Heart for a Compass

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OVER IT?

It seems I make people uncomfortable. When I am asked how I am doing after just two months (today actually) from when my husband of 26 years walked out & I tell them "Not Great!" - there is often a long pause followed by the comment "Wow - I thought you would have moved on by now". I find it shocking that people are allowed more time to grieve the loss of their pet, their job, their favorite TV show - than I am to grieve the man that I lived with and loved for over 26 years.

My mother told me today that she was VERY concerned about me as I said that I felt "stuck". She said that was of grave concern to her as she could picture me curled up in a ball not attending to all the details of my life. I told her that I felt judged and what I actually meant was I felt/feel trapped. This ISN'T how I expected my life to turn out, this isn't what I thought I would be doing at this late date in my life and I really missed my husband & the dream of the life I thought we had. I told her I didn't feel real hopeful at this point in my life.

My sister called my therapist because she too was worried about me - as she said I was "unbelievably fragile" and was crying every other moment. She thought maybe I wasn't dealing with all this properly. Thank god my therapist put her in her place and told her that I would go through this in any way that I needed to and it was pretty silly to think that I would be just fine after such a short time.

My mother and my sister both love me and they just want me to be happy. And some day I will be again (I think so - that's what everyone tells me!) - but right now I am sad beyond all understanding. But every day I get up, I tell myself I can make it through another day and I do just that.

All I want is for people to say that it's okay - I can take as long as I need. I can do "this" however I need to. That I have the right to feel sad and miserable some days. And to give me a break when I make them uncomfortable. Because believe me - this isn't the most comfortable thing I've ever done either.

Mb

by Mb 426 Posts

Posted on 3/23/2008 4:08 AM

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Tags: sadness , move on , get over it , understanding ,
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Comments for "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OVER IT?" (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

Oh, mb...I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. We are all different-we need what we need, there's no set amount of healing time for a divorce. People who care about you want you to be your old self again. But the reality is, you probably won't ever be exactly the way you were before the separation. You will come through this with an entirely new and different understanding of marriage, and that changes a person-you will be stronger and wiser. You will eventually be happy again. But you will never be the same--that's not a bad thing, though. It's a life changing experience.

However long it takes, you need the amount of time that YOU need. Family, friends, and co-workers will just have to understand that. They don't need to understand your feelings-just that you need as much time as you need to sort through those feelings. Take it day-by-day. If things around the house get neglected, like cleaning or laundry, for a few days, try not to worry about it. It will get done on a day when you're feeling stronger. If you feel like crying, cry, and don't feel weak because of it. In other words, do whatever you feel you need to do to cope and heal.

This too will pass, eventually. (((hugs)))

by marybecca2 807 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 3:01 PM

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People can be such idiots sometimes!

I think that grieving is a growth experience as well as a healing one.    Your heart, mind and soul are in shambles and in order to make room for happiness, all that sadness and pain needs to be digested and absorbed.   This never completely leaves you.    But you have to learn to live around it and incorporate it into a new you.   that takes a lot of time and patience and forgiveness and more time.

Going through something as devastating as divorce is a unique experience.    You need to surround yourself with people that love you AS WELL AS those who have been there before you and know exactly what you're going through.   Two very different kinds of support.

I agree with HIC, that a good therepist is a godsend during this time too.     The tools and perspective you need during this time are very unique too and it is comforting to learn that there are definitely things you can do (when you're up to it) to ease your pain and put you in control.    A professional can cut through all the haze and help you gain clarity (which was my biggest problem during my divorce).     So all kinds of support is needed during your time of healing to get you feeling stronger and in control of your destiny (and sometimes just to make it through your afternoon).

So make sure you provide yourself a wide net of support.   A good attorney, friends and family and Divorce Care and a good therepist all helped me during my Divorce.    Remember to eat well for your strength and exersice for your peace of mind and to help you sleep better.

Its a painful time and you need to take all the time you need to heal and figure out what's next.    Take care.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:49 PM

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My family has some personal experience with divorce themselves, but they all tend to disregard my needs when my marriage fell apart and made it clear that they wanted no information on it at all. I got zero support and couldn't even talk about it. To add to it, they wanted me to act like they were, like nothing was wrong or hurting. I got a young daughter that I miss so something is wrong and hurts. My family didn't give me room to hurt or deal with anything and if I tried to, I got nailed. It's pure b.s

You have the right and deserve to take as much time as you feel you need to be comfortable with all this and in any fashion that brings you comfort. It's your life and you emotions so you have all the right here. I hope things get better for you.

by BASSET 1132 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:47 PM

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I took a "break" from the family when it I realized that it was more doing more damage than good.

