Impact of divorce...

Suicide and Me

My suicide. It’s actually my pending suicide. A suicide yet to be committed but will eventually happen.

Before you read my blog on my “pending” suicide, I am asking that you please read my first two blogs “Who I am” and “My life now”. In order for you to understand why I am suicidal and wanting to die, you really need to under who I am and the life I live now. Without knowing this, you will have an incomplete understanding of why I feel the way I do. Please, I am asking that you read my other blogs first.

As you read this blog, you will probably notice that I am talking in a very nonchalantly manner. I don’t mean to talk this way as if suicide is so lacking in value. I fully understand what suicide is and how it impacts others. I have had several people commit suicide that I personally have known. One of them was an employee of mine that shot him self in the head last year. I do understand suicide. I only write about my feelings on suicide this way because it’s the most honest way I can explain it. I hope no one gets offended my this blog.

I wake up every morning disappointed that I’m still alive. I was hoping that I would have died in my sleep. I don’t sleep worth anything anymore so there probably isn’t enough time for me to die in my sleep. I hate my life with a passion and I hate not being who I was. I lost everything that meant anything to me (blog: Who I am). Now I live a horrible nightmare (blog: My life now) that is getting worse by the day and never ends. I have tried everything I can think of and all that others have suggested with zero results to change my life.

I have come to the conclusion that my life can not be changed with out several factors put into place. Here are the factors I need: My daughter in my life on a normal basis. / My identity of who I am restored to me. / Someone physically there in my personal life who actually cares about me (not anything personal like a wife/girlfriend. just a friend, male or female). I need these three things in my life in order to change my life and stop me from the eventual collapse of my emotions that will cause me to commit suicide.

I know who I am and what my limitations are. The loss of my daughter, the loss of my marriage, the loss of my identity, the loss of my life and the life I live now are way to much for me to survive over time. It’s pushing me beyond my limits and will eventually push me to far.

I need help. I don’t need spiritual help, medication help, therapy help, 911 or a suicide hotline. If you have read both my blogs than you know that those types of help will not work on me. Please don't suggest or offer me hotline numbers, they won't work (read blog: Who I am) My feelings of suicide are not based on reasons that can be treated or cured my these type of help.

My help can only come from… My daughter in my life on a normal basis. / My identity of who I am restored to me. / Someone physically there in my personal life who actually cares about me ( I‘m not talking about a girlfriend or wife in this statement. I‘m talking about a friend, male or female. I am also not talking about my wife. She can not help because she caused this and I hate the Bitch).

If I don’t get the help I need soon, I will end up committing suicide. I think about suicide all the time it seems and how / where to do it. I do not want to die! I do not want to live like this! I do not want this pain anymore!

Will I commit suicide today or tomorrow? Most likely not for whatever reason there is. Will I do it in the next few days or weeks? I don’t know. I only know that it’s coming and can’t find the help I need to stop it. I am desperately trying to change and stop it before it does arrive.

by CHRIS36 185 Posts

Posted on 9/25/2008 9:22 AM

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Comments for "Suicide and Me" (32) (You must be logged in to answer)

I have to agree with Trisha on her post - she said what I had been thinking for a while, in addition to my thoughts that you need to stop focusing on the closed doors of happiness in your life because it could end up being detrimental to actually getting custody of your daughter.

You say that you aren't a textbook case and medication, therapy and even intervention hasn't helped yet. How long did you try with the therapy or medication? I ask this because it won't work if you close off and shut down too quickly.

Also, if you aren't a "textbook case" have you thought about more "natural" ways to work through this?

I know it's a bit out there, but find an acupuncturist (normally you can find one in either the phone book or even through a chiropractor), massage therapy, or even a simple chiropractor to do a spine adjustment. It's amazing how actupuncture and chiropractic adjustments can literally help soothe the sould in addition to help you heal your physical being.

It's simply a "way outside the box" idea for someone that says they are "way outside the box" in their problems...it just might be worth a shot if you are open to it!

Good luck though and you are in my thoughts!

by Aimless 1058 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 10:17 AM

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I wish I knew what to tell You! I do know from experience that when you are this point no matter what only you, God , A sheer Miracle is going to change your Mind.

