I'm a turn-off to my husband 

It is easy when your on the out side looking in and I should take my own advise, but it is real hard because I have seen what divorce can do to children from the relationships that my sisters have been in and I have not made the decision yet. I feel in side me that she is getting attention from someone else but I have no proof and I hate to make a move without any. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I should worry about it at all. Sometimes I feel I should just leave it in GOD's hands and if she is I will find out sooner or later. When we have sex it's just that no feeling, hugging, kissing, caressing, just hurry up and when she's done them i'm done. Real cold and it hurts me so much that I hate to say that because it makes me sound stupid but that is the way I feel.

What you describe are the kinds of things that my husband used to do for me. And by the sounds of it, it seems as though you're doing all the right things for your wife...except she just doesn't know what she wants. You must pay attention to your own recommendations as well. You also need to take care of yourself at this stage.

You made a statement of "I don't want to hurt him" but what about you and how he has hurt you. Like I said before you have to think about your feelings as well. I know we need to treat others as we want to be treated but when you have done that and much more that is when it needs to stop and you need to take care of you because he won't and you shouldn't have to beg for attention. I guarantee the second you put yourself out there you will have all the attention you want and need, you should not be the chaser but the chasse. So many women forget that they have wants and needs to and when they let their spouse know he should act on it quickly actually he should not have to be told he should be taking care of that already if he loves he. I myself am at the end of my rope, I just don't know what she wants anymore. I am the bring home flowers just because, little notes telling you how I feel and want to do to you later, taking you away for dinner after work, starting a the water for you and washing your back, bringing you water at bedtime so you don't have to walk downstairs, hold you at night just to tell you I LOVE YOU and mean it. Most of all to hold, caress, touch, and feel you when we are making love Not screwing as I am used to being asked when used to be asked a long time ago type of guy. So remember there are good guys out there that will put your feelings and emotions before theirs and actually listen to you about your day and care about how people treat you. I can tell you all about my wife's work for the past 5 years and who her co-workers are and even problems they have with their spouses but she can't even tell you the name of the other manager I work with for the last 13 years. Well I hope you have a great day because you deserve it.

Wow, that's so profound. You're right. I just haven't faced my own feelings and I haven't been honest with myself. Trust me when i say that it helps to hear someone else say it like it is. Perhaps we both need to go separate ways. It's hard to let go because I care about him so much and I don't want to hurt him.

We have a counseling session coming-up Thursday. I hope that I get the opportunity to discuss these feelings.

To me it sounds like you love him your just not IN LOVE with him. It has got to the point where he doesn't really excite you and your trying to feel something that isn't there anymore you are just having a hard time getting use to it. Stop chasing him and move on, he'll do one of two things, Follow you or let you go and in my opinion he will let you go.

Well, our date turned out to be average. Although we enjoyed each other's company over lunch and had a few laughs from seeing the movie 'Get Smart,' I had a hard time feeling the connection.

At times it was awkward and uncomfortable because I think he was so uneasy that it made me feel a little odd. I think he's trying but not hard enough and I'm afraid that I'm loosing my patience.

I'm curious if anyone's attempting separation to help work on the marriage and not proceed to divorce?

Thanks BBear for keeping me grounded. There is afterall a reason why I moved out. And this is the main reason.

He's coming by tomorrow. We're planning to spend the day together. I'm hoping that we'll feel a connection.

It will make him rise for occasion, but if he does not desire you it will only be SEX and not making LOVE.

You know, I've asked him before if he was gay and he says he's not. Hummmm, sometimes I wonder if he uses porn to convince himself that he's not.

Well...thank you for the sweet compliments. It surely boosts my self-esteem. Trust me when I say that he thinks he's a fool to feel the way he does because he says to me regularly how much he finds me attractive and beautiful, yet he does not get turned on by me. 

Maybe he's going through andropause?? You think viagra would help?

Z.... I say start watching your own porn in front of him....let him squirm and the next time you are in therapy and you guys are talking about your marriage just blurt out  I think my husband is GAY. You have tried all the moves and you are pretty and the fact that you are busting your ass trying to please him shows you love him. So whats the hold up? Maybe you should get a strap on and THEN seduce him.   All joking aside, I hope you do what is best for you. I hate to see divorce but  if he isn't willing to work and your emotional well being is at risk it might be for the best. BUT if he is willing to meet you half way good things can happen for ya.

  LOL slip him a VIAGRA and see what happens!!

I definitely agree with blee, you are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be respected, wanted, seduced, courted but most of all LOVED not just because of the way you look but the steps you have taken to show your husband how much he means to you by trying to help him with his "Sickness". I'm sorry! but if you have a wife that looks like you and goes to these great lengths to keep you satisfied, loved and fulfilled but yet you still don't desire her and would rather have a porn site then yeah you are SICK. You are trying way to hard for this undeserving man. Stop trying to fulfill his needs and just keep it from him, he will then want you and then thats when you only let him nibble every now and then and he will then want a bite but stand strong and only give the nibble soon one of two things will happen. He will corner you and totaly rip your clothes off and have a desire for you like never before or he will not even try or find someone else and I hope he hasn't already. Remember marriage is a two way street with repairs(children) that require attention along the way you have to be taken care of as well and it really makes me angry that most men don't realize and thank GOD for who they have in their lives until they are gone. So with all that being said leave him alone and take it out of your hands and put it into GODs and let it go and if it comes back to you then it's yours and if it doesn't it never was. Please don't forget who you are and that your important and have needs as well. 

