narcissistic spouse 

To a narcisist everyone around them is merely a mirror to reflect back to them how great they are - they need this external 'supply' as they are empty inside. The probem starts when a 'mirror' begins to show more realistic images which displeases the narcisist. As you are only a mirror - you are not seen as an individual only as a reflective object - the narcisist reacts by trying to break the mirror. They will not see you as anything more, the more you try the more they will feel scared and persue their 'justified' line to annihilate you. The narcisist wants to survive and can only do this with controlling positive projections of themselves - so, by you reflecting realistic images they see you as trying to destroy them not help them see reality or giving them the opportunity to develop.

My advice is to leave - for your own surival and do not go back - no matter how 'charming' your partner appears. They only want you there to reflect, nothing more nothing less - they will manipulate/control/charm/bully/harass - but they will never truely take responsibility for the problems in your relationship...because all the problems are, and forever will be,  your fault.

Wow, Trisha & DNM.  I am starting to think that  my husband is this type.   My therapist says he has some definite narcissitic traits.   Although, he can be very nice to me and the family at times.

I had a huge problem with my car yesterday (I left it parked somewhere) and we went to check it out and get it towed to the dealer today.    When the issue happened on Sat (loud noise - engine light came on) I pulled the car aside and stopped.   I called my father, because lol .. I trust him more .. and i.e husb had worked overtime & was sleeping only a few hrs & I didn't want to wake him).  My dad suggested at the time, that I fill up the oil, if it was low, which it was, only about 1/2 a quart.   My oldest son came to pick me up & we put some oil in.

Well, when we went back there today ...my husband discovered that we had filled the oil, slightly too high and he flipped out on me ..calling me a f'ing idiot .. etc.   (What a hostile lunatic .; I am done here ;;)    He claimed the dealer would charge me with screwing up the car, etc.   all kinds of stuff.

Hours later, he justifies his response tonight .. stating I should have called him & I was an idiot .. thus he has the right to verbally abuse me!   This led to a silent standoff!   (He kept implying .. that I was so wrong .. that he was justified! ) IS THIS NUTS OR WHAT?

I need to file soon .. I can't take this much longer .. but it is bizarre that he can totally justify his behavior.  How is it possible?  I don't get it.

Hi food-
Trisha's right on. 
I had 23 years of "if you would only do what I do, you'd be okay"

I never knew when I married "Mr. Right" that his first name was "Always".

DNM

I was married to one for 33 years. There are a few of us on here. You are hitting a brick wall. Everything I have read says get out and don't look back. They have to want to change and since they are always right they don't see any reason to change. They believe everyone thinks like them so they must be okay. I got out and wish I had done it sooner but I had no idea there were such people. I do now.