I can tell you what save's me from that next step , Fear of coming back and having to do this all over again the same way until I get correct. ( LIFE) Not completing the task and having to live with yet another thing People to throw in m face , talk about , Fail at. Surviving and being a vegetable laying in a bed for the rest of My day Unable to speak Yet I can hear & see everything around me. Missing out on grandchildren one day. Failing and then being even more depress. Been were you are at done what you are about to do and regrating it every day for the past almost 16 years. I cannot change your mind only can. I will miss you if you succed, I miss Not getting to know you better . ((((Hugs)))) Birdy

by AuntBirdy 189 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 3:38 AM

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Wow. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it or tell you everything's gonna be OK because I'd find that strikingly condescending, were I you.

But I find it uncanny because in October of 2007, someone close to me killed himself, and his name was Chris! Isn't that weird?

All I can tell you about suicide is that I would never do it, because with my luck, the very next day would've been the day it all turned itself around.

Good luck with all that ails you.

by AndreaNostramo 173 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2008 1:14 AM

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Yes, Chris can go to the gym and work on his upper body strength. I was lifting weights at Gold'sGym for 4 years. The handicapped can use the gym. I saw them in there all the time.
He can rake leaves in a wheel chair. I've seen that done before. You use a tarp and rake them on that. Slow but it can be done.
So Chris would have to roll his wheelchair several blocks to get the bus. Sounds easier to me than walking. It would also be good exercise in the fresh clean air and he would be able to go to church. Then he might meet some real friends who wouldn't mind picking him up. If he called a church in the area they might arrange for pick up for him.
Chris I feel for the position you are in. But suicide is not the answer. Sit down make a list and start on what you can do first and go from there. Instead of can't; figure out how. Where is your determination and will power to meet the goal of seeing your daughter on a regular basis?
I know you can do this. The first few steps are the hardest. But after that it should get easier. Start on the easy things first and work to the harder ones. And I do read everything you post. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you well.

by trisha9054 4967 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:46 PM

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Chris, I just got home from work and read all your blogs and I am in shock, frightened and frustrated. I just don't know what to say to make you feel better. I know that everyone had some very good advice and personal insight on suicide but I have a feeling it is falling on deaf ears. I know because I have heard the intense defeat in your voice on the phone. Every avenue you go down to better your situation ....you hit brick walls.To other memebers....no he doesn't have a job because of his medically problems/doctors being in Vegas.....no he can't receive any kind of state or community help because he has not lived in Ca long enough. No...he can't join a gym or help rake leaves because he is in a wheelchair. No....he can't leave his house to go to church etc. because the bus service will not pick you up at the house (even for the disabled) and he would have to roll himself for several blocks to get to the nearest bus stop. He has tried medication and he is also a Christian. I have given you advice, support and love as well as others on 360 but you believe it is absolutley impossible to better your situation . As long as you feel this way it will be.

My heart breaks for you so much. I pray every day that God will shine a light on you and your family so you and them can see his awesome power and beauty. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. I don't believe your being punished either because God has already forgiven you when Jesus died on the cross. Chris, you know I have been where your at and actually did do something about it and you know what??? IT IS THE BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE!!!! I am ashamed of it and wish I could erase it because I should of stood firm in my suffering for my son, my family and most of all God. Please please please don't be upset about this post....I care about you so much. Your my best friend and I just want you to HEAR US ALL AND FIND ANy SHRED OF STRENGTH AND FIGHT FOR YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTERS FUTURE. Always, Christy

by Mypickerisbroken 109 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 9:23 PM

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I am saying this because I care about you!!!

Your divorce is because of your wife. I know she has mental illness and this is not happening because of you!!!!! Your fight right now is to be getting your beautiful little girl right now!!! You never give up on that. Especially like this!!! You don't give up on her. Don't leave her with this in her life. You don't want her to remember you this way!!!!

Friends you can have it if you really want it. Get out there, they are not going to come to you if continue to hide behind these issues, hiding at home. They can not find you. Go out there and show them what a good man you really are!!!!!

You have friends here at d360. That's why you keep coming back on. Don't you dare give up!!!! You said you use to hurt people. You stop doing that and became a better person. You can get through this. Believe it!!!

I believe in you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Valentina 127 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 5:25 PM

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Sorry. I got cut off there. Anyway, my ex would do the things you did and not think twice. EVER. So that's another new identity you have--you're a strong human being with a conscience--you would not believe what a desirable and hard-to-find trait that is these days.

