How Far Down is Rock Bottom? 

They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can start climbing out.  How far down is that?  A week or so ago I wrote about still believing in what my stbxh lets drop out of his mouth.  I was chastising myself for still be gullible enough to believe the tales.

Then yesterday I wrote about how he wants to be the BEST of friends.  I realized that I cannot do it and I was going to attempt to make it through without superficial contact.  THEN last night he shared something with me that really crushed me.  Too boring to go into - but suffice it to say it was ONE more time that it was so pathetically painfully clear that he just doesn't in any way care if he hurts me.  I called him on it and he then immediately did the thing he is so so so so good at.  He gave me what sounded like a heartfelt apology.  I bought it.  Thought - hmmm maybe I was too hasty.  Maybe we can be friends.  Silly Rabbit - tricks are for kids!  That's how I feel.  Like a moron, because then about an hour later I learned that he is still having sex with his "friend with benefits" even though he claims he isn't/wasn't/doesn't. 

So here I sit.  Like it's all fresh and new.  Just about killed me all over again.  I feel like there isn't any more heart ache left.  I have no reserve in me.  How do you continue to weather this? 

I was talking to my sister and she said - well he lived with you for 27 years - he knows what to say to pacify you.  I always joked that I was so "easy" - that it only took some sweet talk and I believed anything.  So - he has my number.  He knows what to say and how to deliver the line so it is "believable". 

My sister also said that the more time I spend attempting to have a friendship with this person - the longer it will take for me to heal.  She is so right.  I pull away and then I miss him so I figure out some way to get him back into my life.  I want to believe that the man I loved is still in there somewhere.  So I look for signs of intelligent life.  But it is clear that he is just a pod person.  This man walking around in my husband's skin is not any one I know or recognize.  Who is he?  How did it happen that he could turn into such a despicable person?  The man I loved is dead, gone, over & out. 

So how many times do I have to experience that, to feel that, to write that before it finally sets in that he is gone and I am on my own?  I feel like I am allowing myself to be play the village idiot.  Every one else sees it but me.  Because I don't want to.  I keep hoping that I will see some spark of the man he was and then he will suddenly transform himself back into the great person he was prior to his insanity. 

I know that I have kept contact with him because I want ANY connection no matter how pathetic.  I know that I wanted to feel like I still mattered in his life.  He may have tossed me aside by golly but he still thinks I'm swell.  I didn't want to feel like a loser.  I didn't want to feel like someone else was more important.  The reality is - I didn't want to face facts.  That my marriage is really & truly over and no matter what I do - it will not change that.  It will not bring him back.

It makes me so angry at myself for continuing to believe him and for allowing myself to get into situations where I am hurt over & over.  I do this to myself.  I do take responsibility.  I just wanted to feel valued.  Now I just feel worse and I know now more than ever that I MUST get out of this town. 

I think I may have hit the bottom.  I actually hope I have because I just cannot keep this up.  It's just too hard to climb out of the hole every single time.