Change In Plans 

I spoke to my 16-year old daughter this morning before she went to school (I've called her R. here.)  We have had many discussions about L. (her mom and my wife), how she behaves, the mutual pain we have experienced from L. verbal abuse, etc.  R. is passionately spiritual (and religious, however you wish to define those terms) and yet she has encouraged me not to dwell so much on a religious attitude toward separation and divorce but more on how my relationship with L. affects my relationship to God and others.  For a long time, she has seen my gradual slide into depression and withdrawal due to the "on-again, off-again" rants and raves of L. 

R. and I are brothers in arms, literally.  We have experienced it together and in many ways have bonded closer together because of it.  That could be a dangerous thing, I believe, since that begins to blur the line between a parent/child relationship.  Like it or not, R. is always going to need me to be a father and not just a "pal".  It would be wonderful for me to be both, but I also recognize that teenagers are not much for that sort of thing.

But I digress...

As we talked, R. said that she did not want to commit to leaving during the summer as I had suggested once before.  She had big plans for the summer, she wasn't going to be around much anyway (with church camps, mission trips, Florida vacation, and so forth).  And she noticed my hesitation to act on my original "declaration of independence."  And finally, she indicated she really didn't want to leave her familiar house.  I have since wondered after our conversation if she was giving me a graceful way to exit or if she really meant what she was saying.

In the past, there was never any doubt for R. or me that R. would live with me in the event of a divorce.  L.'s caustic attitude and subjective, hard-line views of the world obviously don't sit well with a 16-year-old girl trying to find her wings.  But in the moment of the conversation, I had that one brief moment of the ultimate fear -- the fear that somehow my daughter, perhaps my best friend, would not support my decision to go. 

Fortunately, the planning process is not very advanced at this point.  I have decided to give the whole matter up for the summer.  My son will be getting married in September, and I have been extremely concerned about the impact of separating before that big event.  It would create terrible animosity and bitterness for a couple trying to start a happy, lifelong relationship together.  I am now convinced this is the best choice for now.

In the meantime, I am scheduled to go to the doctor tomorrow.  I will probably ask for a recommendation for a psychologist to deal with my depression.  It is abundantly clear to me now that I am simply "messed up."  Whatever path I decide to travel in the next few months, I need to know that my mind and emotions are more grounded, that I ruminate less on my worries and fears, as well as the actions and re-actions of L. and others.

I still feel very alone and very small in terms of my power and control over my own life.  Yet I think I have at least convinced myself partially that I have a "gameplan" -- one I can live with to see where the road ahead may take me.