Do your daughter a favor and live.

I don't know if you're spiritual or not, but you are most definitely in my prayers.

Take Care

by marybecca2 807 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 4:59 PM

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Chris. I am truly sorry to hear about what you're experiencing. I don't know what to say... There was a short period in my life following my separation that I thought about suicide. I wasn't as serious about it as you. Now, my religion says suicide is a mortal sin (I'm catholic), but that wasn't what stopped me. It was my 2 daughters that stopped me. They needed me. Their dad was a deadbeat, abusive, destructive son of a bitch. And your daughter needs you too. Even though you may not see her all the time, or get to be with her very much (or at all), she still needs you. Listen when I say this: Children are wonderful that way--when we are in our darkest hour, they are our reason for living, if not our only reason. It may be only 1 reason for living, but by God, it's a powerful one isn't it? If you take your life, you will almost undoubtedly take hers. You won't have to deal with her pain; she'll be left to deal with it alone, always wondering why. She'll have questions that will never be answered, except for maybe lopsided answers from your ex-wife. Things are dark for you right now. But you aren't going to get things back the way they were. You're identity has changed. You're no longer a husband. But one thing you can still hold onto is that you are a DAD--the only one who can take that away from you is YOU. And I know you love that daughter of yours. That's another thing noone can take away from you. See? Two very powerful identities; your a DAD who loves his little girl. Let that be the light of you life right now while you are going through this--and as for your family--who the hell cares what they think about the divorce or anything else in your life...you're a strong, devoted father and person. And about the things you have done in your past, you have to forgive youself--you're not that man anymore. If it's any consolation, my ex is a deadbeat dad. I wish he had half as much self-awareness and compassion for others as you do (ctd)

by marybecca2 807 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 4:56 PM

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ONE STEP CLOSER!

by CHRIS36 185 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 4:26 PM

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the thought of your daughter being alone, without her daddy, should be enough to stop you. I know the pain is immense right now, and unbearable, and too much to deal with most of the time. But Chris, this is a test for you from God. He will never give you more than you can handle. I know we wish He didn't trust us so much to come through, but He does. He KNOWS you are a strong man. He's put a lot on your plate. He trusts you to be strong, believe in Him, and handle yourself the way He's taught you.

Make a list of all your issues....I know you have one, so write it all down. Then, take each one and decided which ones YOU have control over. Believe it or not, when there's something we want bad enough, if you REALLY look at it...you'll find you DO have control over it. You NEED to get your own place. I know people have given you numbers to call, and you don't want those, but Chris, get off your butt and make it your MISSION to seek out help. First you need money. Call every number you can think of, Salvation Army, your local Chamber of Commerce, etc. Once you get some money you can look for a roommate and maybe get out of that house with all your crazy family. I hate to say it, but once you move out, it's almost impossible to move home again, add to that your divorce, wheelchair situation, missing your daughter, and everything else, and ANYONE would be depressed my friend!!! Pick up your head and keep forging on. Once we get through this divorce crap life WILL get better!!! I am certain!!! Call me k. Take care and God Bless!!

by teachermatti 119 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 2:06 PM

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Chris, We haven't talked in a while, seems every time I call you it goes directly to voice mail. Anyway, I just want you to know I'm still here. I HAD to take a break from reading all the negativity about divorce here.....there's so much going on in my life right now, not just the divorce, but my granddaughter, fighting for my daughters custody of her, my job...huge responsibility, buying a house and trying to start over....the divorce is just something I chose not to focus on right at the moment so I could deal with the other issues....and ya know what...it actually helped! I found that the more I focused on it the sadder I was. But by cutting that out for a while, I felt better. I dunno....I guess some people could say I "avoided it" but I don't really care. It helped. So lets talk about this suicide thing. First, I guess I should tell you, I too have had these thoughts....even still do at times. And like you, I have no idea how, when, where, or any other detail of what I'd do, I just know I've thought about it. How it would end all the pain, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. You say you've dealt with suicide before. Think about how it made you feel. The pain. The heartache. The unanswered questions. My grandfather committed suicide, hung himself, and the affect it had on our entire family was immense. My mom died in 2000 of a massive heart attack. I will never forget my sister showing up at my house to tell me, opening the door, shaking, falling to the floor, crying loudly, the week following, trying to make decisions about the funeral, etc. What a painful thing to go through. I KNOW you don't want that for your daughter. My mom died of natural causes, if you committed suicide, you daughter would always wonder, was it me, something I did or didn't do, did he love me, etc. Chris, I KNOW you need her right now...and in order to get her you need to get it together. Pick yourself up daily. Keep going. I know I can't stop you.....(cont.)

