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The Emotional Roller-Coaster Is Taking It's Toll.... 

Today is Wednesday, and I haven't been able to accomplish anything so far this week.  It's not that I don't have plenty to do - I just can't shake this depression long enough to do it.  Last week I was a whirlwind - this week I'm a slug. 

My insomnia has been bad the past week or so, and it's only when my body can't go on any longer that I sleep.  I don't dream....and I rarely get more than three or four hours of rest before my mind is up and running and the rest of me struggles to keep up.  This lack of sleep makes my mind sluggish too...and it takes a great deal of time and effort to accomplish even the simplest of tasks.  Intellectually I know what needs to be done...but emotionally I just don't have what it takes to get a move on.... 

I'm trying to take things one day at a time, but it's so hard to keep from thinking of what the future holds in store for me.  My family feels sorry for me....which is something I never want anyone to do.  I'm so sad all of the time....and although I really do try to put on a good front I know I'm not myself, and I don't want to have my situation and my 'moods' be the cause of concern for my family.  I would have included friends in this thought....but over time they have all gone by the wayside. 

My husband made me believe that he wanted and needed me to himself....and that my 'friends' were interfering in our relationship with each other.  It's so easy to see things now - in hindsight.....but the isolation was so gradual that I didn't realize how alone I really was until the day my husband walked out of the door for the last time.  I miss the contact of people....and I'm sad that I didn't do more to keep in touch with friends I had known for years.  I guess I could attempt to re-connect with some of these folks, but the embarrassment of my current situation is just too much right now....sigh.

Before I married this 'man' I was a strong, independent, happy woman....  I can't understand how I could have allowed myself to become so dependent on him, and the damage that's been done over the years is becoming crystal clear to me now.  Just one more thing to deal with....one more thing to overcome. 

How in the world am I going to be able to start over from scratch?  All of the skills I thought I had are failing me now.....and the road to recovery seems a daunting, if not impossible challenge.  This sadness and depression just feeds on itself....  Something needs to change pretty soon or I'm afraid I won't be able to crawl out from under my rock and I'll end up in a home, or worse. 

Sigh....this is not a good day at all.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better. 
by sdchargers13  128 Posts 

Posted on 4/16/2008 7:00 PM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
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Tags: depression , sadness
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Comments for "The Emotional Roller-Coaster Is Taking It's Toll...."  (12) (You must be logged in to answer)
It's been a while since I've visited here - or posted anything to my journal.  I just could not get out of the depression I had fallen into - despite all of the kind words and advice that I know could have helped.  I'm afraid I got stuck in the 'poor me' revolving door....and it's taken me this long to come up for air.  I've just finished reading all of the wonderful comments and suggested posted here, and I'm grateful for each and every one.  I have bookmarked the site suggested in one of the comments and plan on taking a couple of hours this evening to check it out.  I'm still having problems with my 'head space', but I'm trying to get past that - slowly but surely.

Thank you everyone for your support and understanding.  This site - and all of the great words of encouragement and advice - are proving to be my salvation.  I don't know that I'd be able to go as far as I have without it.

You've all given me hope - and a reason to smile.  Thank you!
by sdchargers13   128 Posts
Posted on 5/9/2008 4:17 PM
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I also have been in the "slug" stage. It is better some days than others. I found a great CD series "Getting On With It" by Jeff Rindt - my counselor. He has a website www.relationshipsandrecovery.com. Check it out. If you can get the CD series it will save your life. I could not go thru all this pain without it. You can listen to samples online to make sure it is what you want. It is just great and I feel stronger everyday. Take care of yourself.
by VManley0453   3 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2008 8:38 PM
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I'm here with you too!   Everyone has very sound advice, and I'm appreciative of that as well!!!  The sleepless nights are horrible.  It was constant MIND CHATTER that kept me awake at night, and going to those dark places one should not go to.  Yes, the circles and conversations you have with yourself or with your spouse - so you are answering for him/her too!   Very unfair conversations.  I got a Rx for sleeping pills. Took 1 - didn't work.  Dr said try 2 & that wknd was lost.  I was a zombie - so that doesn't work best either for some.  I don't have a remedy for you, as it took me a good MONTH before I actually had a good night's sleep!!  I didn't want to get out of bed, even tho I wasn't sleeping!!  And they say that time heals - are you finding that the clock seems to be STANDING still?  I remember saying that life was passing me by so fast.  But for two months, it seemed the day, minute and hour was just standing still...and my nights were the hardest time to get thru since that was the loneliest time for me. 

Hang in there - vent here, and use this support to get thru another day.  And take it just one day at a time - if that's too long, take just an hour at a time!! 

B
by Bgc   5 Posts
Posted on 4/20/2008 4:36 PM
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my wife left me with three kids i felt alone for years she left 3 or more times we went to marriage counceling she said she wanted to leave for 10 years i dont feel i was wrong but it hurts and i feel alone for years who abuses who?
by buffalo   8 Posts
Posted on 4/20/2008 4:09 PM
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After reading your post I felt like it could have been me writing it.  It's like literally being stuck on a roller coaster that you can't get off.  Those feelings you get in your gut that make you almost ill, then the falling feeling where your head is spinning and you are feeling out of control.  I just turned 30 in the midst of all of this divorce crap and have a two and 1/2 year old son my verbally abusive husband is trying to get custody of.  I know the sleep issue is like torture.  Your mind just won't let you be at peace.  It's awful.  You just lay there, thinking in circles, thinking what if this, what if that, how will I do this/that...it's neverending.  You can't get any peace of mind at all.  I felt the same way as you about ending up in the nuthouse, and at this time I really wouldn't mind going, but I have a son to think of AND I am sure me seeking help would just give my husband more to use against me in court in this upcoming custody battle.  I wake up every day dreading the hours I have to be awake.  I do as much as I can to have fun with my son, puzzles, drawing, going to the park, watching fun movies, then I look at the clock and I see it's only 7:30, then I go reeling into this hopeless depressive feeling like how can I take 4 more hours of faking smiles and happiness so my son is not affected.  It's awful.  I really feel your pain and emotional roller coaster is the perfect way to describe the feelings.  I wish I could do more to help you, but all I can do is sympathize and if you want to talk or vent you can talk to me.
by maureen78   16 Posts
Posted on 4/19/2008 8:19 PM
1



