It's been a busy, emotional year... 

Well...where do I begin....how about this...I found out about my stbx's affair in March...kicked him out until we could figure a few things out...he made promises to stop, to go to counseling, to work on us and heal so that we could be stronger, to keep our family together.  Counseling began together and I thought we were on the right track...In June, I took a vacation with our son to visit family, and got a phone call around July 5 from the other woman....which is when I found out that my stbx was still seeing her, sleeping with her, etc...and that he was leaving our counseling sessions and sharing the information with his girlfriend because he thought the sessions were awful...OH...and his girlfriend might be pregnant....(she wasn't).  Still believing that our marriage could be saved (I took my vows seriously and would hang in there as long as I could) if he would do X, Y, and Z...which he agreed to do...whatever he had to do, he would do it!!! (his words)...well...I found out on November 4 that his "whatever he had to do" lasted 3 weeks....when she contacted him again claiming to have a problem at work that might get her fired....SUCKER!!!!!  Well...the affair began again and so did the lies....Whew....so that leaves me where I am today....making plans to move out of the apartment we are living in while our dream house was being built...I backed out of the dream home because I could not put a home...a material thing above the health of my family...above the values and morals that I hold tight as essential to a happy marriage.  My stbx told me that he knew we were over when I backed out of the home...REALLY??? How about when you were dating and sleeping with other women????  Did that happen to give you a clue???? whew....

The problem I am having is when I talk to him and see him....I revert back to the "helpless" (which I am not by the way) female who wants to keep her husband and family....If I stay away from him...if I don't email, text, phone him or get emails, texts, or phone calls from him, I am alright...my mind clears and I know that I will be alright...I am strong enough to do this and do not need a liar, cheater, no moral toad in my life to make me happy....whew...deep breaths help when I think about everything he has put me through the last year of our marriage....the blame that he places on me...Oh he doesn't blame me directly for his affair...he blames me for the problems in our marriage and he blames the problems in our marriage for his affair...connect the dots and it becomes me the reason he had his affair(s)....whew....

how long does this see-saw continue?   I feel strong and independent one day, but weak and dependent the next....? whew....

Right now, I am keeing the phone lines busy calling family and friends who will continue to remind me of the things that he has done...the lies that he has told...the reasons why moving on and away are best....he is not going to change...he likes and desires "to date other women" (his words to me)...whew....

Ok...my son is calling...and I need to get one batch of fudge done before it gets too late.