about her is nice. When she does her hair never notice or compliment but oo and ah someone in the malls hair that looks just like hers, be physically distant at all times (sitting on the other side of the living room 9 ft away etc, never actually close to her) and if she does tell her she's "being clingy". jerk away from her if she accidentally touches you when you're in bed, when she tells you she doesn't like your mustache make sure you let that thing grow out and keep it for 2 years, Be purposefully mean on a regular basis, tell her you wanted to make her cry, you dont' care about her opinion, thoughts, feelings, and she's dumb because she's a woman. If you also let her know that what she does (say this woman works, comes home cooks cleans, and pays half the bills and all she asks you do to is help her wash dishes or take out the trash every now and then) doesn't matter so basically if you make her actions have a 0 value in the relationship when she's contributing more financially, and with her time and spending more effort. refuse to listen to her when she needs you, treat her like a maid, provide no support for life changing events (deaths in family etc) compare her to ex's repeatedly, no physically closeness unless having sex (most females find that depressing, depressing = not in mood and/or apply double standards for everything. Attempt to "punish" her by withholding sex and not talking for days to weeks on end.

these are the reasons i don't want to do it with my husband. I want to do it. just not with him. Go Rabbit!

Wow it sounds like you're going through a lot and I am so sorry about that. It sounds like you guys could definitely use help... But the thing about marriage counselors is that so many of them just want you to sit there and talk about all your past problems and you feel targeted during sessions. And even if you do accomplish anything, its usually how to "communicate effectively" which only makes you better roommates - NOT better spouses... I read a few articles about an ALTERNATIVE to marriage counseling at www.marriagefitness1.com and they were so much more helpful because instead of dealing with all of your problems, it deals with how to move forward. They were soooo helpful! Good luck with everything!

My husband hasn't been romantic for years. There is no little kisses or touches or flirting, nothing. So I feel nothing for him. Seriously, flirt with your wife. Don't try to have sex with her, make her feel beautiful. And one of the worst things for me is I feel like I'm nothing but a Mom (not that I don't love being a Mom, but it doesn't end there).

We went for very long stretches with no sex. And the more you don't do it, the less you feel like doing it. You become strangers, you wonder if its a "sympathy F", you can't take each other seriously when the other tries to be romantic.
 
Marriage can't last long without sex, longer than 3 months, but damage is done everyday. I hope her heart is still open to you, it may not be, but I know if my husband would just *try* I'd open up.

Good luck to you. I know having 2 kids myself it is a very hard decision.

OMG, bleedingheart pain, I can so relate, my soon to be ex spend almost four year every day commenting on what a loser he was. No matter how much I complemented him, no matter what I did to reassure him of my love, nothing I did worked. Day in day out...I'm such a loser. Can drive a girl way. Then there was the constant talking about his late wife and comparing her to me. That was so hurtful. He broke my heart over and over with that crap. Etrain, I am sorry but I have to say from a woman point of view having sex will only compound the problems yo are trying to resolve because for women sex is such an emotional thing, not that is not emotioan for men, but I don't think as much as it is for woman. Paul had the nerve after he threw me to ask if we could just be "f**k buddies". I couldn't believe his respect for me was so low. I commend you on working on you marriage I wish my Paul would have been so commented. But put the sex on the back burner for awhile. You will survive and when you have it again...Watch out. In the mean time, not to be rude, take some cold showers with Ms. Michigan (the state is shaped like a hand...get it) Sorry just a saying in these parts. Because until your wife is ready she will just feel used. I love sex, but Paul made me hate it with him (but we still had it a couple time a week) because of all his whine. Who want to make love to someone who doesn't respect themselve or you.

