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When your Ex Blames You for the Divorce

Does your ex refuse to take any responsibility for your divorce? Is the divorce "all your fault" even though your ex may have been the one who has cheated or been abusive? If so, you may be frustrated and baffled at how your ex cannot accept any blame. It may be obvious that your ex's actions caused the breakup of the marriage ,yet he or she goes on blaming you.

Believe it or not, this is typical in many divorces. The person who had the affair or acted in other ways that contributed to the demise of the marriage turns the tables and blames their spouse. It actually makes sense when you think about it. If your ex was to admit wrongdoing, he or she would feel guilty and have to face those emotions. It is easier to blame you and not have to deal with the shame and guilt.

A recent example of this is the book actor Alec Baldwin wrote after his nasty divorce to actress Kim Basinger. He rallies against the legal system, placing blame on everyone except himself. Even after he called his daughter a "thoughtless, rude, little pig" he blamed his ex. He excused his actions by saying "parental alienation" drove him to verbally abuse his child. In all fairness, we all lose our tempers with our kids and he may have experienced parental alienation, but I don't think Alec Baldwin is ready yet to look at himself and see how he is the creator of his own life and experiences.

Yes, your ex can push your buttons but ultimately it is you who decides to react in anger. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to to do. We all have free choice. A person who cheats may say that their ex was cold and unloving, but no one forced them to have an affair, they made that decision freely. You could say your ex made you so angry, you lashed out verbally or physically. But again, you made that choice.

So the next time your ex tries to place the blame on you for the divorce, you can make a different choice. Instead of feeling angry, frustrated and feeling the need to justify why your ex is the one responsible, you can choosee to let it go and understand your ex cannot face the truth without also facing some very painful emotions he or she may be unwilling to deal with at this time.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during a divorce...

by Christina-Rowe 298 Posts

Posted on 9/26/2008 12:30 AM

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Tags: divorce and blame , alec baldwin divorce , verbal abuse , cheatinging ,
affair , christina rowe

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Comments for "When your Ex Blames You for the Divorce" (10) (You must be logged in to answer)

I think the rule of thumb should be if it makes you feel good to let your ex know what he or she has to done to hurt you, even though you know he or she will act like they do not care, then do it. However, if it leaves you feeling more angry and frustrated after "letting off steam" then maybe it is time to consider making a different choice.
I went through this recently with my ex when he refused to help pay for some medical expenses for our kids, even though it is in our divorce agreement. I caught myself getting frustrated and it was not worth it to me to feel that way. Nothing I can say can force him to do the right thing and the only person getting upset was me, so I chose to let it go.
Either way I was not getting the money. One reaction had me feeling angry, the other left me feeling in control and calm. Of course, I could go back to court. But I have no desire to revisit that time period in my life again, when my ex and I spent 18 months in the family court system battling it out.
So my choice is to try and let what I can go and have a more peaceful relationship with my ex. Not for his sake, but for my own. Fighting and arguing with anyone always upsets me and I feel I deserve to feel good.

by Christina-Rowe 298 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2008 2:50 AM

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All very true. Exactly my situation. My ex blames me for everything and accepts none at all. She continues to manipulate the child visitation we have agreed to. She is late many times. Today she was over 2 hours late dropping off my son - no call - no apology - no remorse. Does not appear to matter if I get angry or not. Try to just tell her this is unacceptable and we need to stick to our schedule. Nothing works with her - I think she loves the perception of control she has.

I have spoken how she has put the divorce on hold. I am seriously contemplating requesting a hearing (which I have been told I can do) to force the issue into court and mediation. Unfortunately, this will just cost us both needlessly. Have just informed via email her and her attorney I plan to do this unless they start moving forward (has been 7 weeks since I commented on first draft of decree with nothing back).