by teachermatti 119 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 1:51 PM

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I know I can't change your mind in a blink - no one could have changed mine. Imagining my child growing up wondering if Daddy (or Mommy) died because he/she didn't love her enough was the ONE thing that did it for me. There was absolutely no other reason. It's for her. She will never get over it, and you cannot imagine what future interactions with her could be like. Each year I look at my kids and think, I would have missed out on all of this. It's not easy, not fun, not easy to explain, but it's necessary for your child to have a father. Just do this one day at a time. Every morning, when you try to think of a reason to live, ask yourself if you want to live for your daughter. Screw everything else. Imagine those little arms holding tight around your neck. She doesn't care about your past, your failings, she only cares that you feel, smell, and sound like her daddy. I still remember how my dad used to smell. He's still alive but we didn't see him enough, and at forty, I still cry about it.

Please. Please.

by Melinda-Roberts 66 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 1:14 PM

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Hi Chris, I am so sorry for what you are going through.. we are here for you at divorce360. I have a question. Do you have a job? I was just wondering because I was thinking that if you did, you might be able to work and make enough money to get yourself out of that family home and into a place of your own, which might help...... your own bed, your own tv and privacy too. You could even look into splitting an apartment with someone else and that might be of some comfort at least to get into somewhere better than where you are right now. Secondly, if you want to fight for custody or partial custody, you need to have a job to show that you can help support your daughter. You are going through alot of changes in your life right now and it's just so much to have to deal with all at once. Try taking small steps, a little bit at a time, regaining some confidence in yourself and getting back on your own feet. Maybe you can go out and enjoy something that you like to do, such as going to the gym or to a bookstore with a coffee shop and start talking to others and make some new friends. I hope that you start feeling better soon. I will be here on divorce 360 as others if you need us.

by deborah-trevino 1099 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 12:42 PM

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I tried them. When I said that spiritual, medication, therapy, 911 and hotline numbers won't work, it was because I had already tried them. I got the same results over and over, treatment without results. It's because they are not designed to treat every form of depression or suicidal feelings. They, like everything, have limitations. I tried them and it failed because I am me, not a text book case or standard format.

I should have never been me. I was put up for adoption when I was born because I was consider a reminder of what happened to my mother. Mother mother should had just aborted me instead so she wouldn't be minded of her pain and I wouldn't have to have my pain!!!

by CHRIS36 185 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 12:08 PM

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Chris I read your other posts and I also know how you feel. I felt like committing suicide for a long time after my husband left me for a younger woman. My daughter was 4 at the time. One thing kept me from doing it--one only--MY DAUGHTER. You owe it to your daughter to live. It does not matter if you see her right now--she will know or find out and it will destroy her childhood, possibly her entire life. Even if the courts don't permit you to see her, even if your wife gets custody, the effect on a child of a parent who commits suicide is HUGE. That child is much more likely to commit suicide herself one day. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR DAUGHTER TO LIVE. You said you did a lot of bad things to people in your life, if you kill yourself you will be doing the worst thing possible to the person you love the most, hurting her forever and ever. If you decide to live, get help, get on with your life you have a chance to establish a relationship with her in the future. For all you know your wife could drop dead tomorrow and you would get her. If you die you will be putting a nail in her coffin as well as yours. You say your wife is crazy., You owe it to your daughter to be there for her--to keep trying for custody or visitation so you can be a loving father to her. Get off the pity pot and do something for someone who needs you--that little girl..

by EricaManfred 289 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 12:02 PM

