Gut Wrenching Pain 

I am sure that some of you have experienced a feeling like I am having right now. Have you ever gone on a rollercoaster ~ one you were particularly intimidated by? You look up and see the great steel structure towering over you... and suddenly the cars whiz by so quickly that it looks like a blurr?  Then, it's finally... FINALLY.. your turn in line. You quickly sink down in the seat, and the headbar comes over and clicks into place. You feel your heart beating so fast that you're afraid you're going to have a heart attack before you even take off.

Then you are jetted up a steep incline, and right before you plumment to the bottom, as you crest the top of the hill, there is a pause:::::

A second where you actually catch your breath. Time stands still if only for a moment. Your body is once again righted with gravity, until you feel the bottom start to drop out from beneath your feet.  You feel your body zip downward into a near vertical drop, and your stomach feels like it's resting queasily inside your feet.

That pretty much how my loss feels right now.  I miss my husband so much that tears spontaneously errupt from my eyes.  Dread, panic, sweaty palms, heart palpitations... are my daily companions.  Everyone telling me it will get better seems to fall on deaf ears... I hear the words coming out of a mouth but nothing registers. How can they sit there and sympathize with my pain?

I look into my little girls eyes, the wee thing is only 20 months. I wonder if her father ever stopped to consider how much him being gone will affect her life, her livelihood, her outcome as a grown up adult.  Being fatherless myself, I went through my life feeling like a puzzle piece was missing from me. I still do, and feel universally rejected. 

Why are people so selfish? When did someone's genitalia become more important than raising a little child? Who taught my husband to be so selfish, so self centered?  Or is being that way just a sign that he's lost his grip more than I ever have?

Thank you for reading my reflections.