Just going by your avatar, there is something you should do for your husband.... first have his head checked for severe brain damage, then have that boy go get his eyes checked.  You are hardly a turn-off.  If he still doesn't think your hot, he needs to go ahead and have himself committed.

Well Branny said what I was going to suggest.  I think too many of us get caught in the rut, I know I have been guilty of it.  And, if we can't live out our fantasies with the person we're with, then we need to be with somebody else.  We all have lots of distractions and things that make us tired every single day.  But without intimacy, there IS no marriage, and no connection.  Go get him, zfanatic, if you want him.  And if he can't do it, well, you know what to do.

I'm sorry to hear that you can relate because I know how painful it is.

You bring-up a tough question. He's been addicted to porn since he was in his teens. So I guess the answer is that he lost the desire to be intimate with me before the flame extinguished. And once it did, porn was a natural fall-back.

He says that he no longer dabbles in it, but I have a hard time believing him on this.

We're trying very hard to make this work, except it's just getting a little uncomfortable. As you know it's hard to for yourself to "want" someone else. Just like its nearly impossible to make yourself be fearful or laugh. There's got to be some sort of stimulus.

I understand how it feels to have your husband prefer a fantasy to his own reality.  I am still shaking my head after discovering my husbands "secret life" six months ago.

Ask yourself, did he loose the desire to be intimate with you before he discovered porn, or after?  In my situation the flame flickered before and porn just filled a gap and took over his life.
 
I am sorry you are feeling lonely right now, it hurts to put it all out there and have someone make other choices.  I really hope you find peace in your life in whatever path you choose.  It sounds as though you are both doing the footwork needed to discover what matters to you as individuals.  Best of luck on your journey

Branny, I like your idea about letting him find me on a porn site. I would just love to see his reaction then!

Honey, I have given it my all: lap dances, shows, role playing, toys, sexy lingerie, location -- you name it, I've tried it. I've even suggested that we integrate porn in our relationship, but he refuses. Frankly, I enjoy it myself, but somehow it simply paralyzes him if I even bring-up the subject.

I've always been the initiator in our relationship and for once, I'd love to turn the table and enjoy being courted and seduced.

I believe that his problem is that he thrives on the idea that porn is "taboo," and if I'm incorporated in his fantasy then it just kills it for him. He has serious issues.

Have you thought of showing him another side of you? Maybe seduce him and see where that goes? Not that he is right in what he has said. You hear alot of men who start looking at their wives as everything BUT women. We become the friend, the mother of their children, the maids everything but sexy, lust worthy and yes I will say it.....DIRTY GIRLS.  Maybe there is a fantasy you would like to act out with him? If so.... go for it. As for the porn, burst in on him.... sit down beside him and say  oooooo wow, I wish you would do that to me sometime. Even the look on his face should give you a good giggle if nothing else.  Check out a few porn sites yourself and let him find you on them. Give what you got and see what it does to HIS self esteem & libido.  If all else fails..... at least he will have an inkling of how you feel & you will be able to say you gave it your all & tried EVERYTHING to please him

You guys are just awesome! I never thought I would get so much encouragement from the members on this site.  Thank you so much.

I truly think I have given this marriage a chance. I've told myself that by August, if things don't improve, that I will need to move to the next step, which is break free from from the relationship and file for divorce. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage, but it sure helps keep a close bond with your spouse.

Most of all you have to remember that you did nothing wrong and this is not just your fault. Don't feel the need to just satisfy him and not yourself you have needs and wants as well. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" So take a look at yourself and love yourself for who you are and remember your worth it and you don't have to settle being second best. As a husband I would be putting your needs in front of mine in hopes that when you are satisfied and happy you will do the same for me in return. Remember "Take Care Take Charge and GOD will richly Bless You"

Oh! And wear something that you feel confident and sexy in.  That way you will feel great!  Take a deep breath, and just put yourself out there.  If he can't handle it, it's on him.  The problem isn't with you anyway, it's in his head.  He's desensitized himself with all that other junk, and doesn't know what's real anymore.  Either way, whatever happens, good luck to you

I'll take your advice on making a nice dinner and drinks. Hopefully we'll be able to relax. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Wow I feel for you.  That's a tough thing to try and schedule, so good luck to you.  Make a nice dinner and drinks, relax and see where it takes you, if you can.  And, if that just doesn't work, then try and decide to move on if need be.  You can't live that way

I love the idea that "success is the best revenge." Thank you for enlightening me with this concept. I must remind myself that this is a time for me to care for myself and keep my chin high--even during difficult times. I'm going to keep this thought in mind.

Fortunately we are both seeking individual therapy with different counselors and we are also seeing a marriage counselor. We both have our own issues that need to be addressed individually and we have trust issues (among others) that we need to work on as a couple.

Unfortunately, it does not look promising for us as we have not been sexually intimate since December 2007. Now of course being separated, it reduces our opportunities to rekindle the lost desire.

Our therapist has recommended that since my husband no longer has the desires/feelings to engage in sex with me, that he make an effort to caress and sensually touch me to help elicit the feelings of desire.

We had a date scheduled for Saturday, June 21st, I'm looking forward to see if he is able to pull this off.

He is the one loosing out and the reason I know this is, if I had a wife that would take care of my children and me plus she would be intimate when I wanted as well as when she wanted (It's a two way street) There is no way that I would look to a movie, computer or other person to fulfill my desires. Success is the best revenge, accomplish goals in your life (Little ones first) and always smile when he or his friends see you and don't be surprised of the out come.