Yes, I was very upset and cried often. I did not need my sisters telling, "what I needed to do" or my mother happy that I was going to divorce the jerk. The jerk happen to be MY husband the father of my kids.

Take time to heal. It doesn't matter how long it takes. Twenty-six years is quite a bit of time invested in another person. I am sure they care but it amazes me how in-sensitive family can be.

You have come to the right place. I have cried, yelled, fought and healed on this site. Hope you do the same.

by vlady 2123 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:35 PM

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Take all the time you need. What these people think doesn't matter. The ones who think you should be 'over it'. Take comfort, maybe, in the knowledge that the odds are good...they are going to be going through this too someday. We are all different and the time we need is going to differ. Take comfort in your family and their love and let it all out here at D360 and with your therapist. Hell, it's been more beneficial being here for me than seeing the therapist.

by BEHaws 657 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:30 PM

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I totally agree with Watson. Who said there's a time limit on grief? We all hear the cliche's, but what I would suggest is finding a good therapist, and depend on your friends for support in-between.

I'm going into my ninth month of separation, and a day doesn't go by I don't think of her. It's easier now than it was a few months ago (read my blogs...you'll see) but rest assured there is no time limit. Those you tell you 'you should be over it by now' obviously know nothing about the depth of your emotions. It's not their fault really, they're going by experiences they have...not yours.

See a therapist. Get one. This is a time for growth, and it's going to hurt. You will have nightmares, the memory demons will visit you in the morning when you wake up, but it will improve with time.

Do not rush your grief...embrace it. It's what makes you a human being. Trust in your heart and the process.

by HurtInColorado 1139 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:29 PM

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I think I understand your statement that it seems that you make people uncomfortable. It may seem that way, but I think it's that other people just ARE uncomfortable because they haven't known you as anything but a person who's been married for the past 25, someone's life partner. They don't know what to say or do, besides freak out. It's not just us who are learning to adjust to this total life change but our family members, friends, co-workers, the cashier at the neighborhood grocery store; everyone with whom our lives have intermingled and come to expect after so many years of togetherness and routine.
I know those closest to us will be concerned about us, but I think we all have every right to take as much time as we need to heal and cope. I think anyone who says (or implies) that we need "to get over it" or it's "time to move on" needs to shut their mouths, ask for your forgiveness, and pull the flank from their eye!

Seriously? Twenty five years? Are you kidding me? And only two months? Whomever made those comments should be ashamed. It IS okay. Take as long as you need. You can do this however you need.

You don't make people uncomfortable. Other people are uncomfortable because this is still so new and they don't know how to behave yet. It's cliche', but time does help because you still have to get up each day, go to work, pay the bills, drive the car, do birthdays, all that stuff.

Call them out on the timeline of getting over it. Maybe someone can refer you to the Universally Accepted Calendar of Getting Over 25 Years of Marriage, because it couldn't possibly be easier said than done, right?

Kudos on the therapist.

misswatson2

by misswatson2 5 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2009 2:25 PM

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You have mirrored my life completely. I have been divorced since November 2007 and we HAVE to live together while trying to sell our home (the market stinks) so talk about a living hell. We were together 25 years. I loved him and did not want this divorce. I planned to spend my life with him and when that all comes crashing down, I don't think there is a specific time frame that you should be allowed to grieve. I still have many many crying sessions, have wished I was not alive, have wished my ex was dead and so so many other sad emotions. Everybody's divorce is different. Some want and look forward to their divorce. Others (like me) are devastated by the changes. I am 56 years old and facing being alone is not something I look forward to at all. If you need to cry then you need to cry. No one can feel the pain you are feeling but you although so many people on this website are going through similar circumstances and are hurting as much as any of us. That is the great place out here. You get to let it out and everyone here truly understands and feels deep compassion for the place you are right now.
Hang in there. Things will get better for both of us.

by Linny 152 Posts
Posted on 3/24/2008 3:28 PM

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I am so sorry you are having a bad time. You were married 26 years, the grief is not going to go away in just 2 months. You are in conseling and this is good. As long as you are making some progress (even very tiny steps) you are going in the right direction. Time does heal.

Taking one day at a time helps also. Do something nice for yourself today, put a smile on your face and in your heart.

Good luck. my thoughts are with you.

by starr1 187 Posts
Posted on 3/23/2008 2:51 PM

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WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OVER IT?

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