" what makes a woman no longer want to be intimate with a man " ......I myself wish I knew the answer to this or at lease understood it enough to explain it. I am very caring and loving person and the last thing I want to do was find myself in this position again. My stbx had a problem telling the truth and including me in family choices. I could never prove he had the affairs but he had all the signs. In my heart I guess he did, he never wanted to talk to me or do things with me. Everyone else was more important. My story is of course extensive...... My point is this, I never wanted to stop loving him. I wanted to grow old with him. I never planned it, I think my heart and soul couldn't take not feeling the love it wanted so bad. The intimacy went away. Making love was not making love anymore, just sex. A marriage is so much more than that to me. I wasn't respected enough in everyday life and it spilt over into the bedroom. Yes, the desire was there but my heart wanted and needed more. I wonder from time to time if I was wrong but I can't hide the fact that this is how I feel.....I hope this helped... best of luck

Vicki and Duchick thanks very much for your insightful comments.  In many ways, Duchick, you seem to be describing in your last response, what may have made my wife's eyes stray in the first place, she too works full time and always seems to be the one who takes the lead in arranging everything regarding the family.  Vicki, I think you are right in the long term, I'm just trying to figure out how long I should give her.  I'm going to have to keep thinking about that one.
Thanks again.

estain,

I'm sorry, I hadn't read your bio, and didn't realize that you've been having this problem with your wife for awhile... I read where you've already tried the pouring out your feelings, the getting on a dating site, ect, ect... Ugh.... I'm sorry, I'm sure this must be frustrating to you...

Marriage isn't onesided though... and if your wife is having an affair, or is connected to another man right now, it's going to be hell trying to get her to realize that she's still in love with you through your words, or actions...

I lost the love for my husband as I think a lot of people do throughout their marriage, but it wasn't the love I lost, it was the fact that I was just so frustrated with him that I didn't want to deal with him anymore, or the things he had done to me...

Women are highly emotional people. We like drama too, in some ways, and when our husbands forget we exist for too long, we tend to want to prove to them that we are 'still' exciting, or important to someone....If I make up my mind that I'm done with something, I'm done, and nothing nobody can say will persuade me to change... I would have to do that on my own, so in reality, it's "her" that needs to realize that you're not a door-mat that is waiting around for her to cheat, and come back to you.... Find out who she is sleeping with, or connected to, and either force her to end it for a certain time period, ( giving you a decent chance) or let her go.... You can't live with someone who doesn't take your needs seriously, or doesn't love you in the way you deserve... It will just lead to more problems in your own life...

She may think this is what she wants, but trust me, it's true when one says "Be careful for what you ask for, because you might get it"....

etrain,

 

Making love in your marriage is important, and if there is no sex, then it's hard to stay intimate in it. If your wife isn't wanting sex, then I'd say there is some hidden reason. It's one thing to be tired from raising kids, or be working all the time and you just can't find the time, but lets face it, most people who care about each other 'find' the time. And anyway, making love isn't suppose to be a chore, it's fun, and it's exciting, and if you keep it fresh, it can also be very fulfilling..

 

I personally hate it when someone says that being intimate doesn't have to include sex because it does in my opinion. Short of having some major reason, or health issue, there is 'NO' excuse why one partner would deprive the other from that experience. No sex in a marriage can lead to insecurity, self esteme problems, blaming each other, or yourself, and just downright drive you crazy....

So, maybe you need to sit your wife down and say "Hey, I can't deal with this anymore, and you're not the only one in this marriage that has needs, or wants - you say you don't feel for me the way you use to? Well, then maybe we ought to be exploring other options because I'm worth more than you're giving me credit for, and if you can't find it in your heart to love me the way you promised, then I need to move on and find someone else who will"....

If that don't open her eyes, then she's probably cheating on you, and you'd be better off finding out about it now instead of later... But don't ever think sex isn't important because it is important... In fact, it's that intimate time you have together that keeps you connected in my opinion... Without it, your marriage suffers, and nobody comes out the winner...

I suppose in our case, I was so exhausted from working full time and taking care of two young children that sex became just one more thing for me to check off on my "to-do" list, and it was a relief when I didn't have to do it.  The gulf that had widened between us crept up on us gradually, and I never saw it coming until it was too late.

Looking back I can see that my exhaustion and resentment were probably building for years.  My husband was never one to take the lead on anything having to do with the kids (or any other decisions to be made in our married life, either) so I was the one who had to keep track of the myriad details of running a family. 

When we first met, his total helplessness was kind of charming.  It was so nice to be needed.  Later, when we were parents, not so much, since I felt as though I was the only adult in our family.

It's just a shame that we can't (won't) see things going wrong until they explode on us.  I'm just starting to realize my wife has been unsatisfied with our relationship for several years.  I was going to say why don't relationships just come with warning symbols, but I guess they do, they're just hard to interpret.......

