you keep breaking it and i'll keep fixing it.  

just had another annoying email exchange with loser ex. 

today my kids are performing in the school holiday show.  he said he was coming and that he would like to take them out after the show.  he said he would do dinner etc and bring them home later.   

fine. good.  

so logistics are worked out. i'll return to work after the show and work extra hours to make up for the time and my parents will not pick the kids up after school and get a much needed break. 

i even start romanticising (because this is considered exciting for single parents), how i won't have to make dinner tonight.  one night out of thousands, i won't have to scurry around making dinner before i do all the other stuff...  

you know the nightly routine....make dinner before bath, books, homework, play, bedtime, cleaning, preparing 2 lunches for the next day and 2 bags of snacks and checking all the hundreds of pieces of paper that get sent home from school..and writing the endless checks for tuition, and gymnastics and book fairs and fundraisers....  

so, he emails me just now and says that he can't take them to dinner after all.  he emails now. at noon.  giving me exactly two hours to make alternative plans with work and my parents.   

and this is how it always is.  we all jump at his commands. why? because we want him to see his kids and have a relationship with him and we don't want to make it hard for him to do that. 

but for four years this exact scene has played out over and over and over again and i am totally exhausted by it.  

he will never be a real father. and i seem to be unable to learn.  i've been told, countless times, to give up and stop expecting he will change. i've been told to stop making it so easy on him.  but do i listen?  yes. i do.  i do listen and it sounds good because it is good. but i don't do it.  i hear it, get it, agree with it...but then fail to make it a reality.   

here's a part of our email exchange:  

me: (after he announced he can't take them to dinner)  "i made arrangements with my parents for this.  they are not picking up the kids after school.  i was going to work late to make up for the time i'll be out for the show.  you do this all the time.  at the very last minute you suddenly have to change the plans.  this is a constant and it's annoying that you don't even consider how many people have to jump thru hoops for you. if you can't take them to dinner, then it's a problem. my parents will need to pick them up after school now and take them home."  

him: "You didn't tell me you were planning to work late -- a failure to communicate on your part. And your solution is to call in your parents to pick the kids up from school, stripping them of time with their father and saddling your parents with more work..."  

(insert me going grrrrrrrrrrr here).  

the last email ended with me saying this: "never mind.  just keep doing what you do and i'll keep fixing it."

so, what to do, what to do?   it's easy to say 'well, forget it...you snooze, you lose...kids are going home with my parents...see ya".   but single parents will understand when i say.....we (me/my parents) could use one lousy night for a break.   right? wrong?  

so basically, all these years i have allowed this sort of manipulation for two reasons: 1. because i really do want my kids to have some sort of relationship with him and 2. i need whatever small breaks i can get my hands on.  

am i not buckling down and fighting him because of the first reason...or the second?   if i'm going to be honest, it's the second.  

i want a break.  

i need a break.  

i deserve a break.  

so. here's how this can play out today. i can fight back and he will not see the kids at all.  my parents will resume pick up duty. i will not work late (and deal with my boss giving me mean eyes) and life will be just a regular day.  or i can relent and have my parents meet him at my house whenever he feels like dropping them off and be his little pawns yet again.  

what to do........?