all i can say about times of trials in our life is that what does not defeat us will make us stronger...keep that as a focus phrase...i know that my glass is half full and attitude is the ultimate healer in all of lifes obstacles...do not let this defeat u and let him win....that would show that he still has the control on u...think about that?...i'm going through the same as u and i too feel the depression creep in ....shut the door...dont let depression consume u get up...shower and give thanks to what u DO have and appreciate it with ur whole heart!
by silverlining   12 Posts
Posted on 4/19/2008 3:31 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through that.  I know how hard it is.  I didn't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time and then I would wake up in tears just thinking and thinking.  I couldn't get the image of him with her out of my head. 
I didn't eat hardly at all.  It was all I could do  to make it through the day.
I also read the book that jkf suggested.  It made a HUGE difference.  There were parts that didn't "work" for me - but the main message really made an impact.  That and this group helped me more than anything else.
I wish you peace and sleep.
by Mb   426 Posts
Posted on 4/17/2008 2:38 AM
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My feelings at this moment are hard to explain but I hope you'll understand and forgive my total lack of composure.  Talking to 'air'.... or putting my thoughts on virtual pieces of paper that never got read in cyberspace is how I've been staying connected with the outside world for the past couple of years.  Writing has become my voice, but until now it's been heard by no one but myself...  Having people take the time to offer such kind words to someone they've never met - at a time when their own lives are in turmoil - has just blown me away. 

Thank you.....I am so touched by what you've all written here.
by sdchargers13   128 Posts
Posted on 4/17/2008 12:50 AM
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I know exactly how you feel. I was shakey, nervous, and could only sleep an hour or two a night. I felt like I was about to have a break down so  I went to my doctor and he gave me clonazepam, a mild benzodiazpine(sp?), not as addictive as Xanax. He also perscribed Zoloft
I won"t take the Zoloft as I had to go off them a year ago due to weight gain, 40 Lbs in 6 months, but they truely help. Thankfully after 6 months I lost 40 Lbs.  My doctor said this does not happen to most people, but has been known to happen.The clonazepam is to help you get over the rough patches until the anti depressants can begin to work. Some time that can take up to 6 weeks to be at maximum effectivness, but you generally feel better in about 2 weeks. I know some pepole don't like to medicate, but if you are so depressed that it is severely affecting your life, it may be a good choice for you. JUST SEE YOUR DOCTOR AND DO NOT SELF MEDICATE.
If medication is not your thing, if you belong to a church, seek the counsel of your pastor or priest. They can be a great help

Also Keep venting here on this site, we all care about you and will be here for you. Be strong and you are in my prayers.
by dumpedafter30years   66 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 10:00 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. You and I sound like we are living the same nightmare. I to don't get much sleep. I only eat once a day and not much at that. I have been reading a book on abandonment (The Journey frome Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson) and it has helped me start to see things differently. I have been with my unhusband since highschool. So for half of my life I have never known anyone but him. I do let some of my friends go. But what I will tell you is this.....some friends are never really gone. Try and reach out to some with whom you were once close. It does not hurt to try. I thought I had lost a friend but when I apologized for some of my actions, she apologized and then she bacame a close friend again.

I have my good days and bad days. While I am not sure when I will have more good than bad days, I do know someday it will get better. There are plenty of stories of people who have gone through what we are going through now and have survived. That gives me hope. Don't worry about how your family sees you. They are there to give you the support you need right now, let them support you in any way they can.

One day at a time. It sucks but it is better than simply giving up. If we give up our unspouses win, and I refuse to let him take anymore from me than he already has.

When you are feeling low, come here, it has helped me a lot.

Sending a few ((hugs)) your way.
by jkf   62 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 9:47 PM
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Well , I  have "kind of " been in your shoes. I was in a similar relationship but he was killed in an accident. I had done the same as you, let friends go and he even had almost severed some family relationships. I did not see it until he was gone.
Do not be afraid to talk to your doctor to get some temporary help to get you thru this. I could not sleep or eat. I lost 30lbs in a month.
Focus on you. Try to make contact with the people that you used to know. Just tell them why you let the relationships with them go. They will understand more than you know.
Take time to find out who you are again. I went thru an identity crisis for a while.
I was a stay at home mom with 4 kids , ages 4-15. I never had a job and had no friends because I was not allowed. I had to find a way to support myself and my kids.
Don't jump into another relationship. I did and that is why I am now divorced. You have too much emotional trauma that you are going thru. Stick to your female friends. More than likely you were neglected by this person and it will be too easy to fall into a similar relationship.
Take time to find yourself again. It is so important. I think that time will show you what a wonderful person that you are.
Good luck!
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 9:39 PM
0



"...better..." - Yes, it can be but why wait until tomorrow. Take the opportunity today to enjoy something in your day before going to be; and, in this way you will have a head start on tomorrow.

And, as for the lack of sleep and the constant think, think, think:

VICKS® NyQuil® Cold and Flu

Please Note: I had to resort to this 15 months ago during my first week because I had not slept for 3 days and nights; and, although it did work for my needs, I am not a doctor so follow the directions...
by bp   1239 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 9:30 PM
0





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