can't stop looking 

"...a "down" day..." - And, from your experience, you know that you will most likely come back up being stronger.

Letting go is difficult and daunting. Regression is unpleasant at best but it can help to identify where the next set of concerns or fears are coming from; and, if a person is truly honest in their own assessments, resolution of these may come about helping healing process.

To lost in translation - I'm speculating only that you really would like to work on salvaging your marriage or you wouldn't be obsessed with the involvement of another woman.  It sounds like it isn't a mutual separation or divorce from your angle.  Or at least not where it involves another female.   I know exactly what you are saying, and how you feel. I've been there, and unfortunately I am still there today.  

I was hit with a divorce dilemma I NEVER saw coming around X-mas time.  It hit like a speeding freight train and hasn't stopped yet.  I was waiting to wake up from my nightmare.   Evidently, my husband wasn't happyI was told there wasn't anyone else involved, but that was a lie.  And yes, even today, I would still "like" to work on the marriage...but it is a bit tough when your spouse is living with another woman.  He says he wants to keep talking - but... sorry - guess I needed to vent too, as today is a "down" day for me.      

But back to you - if this is fairly NEW to you (meaning only a few weeks), it will take time before you can actually 'breath' and heal from the slap you felt on your face.  I hate to say that because I'm sure you have been hearing the same thing.  EVERYONE told me that too.  And it is truly, truly hard to see and realize that you won't feel this way forever.  And time seems to stand still when you are waiting for that time to elapse to "heal."   Try to make yourself busy so that you don't obsess thinking about it.  Yes, it means leaning on your friends to go out for dinner...take an exercise class, start a hobby that you do with someone else.  You NEED your friends right now.  And I know you want him to hurt WORSE than you hurt now.  But what goes around, comes around.  So he will get his...unfortunately, anger, spite, and retaliation won't change how hurt you are...and you probably look for her in the grocery store, in the bank line, in passing cars...yep - been there with all that...it is HORRIBLE, but it WILL get better!!!

J'm'en calisse  INDEED!  That was what I say over & over.  Rather chasing the greased pig.  I would also call my sister and she would chant "You do not want to end up in jail".  I could just picture myself arrested for stalking - so I had to gather up my dignity and proudly shout
J'm'en calisse!!
It really did/does help.  As my 18 yo son keeps saying - Hey mom - it is what it is!  It's not changing - so I had to. 

I'd like a big dish of self-respect with a side dish of sanity please.  It works.

"..." - Lawyers can give you legal advice; and, if their interpretation of the law is correct, build you a legal case against your respective spouse. On the other hand, you must still communicate your understanding of what can or cannot be done, should or should not be done, from your perspective. I would temper your course of action with consideration of what you would financially gain or lose following the advice of your lawyer; and, I say this in good faith regarding the legal profession, due to the fact that virtually all businesses and service related professionals exist for financial gain. And, a contested divorce equals justice for none and all for one, the lawyer or lawyers...

Just a point of view that may have cost you the time for consideration, time to read, time to ignore, time to discard... And, we all know time is money... ;-p

Thanks everybody! You guys are making me feel better already. it is so good to know that someone out there understands what I'm going through. I have a lot of work to do to heal and I know that but despite knowing what I need to do, I have this urge to lash out at him and make him pay for this pain. I just got off the phone with a lawyer and I believe in my situation he will pay and so will she. Is it wrong to indulge in a little "woe is me "? I just feel like I'm in this emotional roller coaster and I can't get off.

Stay off My Space it is evil and time consuming.  I too was obsessed with My Space and searching for pictures, comments etc....you have to stop.  It was making me feel awful and why would I do something to make myself feel bad? I let it go and you can too!! If you have a My Space account delete it and erase all that bad energy.  If my friends want to post pictures of me that is okay but I am not going to waste any more of my time searching for answers on that site!!

"...greased pig..." - Interesting analogy...

On a similar note but from a different perspective: I discovered a few months ago that even though I had finally let go of the one that I loved to be with the one that I am with; this, too, was causing issues and placing me in a dilemma:

• I had let go of my perception of my spouse as we once were within the marriage...
• ...but the person that my spouse personified was not of interest to me in reconciliation of the marriage...

I, too, did not wish to continue down the track of sleuth; and, for my self respect and her "sanity" on trying to keep up with her habitual lies, I just stopped our relationship totally in track.

On a similar note but from her perspective:

• "...Why can't [he] leave me alone..."
• "...[Doesn't he] realize that it is over and that I want to move along with my life..."
• "...I want to spend time with people that respect me for who and what I am..."
• "...We are just friends, just like you and I are friends..."

There is a reason why we are taught responsibility to ourselves and accountability, too... It is best just to let go of the "greased pig". You may get splattered here and there on the sidelines but you do not have to drenched in the "merde" and you can self proclaim: "J'm'en calisse".

I too was obsessed.  It did lessen once I started doing what the others have recommended to you. However - I am still plagued with thoughts of the two of them.  My sister gave me a little pig to hang from my rear view mirror so if I had the temptation to search for them I would see the mirror and remind myself what it was all about.  This is my sister's analogy -  You know how they have greased pig contests?  People run around chasing these little buggers, they wear themselves out, they fall in pigshit and yet they keep on chasing that damn greased pig.  Finally someone catches one - and what did they win?  A greased pig - is that really what I want to catch?  Not really.

Believe me - I know it is so hard!  But I had to (have to) remind myself that it is fact that he is with someone else.  And I have to make my own life without him.  The 1st day I realized I was no longer searching for her was such a relief.  I wish you that peace.

I think you are doing what is typical of the spouse that is being left all the while the leaving spouse seams to have the world by the tail and could care less about the hurt person left behind.  This is where the hard part comes in, getting yourself together, get involved in activities you enjoy, and focus mainly on the ones who do love and care about you.  Leave the obsesion to a private Investigator to get you the answers you need to bring clousure to your lost companionship.   Wish you better days to come....time heals all things:)

thank you for the reassurance and kind words. i will attempt to pry myself away from the temptations.

"...crazy..." - Most likely not but you are hurt and may become obsessed. You need to find a way with your friends and associates to start to let go of thoughts related to the other woman that is in the life of your spouse; and, I say this on the presumption that your marriage is over without the possibility of reconciliation. May I suggest activities that help you without falling into the trappings of another relationship at this time until you settle into your own stride of knowing who are and what you want of your life. Wish you well... And, keep coming back to this community if you find it helpful.