Loss of sex life is one of the strongest signs a marriage is in trouble but is easily missed.  I know I missed these signals and looking back now that I am out of the fog it surprises me I did not see the problem and know my spouse was cheating.

When my business got in trouble the sex began to suffer but I thought it was normal stress.  For the first 4-5 months we had sex but so much else was going on I have forgotten most everything about it.  Then it just stopped and I did not notice until I was told about the divorce - about 3 months after it stopped - at least for me.

I do remember asking her about our sex life.  The usual response when I did this in the marriage was - "our sex life is great or just fine" or "sex is not as important to me".  At the end I was told our "sex life had been terrible for years".

Now I am a normal red-blooded male with a good sex drive.  I initially took all this in as my fault as I was having confidence problems due to severe stress from the business.  Looking back now I know it was not my problem.  My spouse was strange when it came to sex throughout the marriage.  Get a few drinks in her and she was the porn star.  Without that she was kind of a prude - never discussed what she liked, wanted, needed, expected me to just "know".  Was this way for 20 years even though we did have a pretty good sex life.

So you trust someone, you realize life and sex has its ups and downs (no pun intended) but the other person is off getting it somewhere else and projects onto you all the problems.  Hard to believe you don't see not having sex in your marriage when it is occuring but it happens.

Thanks to all for your insight.  I've got a question, and I'm not sure if it's easily answered, but, what is it that makes a woman no longer want to be intimate with a man?  My wife says that she still loves me, and tells me I've done nothing wrong, that she still finds me attractive, but that she's no longer interested in me that way anymore.  I wish she could just tell me something I could change.....

Well, the first time my husband said he wanted a divorce, I convinced him to give things another shot.  He had cheated on me, but we had two small children and I felt we owed it to them to try to work things out.  We slept in separate bedrooms for several months (although we had not been intimate for a while before that) and went to counseling for 2 years.  We did eventually resume a sexual relationship, but it was never the same.  This time, it's been six months since the last time.  I've moved out, we are separated, and in the process of divorcing. 

STBX has another woman (again) although he denies it.  But the behaviors started again - the disappearing for several days at a time, the mysterious "walks" every night, the texts and emails, etc., etc.  Then he finally told me that he wanted a divorce.

At any rate, you can sublimate these feelings.  Or, to put it delicately, there are alternatives that don't involve intimate relations with another person.  This will let you clear your head and focus just on your relationship issues.

Best,
Duchick

I have not had any intimate relations with my stbx in over a year.  The past 4 years I could not have sex woth him..but would "take Care" of him only when I had several glasses of wine.  Even still I could not stand him to touch me.

It started when he lost my trust..it wasn't a woman..it was gambling.  Also, he lies about everything..he is a sneak.....He lies about paying his bills, where he is after work..etc....  I just got so turned off by his actions, that he repulsed me..there was no physical desire...He was very upset and ofcourse thought I was cheating(he still does)  but I never did cheat.  It wasn't someone else, It was our relationship..

which is why i filed for divorce last June......

Sorry I didn't answer your question. I'm tired. Been working all day. I just never let my thoughts go in that direction. It never entered my mind to cheat because I loved my hubby. I have had a lot of guys working on my farm but I put up a line that is not crossed. I've been hit on a few times but I just didn't cross that line. I also worked till I was so tired I would fall in the bed at night and sleep. Sometimes two jobs at once on other farms doing manual labor on a horse farm. When you work one of those jobs you don't think about anything but how tired you are and you just want to sleep.
And a lot of will power.

I'm finally divorced and like a few others on here it has been years since I have had sex with my then husband or anyone else. I had never cheated on my ex. He went to work overseas and kept me on the hook by telling me the next job and the next job would be back home. I believed him for a while but how can you work on any problems when your hubby only gets home once or twice a year.
I guess I was too comitted to my marriage vows and he certainly wasn't. So I was doing without and obeying my vows and he wasn't. I guess I was a little dumb. I finally got the picture when I found the marriage license to someone else. The funny thing is he said he didn't want a divorce. Still swears he didn't Marry her. Such a liar.  
Only three months? Try 10 years. I really was quite dumb.