Heart for a Compass

Having to go home

After we met the other night to go over the "details" of the big "D" - (which still stuns me BTW - not the meeting but that I am actually getting one!) - I had to fly out early Friday for business in the Bay Area. I am just now heading back "home". I was feeling pretty good on the 1st 1/2 of the flight down and then who knows what it was that struck me - but when I landed in Oakland the tears just started falling. I am becoming so used to that - walking through public places with tears streaming down my face. There is no special association with the Oakland airport that did this - I think sometimes it just HITS me over the head that I am alone.
So --- I had an amazing time with my clients and gained a new one and felt GREAT! Saw one of my best friends, checked in on old clients and just felt wonderful and "strong". THEN last night as I was getting ready for bed it started. The queasy feeling in my gut, the anxiety, the dread. I HAD to go back. YUCK. Yes, I want to see my son and my mom etc. BUT I also know I have to go back to the same damn town where HE lives and where SHE lives. As soon as I woke up this a.m. - it really hit me full force. The tears started and now as I sit here in the Oakland airport it is all I can do to NOT let the tears fall all over my computer. I feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of it.
I worry that the obsession will begin again and I will want to drive by his house to see if he is home, if she is there, if he is at work --- if he still exists in this world. WHEN will I ever stop caring if he is home? He isn't home with me - so what the hell difference does it make if he is at his freaking apt or not? And yet, I just know that as soon as I get my car from the parking lot - I will drive by his place. WHY? I tell myself not to and then - there I am!
I keep thinking that I should just move out of the state. I can live anywhere and maybe some distance and change of scenery would be really good. It was so restful while I was away. I didn't have to think about what he was doing and who with.
What really makes it hard is that he actually texted me last night and said "I want always to be best of friends. And I think we can." WHAT THE HELL? Don't love you , don't want you, don't want to be with you - but would you mind still being my best friend. I guess his "friend with benefits" as he calls her - just isn't quite as great as he thought.
Oh my ----
I need to catch my plane and try to figure out my life. It will be nice to read everything I missed the past few days.

by Mb 426 Posts

Posted on 4/14/2008 10:44 AM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

Having to go home on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Tags: sadness

<< Previous Post |

Blog posts by Mb

| Next Post >>

Comments for "Having to go home" (11) (You must be logged in to answer)

I am excited for you and your daughter! What fun and yes a lot of work. Sibes are great - just have a lot of needs.
Have fun with this new adventure!

by Mb 426 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 10:35 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

"... lecturing..." - Lecturing is good... ;-)

Please allow me to clarify that I will be receiving "the girls" on April 19th... And, no, I do not have any intentions of letting my "girls" spend any time with my soon-to-be ex spouse and niece... Finally, yes, did I mention that the decision was biased long ago by my interest in SH's? Love them but I never shared this with anyone else other than my daughter...

She is on her final countdown, as of her call to me this evening; and, when we were done talking about school and her activities, she asked me to relate all sorts of information about "the girls". This is precisely why I made the decision to move forward with our family additions: both of us will grow from the common interests...

Crates? What are these for? ... ;-p

by bp 1239 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2008 12:00 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

As I said - you are one brave man. I am a dog trainer who has clients all over the US . A husky is not for the weak of heart, a female husky is really not for the weak of heart, two huskies is really really not for the weak of heart, two female huskies is really really really not for the weak of heart and two female litter mate huskies is really really really really not for the weak of heart. It sounds like you did a fair amount of research though so you know what you are looking at. I am a little surprised you already have them seeing that they were just eight weeks yesterday. How old were they when you got them? (My specialty is puppy development which is why I am being so nosy.)
I would certainly keep the pups at your place and not transfer them back & forth. The main reason is that you want them in this young age to keep up with their training and have consistency. I am HOPING you are using crates. : )
Well - enough of my lecturing about pups...

Good luck and if you need any tips let me know.

by Mb 426 Posts
Posted on 4/15/2008 1:01 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

"...two female sibes..." - Yes, can you imagine!

"The girls", as I and my daughter affectionately call them, were born on February 18, 2008. They are sisters from the same litter, are pure bred and have very distinctive differences that are very striking. I researched the matter for an extended period of time with my daughter so that we were both very active in the decision. I was very hesitant leading into this but in the end I was pressured by my daughter's recollections, which include the following:

First and foremost, I had made a promise that took too long to fulfill but she called me on it the very same day we started moving into the new house... (...smart 7 year old...)

Second, she is self-proclaimed dog lover... (...I am not but dogs seem to like me way more than I have been comfortable with in my past...)

Third, I would have company when she is not around during her visits with me... (...This is so true but I asked her not to worry about those kind of details...)

Overall, I like the idea of this new aspect of our lives. Yesterday was an interesting challenge for me regarding how my soon-to-be ex spouse, her sister's daughter and our daughter basically "ganged up" on me regarding the puppies. They want "the girls" to come and visit them for play dates at my "old home", which now happens to be their new home; as well as, they are talking about overnight stays for the puppies with them. I directly informed them with a "we will see if this is possible in the future" but...

