Down to the wire now.... 

Well...the clock is clicking down to my 10th wedding anniversary and Sunday, the 20th of July is the magic day.  How wonderful.  It's marked on every calendar I have in my house and listed on every one I have access to on my computer.  Not that I'm likely to forget this date...

I have so many mixed emotions about this upcoming anniversary, but if I'm going to be honest here I have to admit that the primary feeling I'm experiencing is overwhelming sadness.  Just writing in this journal now has reduced me to tears, and I can barely see what's on the screen.

10 years....wow.  I've wasted 10 years of my life on a marriage that turned out to be nothing more than a gigantic lie - a joke with an official certificate tied to it making it legal.  I guess that means I legally wasted all these years....smile.  If I were younger, perhaps the amount of time lost wouldn't be such a crucial event; but I'm not younger...I'm in the 'past middle-age' arena now, and I know that the chances of walking into the twilight of my life with my soul mate are slim to none.  I know that sounds incredibly pessimistic, and I'm not trying to be that way....I'm only attempting to look at my life with a bit of pragmatism. After all, if my expectations are kept to a minimum there's far less opportunity for them to fall short of reality.

Sigh....I need to stop here before I ruin my keyboard.  It won't work too well if my tears fall in-between the keys - and I count on my computer to keep me connected with the outside world.  Perhaps I'll try this again later when the memories aren't so vivid - and so painful.