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Chris, I read your posts and I am sorry for your pain. All I can tell you is that life is not static. What you are experiencing today, the loss of your identity as a parent and husband, the living situation which is making things more difficult, the clear haunting you feel from your past, this is not static. As you probably experienced in leaving behind your old life all those years ago, things can change and change quickly. Yes, ending it is always an option. I had to come to terms with that when a close friend, a single mom, lost her beautiful 16 year old daughter, her best friend, her reason for living, to cancer. I had to accept that my friend might not want to live anymore. But she made the decision to keep going and has touched many lives since. You can, too. As long as you wake up every morning and take a breath, you have the opportunity to change your situation and to touch others in a positive way. You have the opportunity of modeling for your daughter, whether she sees it at this moment or not, how one reaches their lowest point, and comes back up for air again to make things better. Day by day, Chris, day by day. I am a believer in help of all kinds, but the kind of help that is the most critical is the help you can offer yourself but holding on to hope for new possibilities, for change, for a rebuilding of life in a new and even better way.

by GirlfriendsGuidetoDivorce 355 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:49 AM

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And I did read your other posts...which is why I tried to come up with something that did include why you are where you are at and who you really are...

I just hope you can take the words I wrote and know that it is coming from a caring soul...who has followed your plight from the 1st post to this one...

by Aimless 1058 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:35 AM

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This may come across as harsh, but it is not my intention, so here goes...

Do you know the ramifications of refusing to go get any sort of help by way of therapy, church, medication or hospital (if necessary) in regards to getting your daughter back? You will never get your daughter if you keep going this way and refusing any and all other venues of help except for your list of things that will keep you from suicide.

And I'm not even focusing on whether or not you actually commit suicide because you don't have any of the 3 things you think will help you. If you are actively refusing all options for help - which you adamantly state in this post - and if it gets back to your wife or family members, you run the risk of NEVER seeing her again as you will be seen as mentally unstable. This is UNLESS you seek help outside of your list of "absolutes".

You have to get out of that house and meet people to actually get to a point of gaining one of your goals of having someone "there" for you in the physical presence. You cannot keep staying there in the room you are in. Go to a church service, even if you are not practicing any religion, and it will at least give you other human bodies to speak to.

I know this pain all too well...honestly I do...but you CANNOT get what you want to be happy if you refuse to open the door to other possibilities to get there. You are closing off all help that is being offered, even by people on this site, and not opening up to options that will help you get what you want out of life.

There is a saying by Hellen Keller and I hope you read this over and over and over again, knowing that it is said out of genuine caring...

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Read it over and over and over again...you are focusing on the cl

by Aimless 1058 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:32 AM

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Chris, You know that I know exactly how you feel, except that I actually went through with it and took the pills and ended up in the hospital. After having several days to think about what I did, I realized that I really didn't want to die, I was SCREAMING to the world that I was in pain, that I was here and I hurt and I wanted to be loved. I received a lot of support from my friends here on d360 and I am looking at things differently now. I am not going to let the actions of others bring me down to a level where I don't want to live anymore. Why should I be the one to die? So they can come and dance and piss on my grave and have the last laugh? I am living MY life. If my mom nags at me, I just let her talk and I tune her out. When she is done nagging, nothing has changed. When my stbx calls, I don't answer the phone anymore. I delete his e-mail. You are here for a reason and that is your daughter. I use to think that if I committed suicide that my family would grieve and cry for a few days and then go on with their lives. But then I think back four years to when my daddy died in my arms and I still have not gotten over his passing. Don't do that to your daughter. She loves you, she needs you. You are the only father she will ever have. I know now that my taking those pills that night was me being selfish in trying to take away my own pain. But I would have only been passing my troubles and pains along for those I left behind to handle. You are a good man and a strong man. You can get through this. Start thinking about the positive things in your life. Throw the negative thoughts away. You have the most valuable gift anyone could ever have to live for and that is your daughter. I have my flashlight lit for you, just look down the tunnel and you will see it. Stay strong my friend.

by Cheydara 371 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:27 AM

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I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this blog and reply to it. I do value the replies.