...Don't they realize what they - being my soon-to-be ex spouse and niece - have already done to me in the past? I do not wish to worry about "the girls"... I do not wish to be separated from them more than necessary... I do no

by bp 1239 Posts
Posted on 4/15/2008 9:07 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

My unhusband actually accused me of "running away". No matter that both sets of family are in the state I will be making a new life in, or no matter that it is where we first met. The state where I live now had a total family of 3, now it's 1.5.

Not wanting to be in the same area where the cheater is, is not running away. I see it as making a new start, starting a new life that I deserve to have.

You to deserve so much more in life. If you are able to live anywhere then I say "go for it". Remember to stay strong for your self and your son. Eventually everything will get better, it just takes time.

Good luck. Sending a (hug) your way.

by jkf 62 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 10:21 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

That really makes me feel "normal" to know that others have felt the same thing about the moment when you see you are heading back. I am seriously thinking about moving too. I can live anywhere for my job - as I am self-employed and my clients are all over the US & Canada - so it really doesn't matter where I have my life. Sometimes I think it would be running away & other times I think it would be running TO something.

by Mb 426 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 10:09 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I am so sorry you are having a "moment" as I call them. I can fully relate. While I was visiting my family in another state, I was able to breath, sleep, actually eat something. But the second I drove past a certain point on the freeway. I felt the all to familiar weight in my chest, lump in my throat and tears just beneath the surface.

In the end I had a good cry and told myself that I deserved better and I would make it through. The one thing that has also helped is knowing that soon I will move out of this state, and be back with my family who will support me and my son through our new faze of life.

I still have my "moments" but I know that someday they will get less and less frequent, (I hope).

by jkf 62 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 9:55 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Thanks for the nice comments. Linny - yes --- it's time for a Martini. It's hard to come back when I feel so strong when I am away.

Oakland is a bad one isn't it? LOL! I fly into it all the time so I am so used to it.

BP - you put it exactly right! Ken wants me to be his BEST friend just as you put it here - "be there for me, but I do not have any time for you when you really need it". I was so angry when he said that. I didn't want to loose him or our family - but I did. I don't want to accept any more of his scraps.

WOW - two sibes at the same time?? Are they litter mates? How old? You are proving your strength right there when you take on two female sibes!
But I digress --- I miss my "family". I miss all of that. But I know that it is a different form now. I also think it was hard because I knew as soon as I got home Ken was picking up the boys and I wouldn't even see them after being gone for four days. It's just such a new world. I don't want Ken trying to keep his little toe in it.

by Mb 426 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 8:51 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

"...best of friends..." I do want to comment on this for you...

Please, I believe you do not need to remain with him as "best of friends". You may need him to be considerate of your needs a the mother of your child, as your ex-spouse, but not as "best of friends". Keep civil with one another and nothing more. Try not to fall into the trappings associated to what is his perception of his world. Your world most likely does not need what he has to offer. Try not to run away from what is happening in your heart or your head. Do try to find your own happiness without what is tormenting you about your past relationship with your spouse. I believe you will find other friends that can be much more than what he is offering and currently putting on the table in front of you.

Personally, I would continue to walk away from that... This is what has been offered to me and I find it disrespect of my soon-to-be ex that she can offer me this when in truth, it is just her way of saying "be there for me, but I do not have any time for you when you really need it".

Or, better stated as follows from her mind, to her lips, to my ears and to my brain: "I care... I really do care... When it is convenient for me!"

by bp 1239 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 2:42 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

It is just another bump in the road of life. mb I have read so many of your posts and you are a strong strong indivdual. Call it a bad moment and let it go if you can. You will cry less, you will hurt less and someday you will care less. Hmmm that sounds like a "glass of wine" moment.

Hugs to you.

by Linny 152 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 2:35 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

"...full force..." - I can relate somewhat to your situation but from a slightly different point-of-view (...obviouse, of course...)...

1st, Oakland airport - yuck...
2nd, Oakland airport - yuck... ;-p

Seriously, the anxiety can hit at anytime for any of us... There are too many things in our lives that can prompt these to feelings to flair. I, too, can find myelf readily absorbed in other elements of my life; and, then, BAM, it hits. I do not have tears but I do feel a knot in my stomach. Here I am in the process of divorce, well beyond the separation; and, I am feeling way to many uncertainties that cause me to question the path in life that I am participating in tandem with my soon-to-be ex...

My vacation with my daughter was great. My future projects are great. I am currently expecting my "girls" this Saturday afternoon and I am somewhat concerned if I am really ready for them. I have my doubts about my skill sets but I will overcome my fears and doubts. I know of the new commitment of time. Emotions. The constant needs that my "girls" will challenge me with... But, at the end of the day, I know that I made the right decision to move forward with my what I refer to as "my pregnancy" as a single parent.

Being the father of a beautiful girl and the proud parent of two female Siberian Huskies will be a new chapter in my life... ;-)

You will find new and different ways to live your life. Do not let your past with your spouse cause you concerns for living your day today or tomorrow... Keep your chin up and know that we are here...

by bp 1239 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2008 2:25 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

Having to go home

help you budget and plan

definitions from "alimony" to "writ of execution"

divorce, custody and child support links by state

get help now