Rob's Happening 

My vacation's all but over 'cept the fat lady singing. Since I don't keep any around my house, I guess this is it.

What? The fat lady thing? No, I'm not saying anything, I don't keep any ladies around my house, fat, skinny, pleasantly plump, or notoriously normal, I'm all alone, and thanks for reminding me. One weeks vacation swirling around the toilet, undone in a flush.

Yesterday I went to see a movie. One last gasp if you will. If some fatty needs to sing, it looks like that fatty is me. I thought I'd take in a movie before warming up the chops.

"memememe…"

I had choices. They needed eliminating. Since I couldn't kidnap a small child, I ruled out the Kung-Fu Panda. That also ruled out the latest Narnia flick. I did hang out with the neighborhood ice cream man asking children if they wanted to see a movie, but when the clientele stopped rushing with cash for cones and the cops started creeping behind us, the ice cream guy asked me to leave. It was his van, I got out. No Good Humor here…

I didn't want to see Sex and the City. I’m not the target audience, and considering my current situation, I didn't see where a film whose title promised salt in my wounds was a good idea. Sex in the City? Isn't that like the last California gold rush for the single male?

"There's silicone in them thar hills!" Yup, guys in convertibles rolling the streets with a Mr. Microphone. Little signs hanging from the sides of their wagons, "Double D bust or bust." I know. That's not the movie, but I'm a guy. Maybe it should be. I could identify with that better than 4 girls sipping cosmos and buying shoes.

I decided to watch The Happening. It had a title I could trust. Whatever happened in the film, I knew the title would deliver as promised. There indeed would be a happening, even if it was just a sucker leaving $10 at the cashier window.

I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but just so you know, by the end of the movie, a bunch of people died. The killer? The unfortunate abundance of death instruments without warning labels.

Warning! Tractor mower harmful if swallowed.

I was unimpressed. Not because this film didn't have a happening. It did. It's happening just wasn't any different than what I see everyday. It started with people becoming disoriented. Yeah. I drive California freeways. Please.

They just stood in place like mannequins. As any Costco shopper will tell you, this is normal. People stunned by free food kiosks, staring into space while you're trying to get to the frozen burritos is a Friday afternoon. Dazed faces knowing they have something to do but not knowing how to accomplish "walking" without detailed instructions. Yeah, let me know when we get to the spooky part.

Color me nonplussed. The death of these doped fools? Aww, now you're just teasing me.

Still all in all it was a fine escape.

I think my favorite part of the movie was the previews. I remember back in the day, when they used to target previews for whoever might be strapped to the chair. Last night, they really didn't know their captive audience. They were flinging ideas at the screen like monkey-poo.

New Horror! New Romance! Kids Film! Kids Romance! Adventure Film! TV Show turned Movie Film! All these and more! My favorite preview was for the new X-Files movie. Don't roll your eyes! I didn't say I wanted to watch the movie. It was just my favorite preview. Besides. I rolled my eyes too, until the got to the end.

They're flashing clips of Mulder, clips of Scully, clips of shadows. Music, movement, crescendos, quote, flash, "Watch!" Bam! "July 25th." Black. I'm thinking, "July 25th? What's that? Why is that familiar? What happens July 25th?" It hits me: Divorce. Final. Shadows. Of course. In that moment, the X-File's movie subtitle fades in.

"I Want To Believe."

I rolled out of my chair giggling. Yeah, me too, but I've got 350 pages of legal documents saying that "believing" isn't enough… People around me started scooting over extra chairs, putting a safe distance between them and the frothing Rob on the floor; the irony brick still wedged between his eyes. I'd had my happening. It was time for me to sing.