Wing Slapping Dilbert 

My mind's in holiday mode. I should be writing a really cool blog that everybody will print and pin to their cubie wall when they go back to work Tuesday. You know, something to cover last Thursday's Dilbert? I think you should wait. Maybe Tomorrows blog will be a better print. Then again, Thursday's Dilbert? Why did you clip that anyway? It wasn't that good.

Great! Now look what I've done! I'm stuck waiting for you all to go Google Dilbert clips, and I can't continue until you get back. This is just like third grade again when Monte Wallace brought the skunk. Oh he thought it was funny at first, but it only distracted everyone, and by the end of the day it just stank. So did Monte. I think that was more about hygiene than skunk though. He smelled so bad, the teacher stuck Monte in the hall a lot.

See? I told you, wait until tomorrow. That's ok, you're still looking for Dilbert. Fine I'll wait, then you can take your tomato juice baths. I'll wait. I'll talk more about Monte.

No I won't. I didn't like Monte. He stank. That's ok, you should hear the things he said about me! I'll wait till you get back to make my point though. See, just like Monte and Dilbert, the point I'm trying to make is all funk and distraction. Really I'm just a 3 card Monte dealer distracting you with cartoon candy over my lima bean reality. I knew if I mentioned Marmaduke, you'd never look. Garfield? Only for the cuddly people. Dilbert, now that's somebody who speaks to all of us.

Well all except me. I work at home. His Drew Carey charms are lost on me. I'm impervious to cubie humor cuz I have no cubie. I'm also immune to For better or Worse too. Family humor is like street mime fare: I don't get it. We all gravitate towards what we know. We love the things that reflect our lives. Write me a comic about a guy working alone going through a divorce and that's comedy gold.

I guess that's why I don't understand why the 3 of you continue to read. You're not Rob. What makes you stay when MyEx wouldn't? How am I 3 reader Robby? I'm not novel enough to keep the ADD crowd riveted without a gun.

"Ow! My thigh!"

"It'll keep you in the chair. Just a precaution."

How could people possibly identify? They can't, yet there you are printing me on the company Xerox so I can go up next to Frank from accounting's butt. That's scary--and yes, the butt is scary too, but I'm not looking. I'm butting this other thing. I mean how did I miss the "Rob is likable" memo? I know that since the divorce I regained the right to be my own worst critic, but am I that skewed? Am I that likable?

No…

Way…

Apparently way. Why? How? Please tell me this isn't a Hannah Montana fascination of a freak show anomaly. Is there a real reason people like me? What's crazy is that Hannah and I are not the only fish head eaters asking that question. We all question ourselves, especially after the divorce. Well, most sane people don't compare themselves to Hannah Montana, but most sane people don't look as much like a 15 year old girl as I do.

Here's the thing though. Divorce makes us all feel rejected. Even the ones doing the rejecting wonder, "Why isn't this person, the person I married? What have I done to change them?" Oh yeah, there are those few exceptions. Those few who don't ask the questions. But then again, their the same few who find Benny Hill complex and sophisticated. They'll never get it.

The self doubt is the worst thing because it mucks our inner mirror. Tear stains and hand smudges make the distorted face we see seem unlovable. We hide ourselves in the shadows, avoiding others' gazes.

"Don't look at me! I'm Hideous!"

It's horrible. We slink from those who show us our true selves. We spurn the ones who love us for who we are, because we can't see who we are for ourselves. When I was a kid I read about the ugly duckling. It was such a hard story, because for me, beautiful swan or not, the sad swimmer was still an ugly duckling. That would never change. He'd also have been an lousy goose, and would probably have made a lumpy pillow. Particularly if you don't pluck him first.

What it took was the right people with the right perspective around him. Somebody to wing slap him into shape.

"you're a swan, dummy!"

I guess I am an ugly duckling, and a bad husband for MyEx. Still, I am an attractive something, and maybe even a good husband for somebody else. I don't see that because I haven't seen them yet. And Yet, 3 of you think I'm better than last Thursday's Dilbert. I've been too busy shunning people to notice. I've got this muddy inner window and no Windex. Maybe I just need a good wing slap.