Any advice out there on 1) forcing the issue in court and 2) getting her to stop trying to change the visitation schedule (i.e., coming up with things to interfere with my weekends) and being late all the time with drop offs?

by hutchIN 182 Posts
Posted on 9/27/2008 2:07 PM

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You're right Blue! I should have told him more than I did. I was afraid to and he didn't want to hear it. I also didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted him to agree to go to counseling and I thought if I really told him how I felt he would never agree. Well, he never agreed to counseling either. By that time, I was in survival mode. In our conversations, if I would bring anything like that up he would walk away or hang up. Since I wanted to take the high road, I just dropped it. And like you said, it's too late now. And for me, it just doesn't matter anymore. Thanks for your perspective!

by CathyJean 128 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 9:28 AM

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I'm not saying you can't forgive or that you shouldn't let go of your anger, but I think not to express it to your spouse AT THE TIME is a mistake too. I always try and put myself in the other person's shoes, and I am in that position now...if someone came up to me 12 years later telling me about how I did something to them 12 years ago made them feel angry or hurt (even if they now forgive me), I would have wanted to know that 12 years ago, not today. That's me. So that's why I think it's important that you do tell them, at least once, what it is that made you angry and why...that way, there is no confusion or doubt as to why you took the actions that you took, instead of having the other person wonder or speculate.

Does it mean that I need to hold onto the anger once I've expressed it? No. Does it mean I should throw it in my wife's face every time we have a conversation or argument? No. I will say it once, then move on. She wants to try and rationalize/blame me for her choices, she can do so...I just won't engage her on that...it's enough to know that I know the reason...if she can't/won't accept her role in it, then that's going to be on her...and she will be the one to keep on making the mistakes in her future relationships, not me.

In order for a guilt trip to work, one has to give a shit first...and I don't anymore.

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 8:58 AM

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BlueB.... how I feel now about what he did to me is sooooo different than what it was in the beginning. I never knew a heart could actually hurt; I was devestated and could have went on and on about what he was doing to our me and our family. Now, I have done a complete turn around. He did me a huge favor and I wish he would have done it years ago, when I was younger! My hurdle at this point is seeing him and my ex-best friend together for the first time. I think I'm ready to face them and forgive them. For me, it's just another step in living my best life.

by CathyJean 128 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 7:57 AM

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Not only does me STBX blame me for the affair, the mental break down he had, the verbal abuse, the affair was because I wasn't being a wife to him, jeez we only had been married for 30 days and I was still making adjustments, his mental breakdown was because of the guilt of the affair, but it was my fault because I wouldn't forgive and forget, and the verbal abuse was because he had so much angry with everything that I was the easy outlet, again that was my fault because I wouldn't drop everything at work for him to have a melt down. Do I care if he blames me, not at all, because one day maybe he will see the self centered, non emotional person he is so that is something he wil have to learn. When he starts on his tantrums I just ignore him and now I just don't even answer his calls or texts anymore... Let someone else deal with him and his issues because this STBX is done.... Woo-hoo!!!!!

by Departed 571 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 7:35 AM

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This is true...you cannot control their actions or emotions, otoh, letting them go without telling them how you feel about it is a mistake too. It's healthy to express that anger to them, even if they don't/can't see that they are to blame. No need to rehash it once it's been said, though. THAT I agree with...if they are unable or unwilling to accept blame, then that's on them, but you owe it to yourself to express how their actions made you feel...not for them, but for YOU.

Once that's been expressed and they try to turn it around and make it your fault, drop it. You've told them what their actions did to make you feel the way you feel...angry, hurt, etc. If they choose to push that button to try to make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, don't let them. You said what you needed to say...just walk away at that point.

Just my two cents.

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 7:33 AM

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This is my stbx as well. Has not faced the realities of what his selfish actions caused. Usually I don't wish a nervous breakdown for anyone, but I do hope one day he has one for what he has done to his family.

by madymom 206 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 6:55 AM

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THIS is my ex! He accepts no blame and doesn't understand why his adult children are having a hard time with his affair and impending marriage. Or why most of our friends don't want to have anything to do with him. He just doesn't get it! He tells people he hasn't been happy for years in our marriage. I wish he would have told me that! A year has passed now since he left, and I am now a happy person, and I don't give a damn that he doesn't accept any of the blame. It's not important to me anymore. I've moved on!

by CathyJean 128 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 5:54 AM

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All very true stuff here.

by Newbatdivorce 56 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 1:57 AM

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