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my ex stole my parenting experience  

i wrote this sentence in a comment to someone here about kids..."my ex stole my parenting experience away from me and from my kids."

 

i wrote it and couldn't really believe what i wrote and then hesitated before hitting submit.

 

i was up all night thinking about it.

 

it's true.

 

he did.  he stole the whole parenting experience away from me.  he stole the parent i was hoping to be for my kids.  we're all missing out... (not that i'm saying i was going to be the worlds best parent and he made me into the worlds worst).

 

but kind of.

 

he left when they were 1 and 2 years old.  i was a nervous mother to begin with and his walking out made me worse. 

 

he left and the parent i thought i was going to be, the parenting experience i thought my kids were going to have left with him. 

 

they were supposed to have a stay at home, involved, PTA president mom and a hands on, devoted dad.

 

they got a stressed out, exhausted, passed out by 8pm, full-time working single mom and a dead beat dad.

 

 

 

 

by paula1  12662 Posts 

Posted on 8/5/2008 9:53 AM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
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Tags: parenting
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Comments for "my ex stole my parenting experience "  (13) (You must be logged in to answer)
Did you ever think that he gave you a gift?  Maybe he gave you a gift of being a much more concientious parent than you might have been if you'd been a 24/7 mom.  Maybe because sometimes your kids are away, you think more about how to be when they are with you.  Maybe you have become a much stronger role model of a survivor than your kids would have ever known had you not divorced. Maybe your kids are going to know a lot more about what kind of partner they will want to seek out later in life because they learn from your not so great choice......it may be a beautiful gift after all.  Just thoughts...........
by DK-Simoneau   189 Posts
Posted on 4/4/2009 2:13 PM
0



I think this is such a hard thing to deal with.  I called my ex dead beat dad of the year....he got furious, but it's how I feel.  He stole the family experience that my sons deserves . With vacations, and family portraits.  He took it away and doesn't even realize it because he's never spent more than 2 minutes thinking about the serious consequences of his actions.  He doesn't understand that by doing this he has probably just signed our kid up for years of therapy that I will have to pay for.
by candice   16 Posts
Posted on 4/4/2009 1:19 PM
0



And see? now you're the stressed out belle of the ball!  Don't forget to take time and enjoy.  Enjoy your life, because stressful or not, it's good, and love your kids, cuz they'll always bring out the best in you.  Well, except when you find out what they did with the finger paints in the kitchen...  ;)
by Robert-Boyd   5134 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 2:55 PM
0



thank you all for writing.  you're all right.  if he hadn't left, i would have moved hours away from friends and family and then he would have been unemployed within a year (again).

we probably would have divorced at that point and i would have been out of the job market even longer at that point....away from my support group, probably deep in debt, and my kids would have been more aware of what was happening.

that would have been worse.
by paula1   12662 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 2:37 PM
0



Paula, I know what you mean. For me though I felt like less of a parent when I lived with my STBX. He sucked the happiness and life right out of me. While I lived with him I don't think my kids ever got to see the best in me because I was so unhappy, now I have the opportunity to show them who the real me is! It is so overwhelming being a single parent and once in a while I get the single parent blues. You've given such good advice to everyone here, I can tell what a kind and caring person you are. Your kids are lucky to have you for a mom.
by mominny   219 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 1:26 PM
0



Paula, I agree with Rob. If he'd stayed you might still be having issues and problems and now you have the children witnessing it all.
That was my situation and now I wonder how my teens have been affected. I pray that not much. I talk to them about how to treat a spouse and partner. And what they saw was wrong and hope that they see that,  and not repeat the pattern.

I am going to do what ever I can to make sure that our little one has as stable a life as possible. Two happy homes will be better than one really bad one. He will get to enjoy both of his parents and with out the stress and arguing and drama.

I have to work on myself and not let this keep me from being the best mom I can possibly be.
Children do become a product of their environment and I refuse to let my child be a product of a bad one.
by asim   775 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 1:13 PM
0



My heart dropped when I read this. You and your children deserve much better than you got from that guy. I have 3 girls and my husband disrespects me as a woman and a mother in front of my children. I do the same when I have had enough which doesnt happen that often. But when it does I know we have hurt our kids more than each other that's one reason I want to leave. Your children are young enough for you to make plans to be that mom you want to be and I believe you will. Don't let your fears win!!!
by livingthedream   16 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 1:12 PM
0



You never know though Paula.  I think that things have a way of working out for the best.  I mean you had a great ideal, but who's to say the real would have been any better if your husband hadn't stole it than it is now?  It's quite possible your kids could have still had a stressed out mom and a dead beat dad.  They'd just be living together instead.  What's important is what you make for your kids now.  No matter how stressed, you sound like a loving mom.  I don't think your kids could have asked for anything better.
by Robert-Boyd   5134 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 12:45 PM
0



Myself and my friends all grew up in very different situations and let me assure you none of us are "better off" than the others. We all have our issues, they are just different. You are perfectly capable of being a fantastic mother in your situation. Believe in yourself. I believe in you :)
by itmustbeme   422 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 11:55 AM
0



Oh those dreaded questions!! I know you will handle them ok though.  I dont ever remember ever hearing you saying anything really negative about your X.  And you have been a constant pilar of support to so many of us, I know that shines onto your kids as well.
  We all feel robbed of something or another with our divorces. Your feelings are shared by many of others. 
 As long as we love our kids, do the best we can for them and always be there when they need us to be. The kids will be ok.  It is unfair as youknowit said.  To many people end up suffering for 1 persons happiness and a free life of responsibilities.  Take this and turn it into a positive for the kids. Show them what needs to be seen on unconditional love and respect. You make your commitment to them as a mom and you keep it. If he fails as a father, thats on him. Not you!!
You take care!
**huggs**
by Branny   838 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 11:25 AM
0



I am sorry you feel this way.  It is surely not easy.  I fear this type of thing if my husband and I do decide to split.  We are woman and we are strong, so I have to believe you will be okay as I am sure I will.
by wow9cats   394 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 10:08 AM
0



Youknowit you're right on all counts.  i do what i can so they don't experience any of this ick. i never say a negative word about him or the entire situation.  but you can feel it.  they may be little, but they know that something is not right.  they haven't started asking questions yet.  but they're coming.
by paula1   12662 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 9:58 AM
0



Your life sounds tough. i couldn't agree more that it's completely unfair for kids to be stuck in this situation.  good for you for trying to be a good mom and remember that what you say and do are the things that your kids will remember.
by Youknowit   22 Posts
Posted on 8/5/2008 9:55 AM
0





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