Marriage Counseling 

Wow, there seem to be a lot of strong opinions out there about marriage counseling! It works, it doesn't work, when to go, when not to go. I tend to think it is a good idea if the marriage has hit a rough patch and both people want to stay together, and probably not so useful if one person has already decided they're done or if one person is being chronically dishonest in the marriage.

Reading other people's opinions on counseling made me think of my own marriage counseling experience. Before I knew that my husband was cheating, his behavior became very erratic. One Friday night, he woke me up around 10:30 to tell me that he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving. Just like that. No warning, no build up. Not only was he leaving, but he was leaving that minute! I was in shock. He took off his wedding band, put it on the dresser and walked out.

Monday, he came back and told me he had fallen back in love with me while he was gone and that I had to take him back. And then he told me some story about where he had been all weekend. I, of course, suggested counseling. Since we were affiliated with a university, we went to the university counseling services where we saw a very nice man. On our second visit, my husband asked me to leave the room so he could talk to the counselor privately, which I did, although it made me very anxious. I actually thought he might be telling the counselor that he was gay. Given the choice between my husband being gay and my husband cheating on me with another woman, which is what in my heart of hears I suspected, I would have chosen gay.

Anyway, when I came back in, the counselor told him to go ahead and tell me what he wanted to say. It was that he wanted an "open" marriage. HUH? Basically, it was explained, that he wanted a marriage that could include other partners. Now I'm not knocking that for everyone, it might work for some, but it sure wasn't going to work for me. No mention that he had already identified and started with those additional partners at this point. Anyway, on our third visit, the counselor asked my husband to leave the room, turn about's fair play, afterall.

And then the strangest thing happened. After my husband left the counselor asked if he could be honest with me. I, of course, said yes. And then he basically said, it seems to me that you're married to an asshole (he did actually use the word asshole) and you really need to ask yourself if you want to be married to an asshole.

So I would say that as far as my marriage goes, counseling did help. Not in keeping our marriage together, but in helping me cope with it ending a few weeks later. When  I would feel lonely or sad or like a failure, I would think of that counselor being so moved by what an asshole my husband was, that he had to break out of therapist mode and tell me. Probably not the best thing for a therapist to do, but it was the best thing for me. And, in deed, my money was better spent on my own therapy that helped me figure out what had led me to my marriage and how to avoid making similar mistakes in the future.