I knew that some would reply without reading my other blogs as I suggested and as a result some would not understand my feelings of suicide. People are people.

by CHRIS36 185 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:27 AM

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This may not be a popular perspective but I think that you have a choice. Every day you have chosen not to commit suicide says that you choose. And every day that you choose not to is one day closer to where you will make a difference in your daughter's life. It may not be soon, it may not even be until she's a grown woman. But if you choose to stay you are making the choice to be there for her on whatever day it finally comes that she can freely come to you. Meanwhile, you can make the choice of how you spend your time until that day arrives. You can wallow, or you can choose to do something worthwhile. Maybe you can write a book for other people going through this, that is what I finally had to do. Or maybe you can do something simple like help your neighbor rake leaves. Be of service to someone else, you will find that those little purposes add up and make being here important again. It's a choice, and each of us actually make it every single day.

by DK-Simoneau 189 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:08 AM

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Just a thought but write your daughter letters and send piuctures and goodie bags and anything else you can think of. My friend's son is in Ohio and he's in CA so he cannot see his son much and when he does the mother makes it very difficult. Some what like your situation, however he write's his son ever week and he is old enough to get packages himself and such. If the mother opens the mail first - we'll think about this "federal offense"!

I always say, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on truck'n". There's always light at the end of a tunnel but sometimes with all the twists and turns it may feel that there isn't. You have to get through the twists and turns to see the light and fight with all your might to get to it.

Hang tight for these twists and turns sound strong!

by RocketWoman 66 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 11:03 AM

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Chris~
You know how I feel......You keep coming here and venting ALL you need to, I know your liiving situation right now is a BIG part of this.....But there are guys here who can give you advice from a different perspective that a woman can't.....And I know you still appreciate the women here, thats not what I mean....
Like I have told you before.....she will not be little forever, thee day will come when she will be sble to use her own voice....You never know whats around the corner for you!
Hang in there sweetie!!!!

Mama Ter

by __STRIKER__ 1399 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 10:51 AM

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Chris, My friend, you do need a little help.

Our situations sound rather similiar. Not long ago, my ability to see my daughter was... not curtailed, but too limited. Added to this was my belief that my ex, with whom I had my daughter, was a pitiful excuse for a parent who was letting my child get injured (2 broken arms in her mother's care) and not being mindful. I went through heavy periods of depression over this a while back. Every now and then, I still get angry or upset about it. Between child support, irregular visits, money woes, and everything else... yes, it can back up on you. You can definitely alienate yourself, and I know, because for a little while, I did.

How did I get out of it? I'm not sure. I know that I did read a lot, self-help, parenting magazines, and such. I stayed away from depressing news. I saw people that helped me to regain self-esteem. I tried working out - even yoga. I developed new interests. Most importantly, I never took my eye off the prize - being able to see my daughter regularly, on something closer to my terms. Then I went to arbitration, and I won. Never forget this simple fact: if you decide to commit suicide, YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR DAUGHTER ALIVE AGAIN. You won't get to see her grow up, guide her through crushes, ferry her though bad times, or give her a hug. She'll never watch Hannah Montana with you again. She might have pictures of you, but no context.

Read some of my blog posts. Read "The Empty Room." Read about the things that I want to tell my daughter about. Do you really want to miss that? Finally, just make an effort. Without that effort, you have nothing. It's not unusual, weird, or abnormal for a person to think about suicide, but it's tragic for a person to do it.

Finally, you need to try to do something to help you sleep. Once you stop sleeping, you can get irrational, believe me. And once you get like that, anything can happen. White noise. Reading about Buddhism. Buying a puppy. Anything.

by Adrian-Clark 67 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 10:48 AM

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I knew it was time to get help when, as I was driving across a bridge, I thought about how easy it would be to drive off. How everyone's life would be better if I weren't in it. That was more than 10 years ago, when I was in the middle of a divorce from a man diagnosed with three personality disorders. He lied to me constantly, sent me into near bankruptcy and screwed everything that moved. I thought I was going crazy. It was like a bad talk show episode. Today, I'm out of debt, happily single and professionally successful. Every time I think about that moment on the bridge, I'm glad I called a therapist and got some medication to ease my burden. It didn't take away the pain, but it did give me the strength to crawl out of that hole I was in. You need to talk to someone now. I know it feels bad, I have been there. But there are people who care about you. And you have a child to think about. This is an incredible burden to foist on that child for life. Imagine never getting to see your child graduate or go to college. Imagne all those holidays you'll miss. Please get help. This article -- http://www.divorce360.com/articles/597/suicide-prevention-and-divorce.aspx -- has a number to call. Use it. I promise it will get better. And you'll be glad you stuck around.

by Flagirl 288 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2008 10:40 AM

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